My partners ex.

[user1469485133]

Hello, I'm in a same sex relationship, Im 43, my partner and I have bought a house together and we live with my partners 7yr old (I'll call her D) half the week. The other half of the week, she lives with her father. This seems to work really well for D.
My partners ex is a man, they were together for 14 years.
I am finding (and have always found) my partners ex, quite challenging. He is sarcastic, negative and generally not very forthcoming. In the past he has been verbally condescending, negative and as my partner puts it, has beaten her down (verbally) a bit like a tent peg, over the years...until she has eventually been in the ground.
He frequently says things to her with I find upsetting and controlling.
Last week, he dropped D off to our house. My partner was a little late getting home (she's a teacher) and I came home from work to find him and D on the doorstep. He was not looking happy. I got my keys out, let them in and offered him a cup of tea. He declined and said he had places to be and that unfortunately, my partner was late. I told him to do whatever he needed to do (i.e. leave if you are inconvenienced). He did not do this. Instead, he stayed in our house until my partner arrived home - 5 minutes later. Apparently, in the hallway of our house, he 'told her off' for being late and told her she was selfish. This was all in front of D. I didn't hear any of this, as the kettle was boiling in my ear! In his mind, I was in the house and he was, a. Prepared to talk to my partner like this, infront of their 7 yr old, b. Prepared to talk to my partner like she was inferior to him and c. Talk to her like this, with me in ear shot.
I'm pretty peeved with him, and thats a bit of an understatement. My partner emailed him and requested he not talk to her like that in front of D. D is already using his language in a condescending way, to talk to her mother. I've already tried to address this.
I want to email him also, on my own and let him know that its not OK to do this in OUR house, or quite frankly, to do this anyway. Especially not in front of his child. It's been going around and around in my head. I've thought maybe I shouldn't. But I want to. I feel like he does not accept that I am here, that this is my house too, and that I look after his child half the time. He does not really talk to me or address me. It's as if I,'m invisible. I can't bear the way he talks to my partner. It infuriates me.

Am I wrong in wanting to email him and tell him that the way he behaves sometimes, is not appropriate?

Thanks all and sorry for such a long message

I need to add that I had no part in their split. I wasn't around when that was happening. Although it does feel like I was, they way he acts around me. I understand that he might still be hurting (4 years on), but he has a new partner, he has a lovely house for D. He had lots of good things going on. I am just tearing myself up about whether or not to tell him how I feel. I even requested to my partner that perhaps he doesn't come in the house to drop D off, but that he just drops her at the door. But my partner doesn't like this idea. I feel a bit like I have no say in what happens, even though he openly puts her down. I do wonder sometimes, If I was a man, whether he would be so open with his words to her.

Hi, I wouldn't email him ..... what I would do is next time he has words with your partner whilst in your house I would say my piece to him and suggest he does not speak in that manner to your partner infront of their child.

He sounds a vile selfish person

Op, that’s a tough situation you have going on. I suggest your involvement would only escalate things, is that the idea?

I suggest you are best placed to care for DD positively (leave the kettle, take DD away from parents so she doesn’t witness such behaviour), parent her supportively when she is with you, talk about how important it is to be respectful and then be respectful.

What does yr dw want from you?

Improved handovers may help, written handovers? Dd can walk in from the car/door....

As step parent you need to let parents agree and decide. Step back and be a great support.

Agree what he did was inappropriate, nasty, petty, hurtful,..... less you all have to do with him the better but he is dd dad!
It’s ok to say what that person said was wrong. Sounds like some homophobia going on too.

It’s tough.
Do u have support?

Thanks, letsdolunch. I'd much rather say something in person to him. The only time I see him is, unfortunately, when I serve him in my workplace very occasionally and infrequently, when he drops D off to our house, once a week (if Im back from work in time).

I really appreciate your advice. I had thought about talking to D (as she heard him say all of this) and telling her that it is NOT okay to talk to anyone like this. I feel like she thinks this is the norm, and obviously that's not her fault. I've pulled her up several times about not talking to her Mum in the way that she has done. Its like he's talking through her sometimes.

Really your DP needs to ensure that he has no reason to speak to her. Arrange drop off later so she is already home, open door to D say goodbye and shut it in controlling dick's face

She is only mimicing what she hears/sees he dad say.

As a pp suggested take d away from the situation should it occur again.

Be rest assured your time will come to pick him up on his aggressive behaviours - Karma is a bitch when it comes to biting wrong doers on the arse.

In the meantime tell d the way daddy speaks to mummy is not the right way to talk to mummy. Give d alternative ways of expressing herself. Good luck

Thanks user146.....
Just seen your response too. Yes, I am shocked that I didnt hear any of it going on. If I had, I would have intervened immediately.

