Shall I walk away ...?

[Falulah]

The dating scenario I am in right now - handsome but flawed, lovely, genuine, family centred, funny, intelligent, humble guy, I thought he was my person, he came after quite a few tests these last few years of guys who have seemed to be the real deal but in the end weren't mature enough to deal with me having a daughter or who didn't want to settle down - these guys I said no to and walked away from after about 3-4 months as they were not what I wanted & I knew I deserved more. I am finding this situation less black and white.

I met this guy 9 months ago, at a time I felt I was in a good place in my life, not desperate for a relationship but focusing on myself & still had in mind I would love to meet a mature and down to earth man who wanted a family and would love me and my daughter - I followed my intuition and loads of signs & suddenly found a great studio for my personal training & wellness business - just so happens he was the landlord. ARG! because of this I initially stayed away from him even though I was very attracted and he did the same for a few months.
However we did keep gravitating towards each other talking all the time and couldn't stop smiling and laughing at each other. He even said we are like magnets together. He doesn't seem to be very forthcoming with words of how he feels but has been very considerate, seemed to take a lot of actions that showed me he respected me and cared about me and not just wanting something physical.
After 5 months of building a friendship we did start dating as we also have incredible chemistry and things in common, similar values. He is 10 years older than me. He had also just come out of a 6 year relationship the exact month I started to rent the studio so interesting timing (not great!). He thought they were gonna have kids etc.. and so as he told me he wanted to move on from ex and put it behind him, we did get closer & started going on dates, he said he needed time to make sure he wasn't just jumping into something and didn't want to end up hurting me. I understood and respected him, stepped away a bit & withdrew - dated other people which I told him about. Although this was hard to hear that he's not ready, as I am ready for a relationship and he is so many of the things on my list. He said he didn't like the idea of me going on other dates but that he wasn't ready to start a new relationship yet. He did seem very conflicted and bummed out about this.
Fast forward 9 months and we have been seeing each other taking it really slow. After we slept together (3 months into dating) he actually became even more sweet and open and affectionate to me rather than freak out or pull back as I thought he might. But I still got the feeling he wasn't putting his all in/holding back a lot/very guarded and I have been too to be honest, not putting my whole self in at all as wanted to be measured and take it slow, protect myself.
I thought we were getting to a point where I was starting to feel warm and fuzzy and he was opening up to me too & he started to make a lot of effort with my daughter as well (He hung out with us a couple of times as 'Mummy's friend' as she has seen him around my business a lot anyway).
Then the last month or so he suddenly has got work problems - too much work on and losing staff members so he had to pick up slack (he runs 2 businesses) also him buying a second property suddenly trying to rush to completion, as well as family crisis just before family wedding & I think maybe ex coming back in and trying to talk to him again.
He is saying he wants to do things properly, spend proper time together not just squeeze in here and there and that he doesn't want to let me down by not having quality time. So he has pulled away and communicated all these reasons why he is not available right now for dates but said hopefully he will be more free after the family wedding and house sale closes next week or so. So I have also pulled away and feel I may need to walk away. But I haven't actually told how I feel - the fact that I do have feelings for him - have initiated dates and hang outs myself but mostly let him take the lead. I do respect everyone has stuff going on but can't help but feel/worry he is trying to get me to read between the lines and hint that he is "too busy" / not into me so that he doesn't have to upset me by telling me straight, especially because of the business connection (which we have talked about how we will always keep it separate and have done well at that so far).
I feel shut out like he's not excited about me or doesn't have time for me and I feel he's not into me anymore, so want to also run away myself. He texted me last weekend saying he had to see his Dad again (because of family crisis) but said he'd hopefully be more free after wedding (with loads of praying hands emojis) - he's been so vocal about checking in and telling me all details of what he's up to etc.. even when he hasn't been able to actually do a proper date, but I worry these are just excuses as well (knowing everyone makes time for people they want to keep in their life) He asked how my weekend was in the text...I just didn't reply because I was confused/upset, I feel want to pull right back and I feel maybe I should walk away. But is this just fear ? and maybe he thinks things are still going well & still wants things to continue. Any opinions ?

Any experience I have is decades/centuries ago but all I can say is that he sounds genuine and communicative and I'd give it a bit of time after this wedding and see what transpires. There's no hurry is there?

Thank you so much, yes you're right there is no hurry.... I suppose I have thought ok I will hold back on inviting him to stuff or saying do you wanna come and meet DD for lunch as I have done spontaneously in the past because I feel a bit rejected that he seems "too busy". Also know my Dad was always "too busy" for me and a workaholic so probably still being triggered with that. I am also used to guys sweeping me off my feet and being super lovey dovey (but then they turned out to be liars, future fakers, narcissistic etc and was unhealthy beginning looking back) I'm not used to such a slow burner. All my friends keep saying to me it's been too long now and he should know whether he wants to commit or not by now and I don't want to feel like a fool by letting him into my life more and more if he's not reciprocating with as much enthusiasm. Don't want him to lose respect for me if he knows I will put up with only a little bit of attention and time and still be hanging on for him. Don't want it to feel like that. The whole situation being so uncertain is starting to cause me quite a lot of anxiety. But I don't want to be coming from a place of fear and end things prematurely.

