How do I leave my baby’s daddy?

[amylou1805]

We’ve been together almost 6 years and before my daughter was born we were engaged & happy, but after she arrived things changed - well actually that’s the point they didn’t for him just for me. We started to argue constantly because he would still act like he had no responsibilities ie going to the pub every weekend, spending money on pointless stuff and doing things either late at night or the weekend without considering “family time” I didn’t say anything for a long time because whilst on maternity I didn’t feel I had the right too. But after I returned to work 30hrs a week and I still had zero time for myself, I still had to do every shred of housework and he he still went out without a care for me or her I’d had enough. I’d been going dress shopping for the wedding but we had to cancel because he wanted to spend the wedding money on starting his own business (which I fully supported but this wedding money was ours financially we’re pretty much equal) I felt guilty because he said I didn’t believe in his dreams so he had the money spent it and wasted it so that was great. The past few months have been horrendous. I have never felt so depressed around someone in my entire life. If I want to talk about things he kicks off because he doesn’t want too. So I’ve stopped speaking all together in his presence but we still manage to argue, I still have sex with him just to keep him happy because he kicks off If I don’t want too but I absolutely hate and dread every single part of it. I want to leave him so badly but I feel guilty and bad for him because even though I know he hates all this arguing too he would still stay with me. I just don’t know how to do this and I needed to vent, thank you for even reading

You need to picture how much easier life will be when you only have yourself and your baby to worry about.

No one should be having sex to stop their partner "kicking off", that's grim. He doesn't support you, he's selfish, irresponsible and doesn't seem to care about you or your shared child enough to do anything for you.

He sounds genuinely awful and you sound so battered by it all.

What's your housing situation? Can you leave? My worry for you is if you don't leave soon you'll end up expecting less and less from him and forget what life should be like instead of this drudgery and misery.

Have you got a friend or family you could talk to?

1. Stop having sex with him!! Tell him you dont want to. No person in their right mind wants to have sex with someone they know doesnt want to. NO! Please please stop.

1. Of course he will stay. Hes living the fucking high life. Why would he want to upset the status quo?

1. In a way its good he spent that money. You would be spending even more right now if you had got married and were now having to divorce. Hes inadvertently saves you money.

1. Leave. Relationships are mutual- both people want to be in them. When one person wants to stop it, they can. They dont need the other persons permission. It isnt mutually negociated. You dont stay and be miserable so that hes not. Im sure he will be heartbroken, etc (or maybe not, dont know). But thats temporary. Staying with someone you dont want to be with for the rest of your life isnt an option

I’ve told my mum about how he doesn’t do anything for me & DD and how selfish he is but she just says “that’s how men are” which I don’t stand by because it’s not how men are I know it’s not normal for someone to be so selfish so I don’t know why she sees it that when when she has such a nice husband.

I’ve never spoke to my friends about it because I’m so embarrassed, they know I’m not happy and they tell me to leave him all the time but I’ve never been in depth with how bad he really is,

I could leave I would just have to save up which shouldn’t be a problem if I concentrate,

I just feel so incredibly guilty, some times for a day or maybe two we can “get along” and there be no arguments but they end up coming back round and he’ll only start being nice to me again when he wants sex which actually makes me cry thinking about giving it to him,

Thank you for replying I really appreciate it 💕

"I still have sex with him just to keep him happy because he kicks off If I don’t want too but I absolutely hate and dread every single part of it. I want to leave him so badly but I feel guilty and bad for him because even though I know he hates all this arguing too he would still stay with me"

I felt exactly like this for a good few years before I left my DD’s dad. I was so unhappy I put on weight and I had absolutely no social life. I moved to be with DD’s dad away from all my friends and family. I went out on a RARE night out with some mums from my DD’s nursery and on the way home with one of the ladies I just burst into tears and blurted out how unhappy I was. I had no money at all, and everything we had was HIS so I felt I couldn’t leave but I also couldn’t stay for much longer. I didn’t want my DD growing up looking at our relationship and thinking that was normal and if she gets into a relationship like that I would 100% tell her to leave. We have an argument one night and I just said im done I can not longer do this. I slept on the sofa for a few weeks and started looking for private rents (he was very surprised) found a place to call home. Left and never looked back.

Although we did not get on a truly believed that we both deserved to be happy.. and that was not going to happen whilst we were with eachother. I did it for all of us and he would argee i did the right thing.

Its been tough at times. I had to start from complete scratch accumulated a fair bit of debt (which I’m slowly paying off) but now my DD has a happy mummy and daddy. I have not once regretted leaving and have been so much happier since.