I'm not sure what he wants to happen. I think my hesitation in contacting him, is just what you were saying - maybe keep out of it? I have a real fight in my head as to whether I should get involved or not. I will have a real job not getting involved. But I have to work out what I want to happen, if I DO get involved.
My partner is very calm about it. I cant help but think that is because she is used to the way he speaks. Im quite frankly shocked at the way he speaks to her and always have been. Sometimes, I've heard him over the phone and its so controlling. I know he still has that control over her and it makes me really sad.
Improved handovers sound really good - yes. Our house is very secure and there is no reason that D can't just be left to walk into our house with us there - she is very happy to do that.
I am left feeling like I am kicking up a fuss, but in reality I have morals, and I wouldnt talk to anyone the way he talks to my partner.
This isn't an isolate incident, in fact, this feels like the cherry on the cake.
Thanks again, for the advice - this has kept me awake at night

Thank you randommess and letsdolunch....
I appreciate the feedback. Its good to hear different views on this, as I realise its so easy for me to be subjective about it given that I don't particularly like him.

I do have some support - I have some good friends and family and all have backed me, but I sort of feel because they want to support me that they will say things to help. It's good to get objective feedback too :)
Letsdolunch, I am very much in favour of Karma! Its interesting that you wrote that, because I often think... 'just sit back and wait'...

It took a few years for Karma to bite when my exh decided an affair after 21yrs of marriage seemed a good ifeax gm

Damn phone fell. Karma has since raised it head, thankfully.

Don't email him. Stay out of it directly and support and help your partner.

Your partner needs to make pick up time later, and to learn to stand up for herself. But

I’m male, just so it’s clear.

My DP’s youngest’s Dad won’t step in the house, which is fine, but also won’t communicate with me (not even an acknowledgment / hello) including texting, even though I’m the one he’s handing her back to 99.9% of the time. They’d split a year before I was on the scene, so nothing to do with OM etc. Although I think he’s a bit stupid for carrying on like this (and it’s meant he’s been sat outside for an hour on more than one occasion because he simply won’t call/text me) I’m not going to force the issue - it’s not my place to.

In my exW’s case, she had an affair and moved in with the guy. I had to do a lot of tongue biting, but was civil for the DC’s sake. But then he started trying to get involved with conversations with my ex and I about the kids, and that’s where I drew the line (eventually less than politely) and told him to GTF. He was not their parent and, in the nicest possible way, neither are you.

IMO, although I sympathise with what you want to do, I don’t think it’s your place to correct their relationship and you’ll not get the result you are hoping for - in fact you’ll almost certainly aggravate things.

Your DW/DP has got to stand up for herself to him, with your support in the background. SHE should be telling him not to speak to her in that way (in front of DC if she has to) and SHE needs to change the ground rules of him coming in etc. As one of the PP said, you can certainly take DSD away from their conversation though.

Has your partner done any work on recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship, like counselling or the freedom programme? She's still essentially in that dynamic with him so needs to relearn some boundaries and strategies to deal with him.

I wouldn't email him if I were you. My sense is that he has no respect for women generally and if you are in a service role (not to mention the same sex relationship aspect) , he probably has even less for you. What I would do is agree with your partner to establish boundaries such as he doesn't come into the house, doorstep handovers only, and he starts having a go, the conversation is ended with door or phone down, etc.

Imho, the best role for you to take in this is to support your DP in learning to assert herself. He is treating her like a child (telling her off) and you are in danger of doing the same (intervening on her behalf). I understand that this comes from your concern for her, but it would be better if she stood up for herself, both with her x and with her DD.

I think it is your job to support your partner and her job to set the boundaries. I can see how hard it must be for you to hear your partner being spoken to in this way but e-mailing may make things worse. If you still think it's an option why not ask your partner if she wants you to contact him.

I really do appreciate all the support and advice here. It's really made me rethink emailing him. I don't really want to get involved, I suppose I feel like I don't have a voice, and the fact that he's now done this in mine and my partner's house, makes the situation even more frustrating. I need to think of my motives behind emailing him. What do I expect to get out of it? And, yes, I am thinking it will annoy him, get his back up but also support my partner. But a lot of you are right in saying, it WILL aggravate the situation - that's not essentially what I want to happen. I can support my partner by talking to her about setting boundaries. Perhaps things like, IF he ever talks like that again - I will take D out of the situation and you will tell him to leave. If he talks like this on the phone, which he has done several times, tell him for instance, that you will not speak to him whilst he's behaviour is the way it is..and ask him to call back when he can speak to her in a way that she deserves? I know it sounds like Im talking to a child!! My partner said she doesn't mind me contacting him, but think she's just trying to now back me up...I think she was fairly shocked when I said I wanted to email him. I think she feels she's said all she wants to to him, at this present time.
Thanks again all - I'll still be following this, as Im up for suggestions and ways of making things better

I think there's nothing you could put in an email that he doesn't already know. He doesn't care what you think, and in fact may even enjoy that he has upset or annoyed you.

I think the best way to get the message across is to show him with your actions.

Speaks to one of you rudely on the phone? Hang up.

Speaks to one of you rudely in the house? Ignored. Asked to leave. The next handover is at the door.

The only thing I would add is that your dp was actually late on this occasion. He was only waiting with you for five minutes but how long had he been on the doorstep before you arrived? Did your dp text to let him know she was running late? I'm not excusing him, he sounds awful, but making handover later might alleviate some tension.

Absolutely "no" to the email. Yes to DP no longer allowing him in the house. If the verbal abuse starts on the doorstop then yes you can "interfere" with a "Tine for you to leave, this isn't the time or place".

Is contact CO?