moving abroad and I find out about our financial crisis

[anon2313u]

Our situation is very difficult, both myself and my partner have resigned from our jobs to move abroad (other side of the world) to start a new chapter with our three young children.

My partner is already there with the children and I am due to fly out in the next week. I checked the post to discover that there was a final reminder for payment of a loan!? I was left utterly confused because I had no knowledge of the loan that my other half had taken out, considering the vast sum of the loan I was left shocked and confused. Interestingly, I only discovered the letter because she had sent someone to take it out of the letterbox but I got home first.

When discussed why she had taken the loan out her initial response was that it was her problem and that she would sort it out. Considering that my partner hasn't been working for nearly 8 months she is financially depended on me. Furthermore, we don't have jobs to go to as we would be knowingly and planned to live off my income/savings for the first few months.

Eventually she explained that the money had been spent on household bills etc, the money was spent on the family she insisted. For this we are both to blame, we never had shyed away from purchases but I never expected the loan was covering all the costs. In fact when I asked my other half about finances she would say that it was from savings or overdraft that she had.

I take the blame for that, so i asked to she her bank account so I could see how we had spent it all. She refused to do so, saying that when I arrived she would go through it all. I can't get on a plane knowing that is going to be the first conversation we have to go through, difficult, awkward and if we argue and need time apart - it isn't possible!

I asked several times why she would be not be willing to open up her bank account and she said no. Weirdly she made references about maybe never being able to get past the trust she has broken. This made me very suspicious, so I asked her whether she had/was having an affair.

Her response was No and that if I didn't trust her loyalty that the relationship was over. I tried to justify my question but she is adamant that our marriage is over because of how I have hurt her. I tried to explain why I asked but she refuses to acknowledge that her actions have made me suspicious.

I don't know what to do! Financially we have invested to move abroad, coming back will mean going into much lower paid jobs compared to those we've resigned from. The quality of life for our children will be better abroad than what it is going to be here. I cannot stand the thought of the consequences of moving back to the UK and detrimental impact on our children, nor do I think I could ever forgive her for having to see the children go through it. Equally not being open and honest for me to see the books is hard to get over. Not to mention how she says she is hurt my accusation, i maybe wrong but I asked because she wouldn't open up about where that money was spent.

Do I get on that plane or ask them to come back?

I think you should get on the plane and find out what is going on before making any decisions.

Well I think you do need to go out and have a face-to-face discussion.

If the marriage is over, as she suggests, then she was beyond selfish to move the whole family abroad.

Just hang fire until you have spoken. She may have taken the loan out in the knowledge that she would never have to pay it back, with you emigrating, and spent it on legitimate expenses or on things for herself, and just got defensive and embarrassed when challenged.

Is the loan in joint names or just DW's?

Is your DP willing to come back? You're assuming they are but when reading your OP I'm assuming they're not.

It sounds to me like they were hoping to leave the debt here, which indicates they don't plan to come back.

She was hoping to leave the loan here. That’s my guess and agree with other posters who mentioned it. We are from NZ and it’s a standard thing to never repay your student loan. It’s not the same thing, but basically they can’t and don’t have the power to chase you half way across the world.

I'd be guessing gambling problem or similar rather than affair.
Or blackmail she is paying off.

Just be aware that if halfway round the world is Australia or NZ, then any debts taken out in one name, if you are married, are effectively owed by both people. Unlike UK, where it seems to be that if the debt is in your name, it's yours.

So run regular credit checks in both countries. It might be worth running a full credit check on both of you here before you go.

I would also need answers and to know where or what the money was spent on. If she won't tell you, it doesn't bode well, and I would start your new life with a new normal of separated. Get 2 smaller apartments or flats instead of one house.

Australia has only no fault divorce.

Thank you all ^

The loan is only in her name, I've managed to do a credit report and found out that it isn't the first one during our marriage. The other one was paid back fully and again I never knew about it.

She asked whether I wanted them to come back, I said I don't know. I can't see how we would sustain ourselves out there (not just financially but more importantly trust). Nor does the prospect of staying back in the UK with no jobs/schools/cars/house hold items fill me with any confidence either. Luckily we have put our house on rent so it would involve giving the tenants a months notice -a lovely family just moved from Italy with four young children :(

I can't see a way of moving forward without our children suffering in some shape or form.

Was it her idea to move away? Do you wonder know if the real reason to move is to avoid that debt? If so, it's the level of lying and manipulation that would make me want to end the relationship.

Autofilled'
She was hoping to leave the loan here. That’s my guess and agree with other posters who mentioned it. We are from NZ and it’s a standard thing to never repay your student loan. It’s not the same thing, but basically they can’t and don’t have the power to chase you half way across the world.'

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, if you have a student loan from NZ sort it. They are pursuing people and they do have the power to arrest you if you go home. We left NZ with a student debt, at that time we didn't have to pay as our income was too low. We missed the amnesty as they didn't email, post or phone. DH went back for his mother's funeral and was caught at customs. Within an hour of arriving in the country he got a phone call asking him how he planned to pay and if he wasn't going to, he was going to be detained. His debt went from $2000 to $13 000. They were fucking shits about organising a repayment plan. Seriously they are planning reciprocal agreements with other countries and forget going home, you'll be pinged at the airport.

It was a joint decision mainly instigated by my parents and her. I was the last one to agree to the move.

My parents agreed to remortgage their house in order to give us a deposit on a house there so that we could all be a family together.

