Help me improve relationship with MIL

[Bluejay19]

Sorry in advance for the long post but I want to give the full picture.

So DH and I have been together 7yrs married for 2. Initially I had a great relationship with PIL but soon after DH and I got engaged MIL started being slightly off towards me - I suspect that she may have wanted to be more involved in the wedding planning than she was (hindsight is a wonderful thing) that said we did involve her in the planning quite a bit but I think she wanted to be more involved with dress selection for me etc - it was just my own mother and I who saw the dress before the wedding day and was something special that I shared with her. I'm sure MIL will get to experience this with her own DD one day.

Anyway fast forward to announcing that we are pregnant all is well they are happy for us etc. but since then every time we have seen my in laws my MIL has virtually ignored me - never once asked how I was during the pregnancy (not even a "hi how are you" just hi). I felt like a glorified incubator where she was concerned.

Fast forward again to my DD being born - DH and I had agreed that we would not be having visitors in the hospital as we wanted this time for ourselves as a new family.
Unfortunately circumstances meant that DD was born early on a weekend when my mum was visiting (my parents live 5hrs away) - my mum only popped in for 5mins to say hello to me (she didn't hold the baby or anything) and then she left and went and stayed with my aunt. All was fine.

We were in hospital for a few days after the birth due to some minor complications, but spoke to the in laws etc. All was well.
We were discharged late on the Thursday evening getting home around 8pm and so didn't have any visitors that evening (though my mum was staying with us) then had my in laws around at the earliest time they could come following FIL finishing work the following day. Had a lovely little visit with them - I thought all was good. My mum left the following day.

Fast forward to DD being 2weeks old and another visit from in laws including SIL.
We had a scare in the morning with a suspicious looking rash so went to the out of hours doctors - I told DH to tell his family as we had to drive to another town for the appointment and ended up being slightly late back home for lunch with the in laws - neighbours had let them in so no problems here.

When we got back DD was getting upset as she needed a change so I took so I took her to change her DH then carried her back to meet her aunt and say hello to grandparents etc. MIL straightaway went to take DD off him without asking DH politely asked her to wash her hands before holding DD (which she seemed annoyed about) but she did anyway an then had a cuddle and kept referring to her as "my baby" a term that irritates me as DD is actually just my and DH's baby but I understand that different people see this differently so fine.

MIL then gives DD back and I look at DD who is giving me feeding cues so I take her into another room to feed her (not ready to breastfeed in front of in laws yet). In the meantime lunch is ready and so I say for them to start eating so it doesn't eat cold and I will be back shortly which I was as soon as DD finished feeding.
Came back in and MIL asks straight away when I'm going to start bottle feeding her - I said that we were just going to see how breastfeeding went and take it one day as a time. Anyway I stood to eat my lunch at the kitchen island next to DD in her Moses basket (all chairs were occupied) and quite honestly I was more than happy to stand at this point as it was much more comfortable than sitting at this point iyswim... anyway MIL kept telling me to sit down (I know she means well but also just wanted to hover over DD) fine but as I say above it was my preference to stand....and I politely told MIL that I was happy standing hoping she might understand but no she just got annoyed with me - I wasn't about to broadcast my pain downstairs to them over lunch...

Visit ends shortly after with MIL being off with me but then I'm tired and emotional so don't think too much of it. Fast forward two days later DH meets his parents for a drink after work and MIL tells him that the way I'm acting isn't normal and that I'm far too overprotective of DD (yes she is my firstborn) and basically convinced him that I have postnatal depression (I didn't and haven't since), cue big argument with DH which is thankfully quickly resolved as my DH realised that he was wrong to take what his mother said as being correct when he knows me much better and knows deep down that I was ok and not at al depressed emotional yes depressed no, still a very tense relationship with MIL but I want to focus on my DD who is my priority now. I then get a phone call from SIL saying how upset MIL is that she hasn't seen much of DGD etc and that she should be seeing much more of her etc. I explain to SIL how hurt I was about MIL telling DH that my behaviour wasn't normal etc. but still after the conversation I called MIL to try and clear the air - I explained how I felt to MIL etc. she never apologised (which upsets me) but we agreed to move on - all is good (or so I thought).

To clarify we have never restricted access/visits from my in laws with DD, every time they have wanted to see us/her we have met them for lunch or something.

We had a couple of nice visits with PIL - MIL still not really acknowledging me but loves DD so I let it go along with several snide comments. She is now though getting progressively less kind to me and is not at all respectful of me or my feelings.

My question is do I try again to talk to her about it (all attempts previously have failed - there were several before DD was born) or do I leave it and hope she improves over time?

To clarify DH and SIL are both getting more and more annoyed with how MIL is behaving and it feels like they both tolerate her because of my FIL who is a lovely man.

I just don't want to keep putting myself in a situation where I'm made to feel like I'm not worthy to be part of their family (only MIL makes me feel this way) and I don't want DD to grow up and see her mother be disrespected by her grandmother and think that is ok etc.

Any advice on how to improve the situation would be great.

Sorry for such a long post - thank you if you have managed to read it all.

After years of dealing with an MIL who's similar to this (though not as bad) my only advice would be to regard her as your husband's mother, someone who is in your life but who you possibly won't ever get along with. You don't have to put up with anyone treating you like shit, ever, no matter who they are. Tell your DH he can deal with her, as she's his mother, and you'll just be around her when you have to be. I can't tell you the relief I've had since doing this - I'm no longer tying myself in knots trying to like someone who is just a pain in the arse and DH just manages all her idiocy - it is just not my problem any more.

