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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he trying to hide things?

18 replies

KarmaCurse · 21/07/2018 11:48

A few weeks ago my friend received a message from a Facebook user claiming her boyfriend was married, he immediately checked his "ex's" Facebook too to see if she had a similar message. To me this is very weird not only the message but the fact he still had access to an apparent ex's Facebook. The ex BTW is his separated wife who is pregnant with his child. My friend said that she would message the ex to check that she hadn't received anything similar as the messages were horrible (note this was out of kindness and compassion as she has 0 malice in her heart). He panicked and talked her out of it. Fast forward a few weeks and he's still deciding if he wants to go back to the ex or stay with her (she's now in an emotional state but wanting answers more than anything). She told him that if they split she would give assurances to the ex that from her perspective she would never have to worry about her returning on the scene even as a friend. This is because he told her the ex has had trust issues. He then said the next day someone had messaged his ex and told her all about her so it was pointless sending a message if they broke up.

From my previous posts you know I think he is playing my friend and I'm really starting to worry about it for her. She knows something is wrong but is hiding her head I think due to how amazing she thinks he is. Just in case the man in question is reading this, we all think he is lovely with her but there is something strange. He claims to have his children 4/5 nights a week as their mother doesn't mind.

I'm starting to really think yes he has feelings for her but is torn between going back to a marriage he's already left 4 times for the sake of the kids and being happy with her. I think everyone has already told him 100 times that children need to be loved to be happy and it doesn't matter if that is in 2 homes.

But getting back to it - is this a red flag regarding facebook? To me it seems a bit abusive having control over what an ex sees on their facebook.

OP posts:
Gin96 · 21/07/2018 11:59

I bet the ex is not an ex at all and he’s been playing both of them, he won’T change, she should cut her losses and run for the hills

KarmaCurse · 21/07/2018 12:18

@Gin96 I'm with you but she's just so into him! He's so genuine with her and family, friends and work colleagues (they work at partnership agencies). That's where she's struggling as if he were still with his ex everyone knows about his relationship with my friend and it's not hidden in Facebook either.

I've had an argument with her about it but she's still maintaining that if they do split she'll email the ex, which if I'm honest I think it's brilliant as if it's all lies he will be caught out and if not she's giving the ow confirmation that it's over.

How can people do that though? I just don't get it if you're unhappy in a marriage leave and give the other person the chance to find happiness and love with someone who will treat them right!

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Feckers2018 · 21/07/2018 12:28

Sounds like he's still with his wife. He's a cake eater and your friend should not be waiting around for him.
The email was a brilliant way of finding out the truth. Many men lead secret lives. I wouldn't bother being outraged just tell your friend to get away from him.

Feckers2018 · 21/07/2018 12:29

Lots of men have open affairs at work.

SomeKnobend · 21/07/2018 12:37

Why don't you just message the wife? If it's all true, no harm done and the boyfriend can't even be annoyed with your friend. If he's full of shit, it puts an end to his cuntery (this time).

KarmaCurse · 21/07/2018 12:41

@Feckers2018 really? I wouldn't have thought he would have been as stupid though as his "ex" has links in too.

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KarmaCurse · 21/07/2018 12:43

@SomeKnobend I want too but I'm already in the shit with my friend for pointing out stuff and the last thing I want to do is for him to manipulate her away from everybody if it's true. I think her messaging would be the better option if they split but the message is clearly letting her know that he is married. He said it's because people don't see "separated" as divorced and that's why it was sent to her Hmm

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SomeKnobend · 21/07/2018 12:47

Honestly, just fucking send it and end the shit show. She'll be sad, but she'll get over it and it'll prevent her wasting her time or getting pregnant to this arsehole.

KarmaCurse · 21/07/2018 12:48

@SomeKnobend plus it will let the "ex" know if it all has been lies. What will I write? Help with this would be appreciated and I don't want to cause undue harm to my friend or the pregnant ex

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SomeKnobend · 21/07/2018 13:03

The poor "ex" needs to know. Your friend will not be the first and that woman needs an STD check pronto.

Don't overthink it - it's his actions which will be devastating no matter how you word it. Just outline what's going on. "Hi, I hope you mind me contacting you, but my friend has been going out with your ex, [his name] since [date]. She has just received an anonymous message saying that he's still married. Obviously he's explained that he is still married but separated, but I just wanted to be able to help put her mind at rest. Would you mind just replying to confirm you are of course separated and not getting back together. Thanks so much."

KarmaCurse · 21/07/2018 13:06

@SomeKnobend sent! Let's see will update Confused

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SomeKnobend · 21/07/2018 13:07

Hand holding xx

KarmaCurse · 21/07/2018 13:17

@SomeKnobend so the email reply is around the lines of he's not separated, she's disgusted at my friend (???), can't believe he would do that to her and he will pay BUT he's done affairs before so thank you for telling me. Funny that the reply from her Facebook says they're separated and she's aware of his new girlfriend. Wonder who wrote that one? Shock

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SomeKnobend · 21/07/2018 13:20

Bloody hell, are they both surgically attached to their phones?! 100% situation as predicted though, mystery solved. At least your friend can move on.

meowimacat · 21/07/2018 13:22

Does the friend know you contacted her? Have you told your friend the truth? Awful, but at least she knows now.

KarmaCurse · 21/07/2018 13:24

@meowimacat nope now I'll have to tell her he's tried to call me so I think he knows now. Going to call him back to see what he says

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KarmaCurse · 21/07/2018 13:27

@SomeKnobend must be. The fb reply came through in a couple of minutes but the email took longer

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meowimacat · 21/07/2018 13:58

Just careful because I can see her dropping you for meddling and believe whatever he says even with all this proof.

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