The loan was taken out a year and a half ago and as part of the application process we had to declare anything we owed. I trusted my other half to do the paper work so I don't know whether she had declared it to the immigration department.

I'm confused about why you are moving out of the country to (presumably) the Antipodes but you don't have jobs lined up. Do you not need an agreed employment (or a record of self employment in a "wanted" skill) before you can get a visa?

I only discovered the letter because she had sent someone to take it out of the letterbox but I got home first.

That's some high level deceit right there. I would want full transparency on bank accounts and spending right now and going forward. I had a similar issue in a relationship and the only way I was prepared to stay was if he basically turned over all money management to me, which he agreed to as in his own words he was "shit with money". I had full control over both his and my bank accounts, I opened ALL letters so I could manage debts fully, and I basically gave him a cash allowance every week.

If your wife isn't prepared to do that, then I think you need to exit the marriage. As tricky and complicated as that might be.

I'm not too sure what her loan has to do with you? Why is it any of your business? I'm not an advocate of having to know everything about a partner/husband/wife.

I am glad that these three young children have been mentioned, they need to be your priority. Well done you for doing the leg work on finding out she took out a loan before perhaps that was what she was hiding from you and was scared of telling you about. You mentioned you both don't shy away from spending, do you not have a joint account?

Whats your relationship been like before you found the letter?

I have lied to my partner in the past, we have had some amazing times and then we have also been in some very dark places. We have been together for 15 years and we have for the past 4 years been on a very rocky road. I have done something similar but for me it was a build up years worth of stuff, our communication was very poor and as much as I love my other half he left everything to me. I haven't had the best childhood and money was always a BIG issue in our household, my reason for not disclosing it all to my other half was I felt like I could manage it without burdening him with anything. He also had a childhood where money was very tight. Once we both started working we did spend money on holidays and things we enjoyed.

Looking back now I know what I have done was not right and the trust has taken time to rebuild but we are getting there. We now have joint accounts our wages go into one account and we then also have a direct debit set up and a small amount goes into each of our personal accounts but its all black and white now! Me and my hubby are in such a better place now not only financially but better communication about everything because it starts with the little things and are happier then we have been for a long time.

I know your hurting too but so it she, the feeling of hiding something from your loved one is not a nice feeling at all trust me I know, but i guess when I weighed up the alternatives I thought I was doing the right thing, never thought about ever getting caught. Hiding it from my husband also took me to very dark places too, I had debt of nearly 35k. Sometimes I felt like ending it all but the thought of my child being motherless did not bear to think about. I know your the one thats been deceived but trust me when I say hiding things from the other half eats up side of you.

I can understand from her point of view about you asking/accusing her of having an affair, if her reasons like mine where to keep our family functioning after being scared financially as a child/young adult being asked if your having an affair would hurt to the core, I am not taking away what she has done at all and can see how all this makes you feel and rightly so.

You need to ask yourself these questions before you board that plane,

1. If you are able to sort this out will you be able to trust her and can you rebuild trust from both sides?
2. is your marriage and kids worth fighting for?
3. has she ever broken your trust before, you must know her well enough to know she must have some valid reason for why she has done what she has.

4.You say your starting a new life abroad, if you board that plane you need to put this aside for a day or two, don't let it be the thing that you remember as your first conversation PLEASE.

Only board that plane knowing your going to give your marriage a chance, otherwise get them to come back. Low paid jobs. house, house items and kids arrangements can be made easier in a country you are familiar to rather then the other side of the world.

I do hope you both can salvage your marriage and learn from this.

We both are in a industry in desperate need of people. Getting a job wont be hard so we decided that the kids come first and giving us time as a family to adjust was most important.

I asked her who she had sent to collect the letter and she refused to tell me, which further reduces my trust. Who could she have trusted to deceive me?

^Jonbb:
I'm not too sure what her loan has to do with you? Why is it any of your business? I'm not an advocate of having to know everything about a partner/husband/wife.^

Because she knows everything about mine, we always talk about being a unit rather than a family with two individuals. If she is ill that has an impact on the kids, if she is unemployed that has an impact on the kids, if she is having an affair that has an impact on the kids and if she is financially over committed that will have an impact on our kids. Our children have only one chance of a childhood, so her loan concerns me because of the people it impacts.

How did you think she was funding herself if she wasn't working? How do family finances usually work?

How much is the loan?

Don't believe your debt won't follow you. Whilst they can't chase you for a uk debt in Australia for example, they can, and do, sell uk debts to Aussie companies and they will hound you for repayment.

It is a common misconception you can move to the other side of the world and be debt free.

Of course, you may mot be talking UK/AU but the same principle could apply anywhere.

Is the house in joint names?

Are the repayment amounts of the loan do-able? Get DW to contact them and sort out repayment so that they don't go after the house.

You and your wife appear to own a property. If the creditor applies to court for a CCJ and it isn't paid, they can and will attach a charging order to the property, but they cannot take your share, only the share belonging to your wife. I see what you mean about the other persons finances impacting on you and the rest of the family. I guess I didn't think of it in negative terms.

@lifeisonebigjourney
Thank you for your post, so much of what you have said makes a lot of sense. We both grew up in a very similar circumstances ourselves. I will broad that plane and I've messaged her and question 4 is going to be done! TY!!

We don't have a joint account, separate and our UK house is in her name, which is one of the reasons why I feel the family is more exposed in this situation.