I guess it feels painful to keep reaching out to him if he's trying to "let me down gently" by getting me to read in between the lines that he doesn't want a relationship with me/changed his mind. I can't tell.
But then only a month ago he was picking me up from the train station after I'd been on a trip away, hanging out with me and my daughter happily, holding her hand making sure she didn't go in the road, making jokes with her, joking we should all go travelling to Cambodia (eating Cambodian street food). I though it was all falling into place.
Maybe this is a test for me to be patient and mature and respect his process rather than having expectations of him to do what I want to serve my timeline.

I think I would respect his need for space for now OP but only up to a point. Maybe set a time limit in your mind (3 months?) allowing time for his current issues to settle down and see where you are by then. If things don't improve after the wedding, or there's further dramas to take up his time I think you would be sensible to walk away at that point.

There is a line between being mature and patient and being strung along and I can see why you're struggling to know where that line is. I think, as you're questioning it, now is a good time to decide a cut off point so you don't need to be constantly conflicted about whether you're being impatient or being kept dangling.

In the meantime I would stick with backing off, let him get his family stuff sorted and see whether he starts to instigate contact again after the wedding. Whether he puts the effort in at that stage or not will tell you how interested/committed he is and if he doesn't you can walk away knowing you gave it a fair chance.

Thank you Hidingtonothing that's really helpful and constructive. I think I will do that and take that approach..... But it's hard not to get triggered when I feel he is letting me down. and when I can't tell or can't get perspective. Trying to please my friends as well really who don't want me to get hurt again and my family who keep asking when it's gonna be official as they see him as really good match for me and my daughter. So feel pressure for it all to be defined. Which is obviously a really bad time for him to do that !

My intuition is telling me it would be premature/dramatic/immature at this point to "end it". It also seems to be my pattern to end it when things get messy / intimate / warm and fuzzy and I start panicking that the guy is taking advantage of me/taking me for granted / actually a psycho and that I've misjudged things (past abusive relationship and past being cheated on) . I also know I have a huge uncomfortable feelings around something fizzling out and not knowing if it's my fault for not showing my true feelings or not being open and trusting enough. I've done a lot of healing and have come a long way /am very aware of my self sabotaging ways and trying to break that pattern. Trying to stay in a place of high self worth and just observe the emotional high and lows and not act on them dramatically from a place of fear. Very hard staying with something unknown and letting go of control !!

I disagree with PPs - I think you’re on a losing streak with this guy who keeps pulling away. He’s fully in control and you’re being jerked around. Take control back and stop contacting him so readily, and consider the relationship over. If he rushes to prove himself and commit then so be it (but I doubt he will).

Sorry, I know it sucks.

Thanks Atrocious for your opinion too, I haven't contacted him at all this week or replied to his text asking how my weekend was that he sent on Monday. The wedding is this weekend...but yeah to be honest the way he was like "hopefully a bit more free after the wedding etc" just seems a bit lame. He does see me around all the time though so I think he just takes it for granted that he's going to see me and have catch up even if not a proper date we usually have a chat, cup of coffee, kissing etc but I only have 1 night a week and 1 night every other weekend where I can actually do something proper because I have my daughter the rest of the nights...and we keep missing each other because of prior commitments. Not just on his part...I've been focussing on my business and had a lot of commitments there which meant I haven't prioritised time with him. For example few weeks ago before his family stuff kicked off, he asked me in advance for a date and asked me if I could do Wed or Sat but sadly I had already made work commitments and did not want to ask my Mum to look after my daughter any more nights than she already was. I could have invited him over to my house I suppose but I am wary of that as I know as we don't get much time together we would have been wanting to have sex and I don't like the idea of having sex and them him not being able to stay over (because we're obviously not at the stage where he can stay over with my daughter in the house yet).

It’s not working, is it? He’s happy to snog and chat on a casual basis, on the offchance, sure, but...I think he’s telling you clearly that he is nowhere near committing to a relationship.

Best not to waste your time.

He's not putting enough importance on you, and you are important! You gave him time and space once, I personally think you were a saint. Just as things have got going smoothly again he's doing it again. The wedding is done, he could have sorted out a little time for you surely? He ought to be really appreciative of you and your patience- but he's not, he's just flaky and taking you for granted.

Yes I think you should probably be walking. I'd be telling him this isn't good enough for you - if he doesn't up his game to keep you it's done. You shouldn't have all this uncertainty in a relationship that works.