I hope you find the strength to leave if that is what you want OP x

I tell him I don’t want to have sex with him all the time and he’ll make me feel bad about it so I do, he 100% knows, unless I’m not saying it loud enough, it just makes me sick I can’t cope with it but it genuinely seems the only way to make him happy and for him to be nice to me for a day or two. I know myself how disgusting it sounds but it’s just got to the point where I’ll do anything for him to leave me alone and not upset me or my daughter cause he’s a man that has absolutely no issues in grabbing me in front of her or shouting and swearing whilst she’s in the room and I’d do anything for that to stop, god just writing this I know how pathetic I sound.

Thank you for replying Xx

Read this back as if it was your daughter writing it and then follow that, because you know what the answer will be.

You are not pathetic... I was lucky and got away with only having to have sex with him every few weeks.. towards the last year or so it went to every few months. But it was horrible and i hated every minute. I will never put myself through that again.

Do you both own your home? do you have family you could go and stay with. I know how hard it is to leave hun but please dont let your DD grow up to think that how he treats you is normal and that she should put up with it.
x

Not all men are like that. Maybe if your mother thinks they are then that's what you grew up seeing and for a while it felt normal?

You're saying a lot about what he wants and doesn't want, he wants to have sex, he doesn't want to talk or do his share of looking after the family. It sounds as though both of you somehow feel that his wants and needs trump yours and that's not a partnership.

If I were you I'd think very carefully about what I want as an end game so I'd got that vision in mind and then tell him. If he's killed the relationship for you then you will certainly be happier out of it and I would imagine he will be too once he's got over the shock of you doing what you want for a change.

I'm sorry, this sounds terribly blunt and I have so much sympathy for you, it sounds like a horrible situation to be in. But if he can avoid any discussion of your feelings then he doesn't care about you and your happiness and that's no way to live with someone. Good luck.

You do not sound pathetic! However it is good that you are able to see this from an outside perspective and realise how very wrong what he is doing is. It is absolutely abusive and the sex is really not consensual, it's coerced. Use this thread as the turning point and get out as soon as you can. Muster all the support you can in real life, get help here and get out. It sounds like financially and otherwise you aren't in an impossible situation, just need to realise this can only get worse and it's terrible already! Good luck.

Pick one of your level-headed friends that you trust and tell them everything. Absolutely everything. I think people often hold back from this because they know that the right friend will help them see everything in a perspective that makes it clear they have to end things. It's basically a 'first step.'

If you have moments where you falter and consider staying, phone that friend and ask them why you needed to split up. Hear the reasons listed by someone else.

Your dds name is in a previous post.

He grabs you aggressively, shouts and screams at you, spends your savings, never helps you with DD or the housework and coerces you into sex?

This is abuse. Plain and simple. Emotional/verbal/physical/sexual and financial abuse. The nasty bastard has got all bases covered. All of it. He is a horrible, soulless man and you need to get yourself and your child away from him.

Speak to the police, your GP and women's AID. Tell them everything. Women's AID will get you and DD away and into a refuge if you want to leave fast. You could stay there a few months whilst you get on your feet and then hopefully be housed.

Bless you OP. Run as fast as you can, you deserve so much better. Good luck x.

Firstly, stop having sex with him and don’t ever be made to feel guilty for saying no to that, it is your body to decide what enters it or doesn’t!

Since you work, leaving will be far easier. I would contact tax credits and see if you are entitled to child tax or working tax. If it is your house, simply kick him out. If it is a joint tenancy/mortgage, you may have more trouble on your hands.

I would be personally gutted about the joint savings you have lost out on for his business venture but chalk it up to money worth losing to have the stress he causes out of your life.

You deserve far better than this and since you’re already basically a single parent, you may as well actually be one.

Thank you all so much for your messages, I don’t think you realise how much they have helped me. I always thought I was being pathetic & dramatic but now I know I’m not and that I do deserve better. Leaving him is going to be hard he has been my best friend for the past 6yrs and sometimes we do actually get along and I still think maybe the good times out weigh the bad but they actually really don’t, I just think I’m going to dread going to bed alone at night. We currently rent so if he won’t move out I’ll move out, I discussed with my mum who said she’d give me a room if it came to it so I could save up and move out but she still doesn’t agree with what I’m doing (my biological dad was a bastard who physically & emotionally abused her but she never wanted him to leave he left her for another woman) but still she doesn’t know the extent of what he’s like because again I’m too embarrassed to say. I have my driving test on the 3rd and i am praying that I pass because I technically can’t leave until I do because there’s no bus route to work 😭 I think about being away from him every minute of the day I can’t stop thinking about
It, i just want these few weeks to fly by.

Honestly thank you all so much