Don't want to go on holiday.....weird?

[nicesandwich]

DP and I have been together for about 4 years (friends for much longer since school age). We don't live together as we were LD for a long time and now are living back with parents so that we can save for a mortgage. That bit is relevant.

DP wants to go on holiday next year. I originally said no, because I can't afford that. He said don't worry he will pay for it all. I'm not sure if I'm being reasonable in my feelings about it. And I also feel like I am maybe making excuses in my head and can't figure out the true reason I don't want to go on holiday.

Reasons:

1. I think it's a waste of money. We should save everything we can for house. It's making me concerned that he isn't good with money.
2. I feel guilty accepting such a big "gift"
3. The idea generally makes me feel anxious. I have only been on holiday once as an adult and am generally anxious about new things and change, etc.

But I also know, in response to the above that

1. It's his money, he is saving WAY more than me (I have a shit job and I pay a lot more rent than him) so in a way has "spare" savings. Maybe I am projecting my tightness and rigid way of thinking onto him.
2. It's as much a gift for him as it is me, it's his idea
3. He has offered to arrange it all but that makes me more anxious, but I can also see myself freaking out attempting to have input too as I hate making decisions. He can't win.

The main thing I'd like some perspective on, is...should I really be worried about his ability to manage finances, etc. just because he wants to go on a holiday whilst we are supposed to be saving (granted I am saving at about 1/5th of the rate of him). Or am I being uptight and unreasonable in expecting him to forego things he wants to do? Please be kind

Life's too short not to go on holiday IMO. You may be saving up but you need some pleasure too. You are over thinking. But I would still want input into the holiday.

How much is he anticipating spending? How much are you jointly saving? What sort of lives are you leading right now?

I think your thinking is too rigid tbh. You’re living with parents, presumably child free. Enjoy life and have fun before you’re saddled with a mortgage and other responsibilities.

My dh and I have been together 10 years. We have two kids. Mid 30s. We rent and have been saving for a mortgage for about 3 years (or ideally a house mortgage free, hence why it’s taken us so long). We still go on holiday! I don’t mean 2 weeks in the Maldives, but normal holidays in the UK and we’ve been to Spain and Portugal the past few years. A house is nice, but what’s the point of you can’t do fun things too. It might mean an extra month or two of savings, but time together is precious and you don’t get that back once you have kids or more stressful careers, etc.

BTW could you not try for a better job? Why have you settled for a shit one?

If you earned more money you would get to your goal quicker. Also why are you worried about his ability to manage finances? He is saving way more than you. You need to address why you are contributing so little.

Oh I see now. If going on holiday makes you anxious then so would managing your career. You sound controlling based on your own insecurities and fears. He is doing nothing wrong.

Thanks for your replies. Feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief. I have been really second guessing if how I feel is "right" or not and I knew there was a decent chance it wasn't as I know myself.

I have a shit job because I've been unable to find anything better. I have been applying on and off for a few years for other things. I just finished a postgraduate course so am hoping I can find something better now.

I am not saving much, because after bills and fuel and food, etc. I don't have any left really so my savings are coming from scrimping on those things. I.e. my life is very frugal/sometimes hungry (through choice); but I can pay for my gym membership and a cheap phone contract, etc. it's not mad. DP lives more comfortably and saves about 10 x as much. Hopefully that will change as I've now finished my course so am taking as much overtime as possible (only contracted 30hrs a week) and will be looking for a better paid job and/or 2nd paid job.

I don't think it would be an expensive holiday. Well, it wouldn't be, probably just in the UK (although doesn't make it much cheaper than abroad).

Thanks everyone. Looks like we might go on holiday!

I am aware that it might have been controlling to reject the notion of a holiday, which is why I posted here to gain some perspective. I haven't rejected it outright to him since our initial chat about how we'd afford it :)

I just got to work and have found out Ive received a (relatively) large annual bonus for the first time in ten years!! Absolute coincidence.

Holidays are (usually) fun and don't have to cost much money as you don't need to go in the school holidays.
There's more to life than saving for a mortgage.
Feel the fear and do it anyway. I'm sorry if that sounds cliched.

as people have said enjoy life while you are young, my Oh earns 4 times what i earn and i have been very skint in the past (think 315 a week to feed myself after bills paid) and when we first got together i found it very hard to reconcile that he can spend whatever he wants on himself, hes not stingy though, he pays for lots of things probably the bigger portion of entertainment budget, over the last 3 years that we have lived together i have got used to it and now think, its his money he earned it why shouldnt he treat himself, still got the poverty thinking myself as in shop on everything £5 and still love a bargain, but am a lot more chilled than i was, because i know if it all fell apart i could survive on next to nothing again

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thats £15 not 315

I think you’re being unreasonable

It’s all good and well saving for a house but during that time of saving you need to keep your relationship alive as well! One holiday a year isn’t gunna put you back that much.

I wouldn't say he is bad at managing money, maybe just has a different approach to you, and that is probably down to your differing financial situations.
Of course saving for the house is important long term, but I think having a break and quality time together is also important. It's worth investing a little bit of the money on time spent together on holiday, even if it then takes a little longer to get the house.

I also think a holiday together is a great practise if you've never really lived together! Once you do live together you will also have to work on making decisions together and how you feel about not always being in control (and I know how stressful that can be!) so try to use this opportunity to work on this and get a holiday out of it!
If you don't feel comfortable him paying, why not make a small contribution? Or maybe pay for an excursion or special meal during your trip.
I hope you do go and have a lovely time! x

I would take him up on the offer, and try to approach it as an opportunity to work on your anxiety about change/unfamiliar surroundings, in a low stress way.

Having a break can make you more rested and productive at work - which could help you look for a new/better paid job.

Does your anxiety centre around "I don't know what to do/where to go and I'm secretly worried people will think I'm a total idiot if I ask for help"? I used to suffer with this and I found it made me a total control freak. I avoided things I wanted to do (join the gym, eat at certain restaurants, use the work canteen, travel by public transport) because I was too afraid to say "Hi! I haven't been here before, how does it all work?"

Youre pretty much bang on.

Im actually okay about not having control. I hate making decisions so would rather not. I will do what other people want (not just with DP but generally) as long as Im not actively against it.

The anxiety about holidays is about having to change my routine (for example eating different things, being in a different place, waking and sleeping differently). I can do these things but find it challenging and not enjoyable. But I can. People are also a major factor as I dont like loud or bus places. But DP knows that and we wouldnt go somewhere where this was a big problem, but I might get paranoid about it being a problem IYSWIM. I will also be unable to do my hobby (which is a big part of my life) if we go away which makes me worried but we can find a way around that or find a similar activity to do together away.

Hand on heart, I will tell you that overcoming your anxiety in this area will improve your quality of life so much. And for me, the only way to overcome it was to expose myself to little bit of fear, gradually. Like, day one: Walk into a coffee shop, Walk out again. Day two: walk into a coffee shop, get into the queue, walk away.

Recognising the source of your fear can help massively. In my case it was caused by a particularly sadistic teacher, with whom I also trauma bonded. When it's bad I sometimes speak out loud to myself, "Nobody here is laughing at you. Miss P is not here and neither is your dad."