I am afraid to say it, but if he was really in to you he would make time for you. Sorry but I think it is time to move on.

Yeah that’s what I keep thinking... he could have sorted out some time. He just is so reserved with initiating ... it’s like every time he asks me out he expects me to say no & doesn’t want to put himself out there too much. So hesitant. I keep thinking though if he didn’t want a relationship why would he have been so keen to come and spend time with me and DD and make so much effort with her? It’s not like we’re sleeping together in between these dates when we do happen to cross paths, just kissing. But yeah I need to stop initiating and see whether he will make any effort to keep things going apart from texting me to tell me all the things he’s doing that mean he can’t make a proper date.
I have considered it over now in my mind for a few days now. I would be excited to meet someone else at this point. I keep watching Love Island to remind me exactly HOW a guy can’t get enough of a girl when he REALLY likes her.
Just so sad as he ticks so many boxes and is SO great with my daughter. He adores his niece who’s her age & has said he wants kids etc... I just really saw a future which is why I was patient. He also was making it really clear to me that he wasn’t interested in playing the field and wasn’t seeing anyone else. He even made sure I knew what his sister looks like (I do from Facebook) and explained that she has the key to his flat and goes there sometimes when she’s in the area picking up her daughter , said he didn’t want me to think she was some random blonde woman coming out of his flat.
But anyway.... I’m also not afraid to walk away as id rather have nothing than be taken for granted and given breadcrumbs.

How should I say it to him in a non arsey / dignified / clear way when I see him? I think if I bump into his at the studio (he lives in the same complex so see him there often) . I’m going to need to still see him professionally etc. I think he will ask why I didn’t text back ...?

You deserve better. No relationship is worth this much twisting and turning especially in the early days. He sounds like he genuinely likes you but just not enough to make room for you in his life.

Thanks guys ... so yes any ideas how I should phrase it when I see him if he asks me why I didn’t text back / if I got his text .. as he has before ... need to put it in a non-arsey and dignified way. Don’t want to play the victim and be like “you’ve not treated me well enough so x y z” just want to keep my pride and confidence and be mature.

Can you not just say something like "I think I need more of a relationship than you want to have"? Something like that. I don't think that's needy, it's truthful- you're only wanting a normal relationship, nothing extraordinary.

I really don't think a house purchase and wedding stop you having a night out so it feels like an excuse.

Have you asked him specifically if he has ended everything with his Ex? What age is and what is his relationship history?

Yes.. "I think I need more of a relationship than you want to have" is good... But I don't want to assume, I guess I just need to ask him outright, do you see things going anywhere with us or do you just want something casual and to hang out when you don't have anything else to do ? Because in that case we don't want the same thing. I want to date someone who's excited about spending time with me and it potentially developing into something.

lifebeginsat50 he's 40 and he said for the last 17 years he's just been in long term relationships....so he said he just needs some time alone & doesn't know what he wants. He said this just as we were getting to know each other as friends a few months after the ex moved out so it was very fresh then. I listened to him and gave him space/didn't see it as a romantic thing at that stage. We didn't start properly seeing each other for a good while after that and I dated other people during that time. The relationship with his ex definitely over as far as I know. She moved out in Oct last year. She came to get most of her stuff but still has a bunch of larger stuff in the separate storage area of his flat. They were together for 6 years and lived together for 4 years. She was a couple of years younger than him. I'm 10 years younger but I have a daughter and my own business and def wanting a mature man as I'm 29 and I live in a rural area...the rest of the guys around here are either way too young & still live with their parents or married.

He's been open when I've asked him before when we started dating properly I said what's been going on with your ex then the past few months, he said she'd been messing with his head a bit texting him saying she missed him and she didn't know what she wanted but he said he had realised it was never going to make sense with them and that he was trying to let it all go over his head. He moved everything out of his flat to do with her and even when I first went up to his flat for a cup of tea before we even started dating it looked as if a woman had never lived there.

alifeafter50 -- also forgot to say, it's not just a night out, I only have Wednesday evenings free and every other Saturday evening. Whenever he's been free and asked me in advance for a date recently I've not been free because of prior commitments and whenever I've been free he's either been away abroad on a stag do which was planned obviously months ago, or he's been at his parent's place giving support to his Dad because of the family crisis. Or working to make up for missing time at work because of the stag do. He does seem to be the one who is too busy more than me - but why tell me then in so much details everything that's going on and tell me "I'll hopefully be more free after the wedding" if he wanted to let things fizzle out? Maybe he just wants to keep me as an option but I thought he respected me more than that. He seems to be really fond of my daughter too and always asks after her, asks how her nursery sports day went etc and seemed a bit emotional when I tell him about stuff going on with her ie. when it was really sad recently that loads of her little friends cancelled on her birthday party, or telling him about trying on her school uniform for starting school in Sept etc. He seemed really connected with me/us/ like we had a real bond and like he was really invested.