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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I get a divorce?

12 replies

Mummyduckplusduckling · 21/07/2018 15:37

I've come to the end of my tether. Daughter is 5, with husband for 13 years, he's never really stepped up. He earns an ok wage but has never pushed himself career wise and I earn more, evenafteer a partial reduction in my hours to accommodate daughter starting primary school. His middle class aspirations mean I do need to work, as he never has any money, even with me paying half of all bills and all of holidays, big purchases etc. We only ever had one child as he never helped, even when I went back to work full time. I should add husband works for an investment bank, so plenty of opportunity for people willing to push themselves. He's basically happy to coast, and I'm the one who has to set firm boundaries and push back at work as I'm having to do the vast majority of the childcare. He will literally collect DD from school maybe once every two weeks, and lately he's coming home at gone 10 pm. I'm exhausted, demoralised, frustrated and I just want out. I feel no love anymore and doing all this on my own would be easier as I can't stand him anywhere near me. Can anyone see this getting better or do I cut my losses now? I have no respect for him anymore, but DD would miss him and he adores her. Oh, and he might kill himself, he threatens it every time I tell him I want out.

OP posts:

myotherbagisgucci · 21/07/2018 15:42

What's he doing until 10pm?

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 21/07/2018 15:49

"DD would miss him and he adores her"

No he doesn't adore her or he'd do an equal share of the the childcare. I don't see how DD would miss him when it sounds like he's hardly around anyway...10pm you say?

Cut your losses and move on, he won't change and it's highly unlikely he'll kill himself either - these men know how use threats to control women. He'll be trotting out the old chestnut "I'll go for full custody" next...

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 21/07/2018 15:49

"DD would miss him and he adores her"

No he doesn't adore her or he'd do an equal share of the the childcare. I don't see how DD would miss him when it sounds like he's hardly around anyway...home at 10pm you say?

Original poster

Mummyduckplusduckling · 21/07/2018 15:52

Takes about 1.5 hours to get home with commute, and he says things are just crazy at work, and I believe him, but point from me is that if you put those hours in you need to fight for better pay or promotion. He is Mr Undynamic, wouldn't dream of putting his family before work as he's too scared to.

OP posts:

juneau · 21/07/2018 15:58

In your shoes OP yes, I would get a divorce. Don't be blackmailed by his suicide threats. If he says he'll kill himself if you do, then ask him if you need to call an ambulance. Tell his parents/sibling(s)/best mate(s) if you are worried, but don't let it prevent you from leaving, if that's what you want to do.

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership of equals - not one person carrying the other or being blackmailed into staying out of fear. Making threats is a form of abuse. Do what is right for you and your DD and if that's leaving or ending your marriage then do that.

Original poster

Mummyduckplusduckling · 21/07/2018 20:17

Well, had the conversation, told him I literally have nothing left in me and I just want it to be finished. He reacted by saying it was all my fault and then stormed out in a huff, leaving DD completely disconsolate and shouting for him to come back. What a man!

OP posts:

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 21/07/2018 21:09

You don't need his permission to leave - if you wait for him to "agree" you'll be waiting forever. Get the ball rolling to get him out of your lives.

Original poster

Mummyduckplusduckling · 21/07/2018 21:40

Yes, you're right, he just disappeared for hours, turned up, asked for a hug and the minute I didn't want to andI wasn't going along with, it and that this needs to be resolved (I want his cooperation as I am afraid he would kill himself, I suggested we get counselling), I'm a bitch who can't just be nice, and off he stomps upstairs...

OP posts:

juneau · 22/07/2018 08:50

He's behaving in a very immature and bullying manner. Refusing to discuss things, storming off, leaving his DC bawling her eyes out with thought as to how his behaviour is impacting her all strongly suggests that a) you'd be doing the right thing by ending this abusive relationship and b) he's not going to co-operate in the way you would like. So get legal advice and get the ball rolling. If you wait for him to do 'his bit' you'll be stuck in this impasse forever. He doesn't have the maturity to deal with this like an adult, so I'd do what you need to do and expect nothing from him - that way you won't be disappointed.

juneau · 22/07/2018 08:52

Oh - and when you have these discussions in future I would advise you not to do them in front of your DD. This is going to be hard enough on her as it is, without her being party to conversations she won't understand and which will just upset her. Wait until she's in bed.

NotTheFordType · 22/07/2018 10:00

Strongly agree about not discussing in front of DD, although I'm guessing you started the discussion in private and she then wandered in.

OK so along with the threats to kill himself, be prepared for these empty threats/promises:

I can change and you owe it to me to show you (Erm, no - you've already given him 5 years to change and he's adequately proved he doesn't want to)
You're depriving our child of their right to a happy stable family (Erm, no - due to his behaviour she's never had a happy stable family. Leaving will at least give her one happy parent)
I'll tell social services that you're an unfit mother because you have had depression/occasionally like to have a glass of wine or a joint/are a shrieking harpy (LOL)
I'll go for 50/50 custody (LOL)
I'll tell all our friends you're an evil bitch (so?)
OMG please, please, watch me crying actual tears (at the thought of having to do my own housework and life admin again) waily waily waily (Awww, tough shit little man.)

Let it slide right off you, just smile and nod calmly and don't engage.

Also be prepared for him to be dating someone new before he's moved out.

Original poster

Mummyduckplusduckling · 22/07/2018 10:32

Hi, yes, just to clarify, when I spoke to him at 5.30, DD was playing happily in the garden, and I'm not the shouty type, it was a quiet conversation, me explaining I really can't keep going like this and we need to resolve it. Him loudly and animatedly storming off was what upset her, but lesson learnt that I can't have calm rationale conversations and I should have known that by now. I've told him upon his return last night, and yes when DD was asleep, exactly how I feel about him, that he literally makes my skin crawl. And yes, not surprisingly he did cry, real actual crocodile tears. I'm done and the end is in sight, I think this morning the penny has finally dropped for him. Not worried about custody, he can't evidence he is able to put in the parenting hours, I earn more and work less hours, and he can say what the f@ck he likes about me and to whom!

OP posts:

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