Head.
Brickwall.
Leave dh to deal with her. Don't waste head space trying to fathom an odd woman.
Enjoy YOUR baby. She had her time with hers. Do well to remember that.

Being a gp is a privilege not a right.

Your husband sounds great so I think you can let him handle it. If he wants to speak to her and it improves the situation, great. If he won't speak to her or he does and she carries on, you just explain to him that you'll be reducing contact with her for obvious reasons and he can make his own arrangements with her - and he can convey this to her as he chooses. You couldn't do this without his back up but he sounds as if he knows what his mother is. It's nice that your s-i-l seems to have your back too.

Do SIL and FIL include you as normal? If so I would just give up with MIL. She isnt going to change and you arent going to be able to chat it out. You already tried.

Theres a lot of raises eyebrows at family gatherings involving either my grandmother or step grandmother. None of us GC had to be very old before we could see straight through it, I never got the impression their behaviour was okay or normal because family members would step in for the person they were targetting, or everyone would sigh and ignore them, etc. So I think what you really need is for DH, SIL and FIL to be willing to intervene at times rather than just let her bad mouth you or blatantly ignore you or whatever shes doing.

This is who she is; there were some red flags re her prior to you marrying her son too. It is not your fault or your H's that she is like this, you did not make her that way. You come from an emotionally healthy family unit, your DH has not been so lucky here.

Let your DH (and SIL) deal with her, fortunately for you he seems to be on the same page as you and he does not appear to be a mouse or go into child mode in front of his mother. There is no point in further talking to her about this, it will be a wasted effort on your part. She does not want to know and such difficult people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Her actions are about power and control and she wants absolute here. Indeed it is right that you do not your DD to grow up seeing you as her mum being disrespected by her grandmother. I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

Have firm and consistent boundaries re MIL and FIL in terms of what is and is not acceptable here and apply them every single time. Present a united front. Do not let her snide comments go either in front of your child; the MN stalwart, "did you mean to be so rude" could be used.

FIL is not really a lovely man at all and is more likely than not to be his wife's enabler. He is in all likelihood also a weak man who acts out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He has failed to protect his son or you as his wife from the excesses of her behaviours. He cannot be at all relied upon either so I would lower all forms of contact with him as well. There needs to be consequences for their actions.

And what SpaghettiJumper wrote as well. This is how my MIL is towards me, I feel like an afterthought and not at all noticed or otherwise acknowledged.

And this child is your baby, not hers so pull her up swiftly on any "my baby" comments she utters. Such women I think do see other women as a threat or as someone who "stole" their son away from them, they are certainly not liked.

Leave it. At the moment her behaviour is speaking for itself - if you do anything it gives her something to hang it on. Be a unit with your DH and leave her enough rope to hang herself with.

You've answered your own question in a way. Your key thing is I don't want DD to grow up and see her mother be disrespected by her grandmother and think that is ok etc.

Any advice on how to improve the situation would be great. Don't do anything. Don't react. Don't try reason with her. You are happy with your parenting and her involvement. Don't change a thing. Leave DH to manage communications with her.

It's obvious she isn't going to be a second mother to you. She disapproves you. The trick is to think "So?" You be polite to her, avoid awkward topics of conversation, in your own mind "own" the the fact that you are top dog and you don't have to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain).

Smile, tinkly laugh or slightly hard stare and pointed change of subject both work tremendously well with passuve aggressive shit stirrers.

There is no improving the relationship with her, sorry.

Your mil is a bitch. You are an easy target. Much too easy to resist. She can’t help herself. This is all about her and has nothing to do with you. Any woman her son married would be treated the same.

Follow the excellent advice above from several pps. Especially letting your dh deal with her. I had the same and I thought of my dh as the ambassador to deal with his family. Hand any phone calls to him directly. He makes the plans. You make no contact without him present.

Most importantly, please, completely detach emotionally. Zero expectations, as also mentioned above -(or was that another thread? ). No expectations equals no disappointments.

My mil still gets one in occasionally even from beyond the grave. She gave my dd a recipe for a cake dh loves, and you can guess the recipe was altered. Dd just said, “Well that’s another bucket of coal for Grammy’s fire tonight.”

Thank you all for your replies. They have really helped clarify the situation I'm in. I think it is best that I take your advice and be polite but firm with MIL if she tries to undermine me in front of DD - though I hope (and believe) that DH will continue to take the lead here.

I do feel a bit sorry for her because all she is achieving is alienating herself from her DC's but there is no helping her. I've given her a lot of chances to change her attitude towards me and it is only me that gets hurt.

I feel better knowing that I'm not alone (not that I would wish my MIL situation on anyone) it really does help.

I hadn't thought of FIL as being her enabler before but when I think about it now I accept that this is most likely the case so will proceed with caution on this one.

Feeling much happier about the situation now - I think the realisation that she won't change is a big help - thank you all for making me see this.

I always look for the best in people but honestly the best thing about this woman is her DS who is a kind and caring husband and father.

You've got great advice already on this thread OP . My MIL is an overexcited and rather overbearing granny. In ten years she hasn't really got to know me as a person and we don't really have any shared interests/tastes aside from family, so I look upon my interactions with her as about facilitating a relationship between her and my DC, not as a social occasion for me.

I use the 'broken record' approach of answering her repetitive questioning of our parenting choices with the same answer, worded the same way, every single time. Nice and boring. I'll also throw in "We talked about that last time you were here MIL, don't you remember?". Usually does the trick.

Also MN taught me "never complain, never explain" i.e. just keep things very neutral and polite, don't engage. If she asks/demands anything annoying and has deliberately waited until your DH is out of earshot tell her you need to check with DH and then get him back within earshot, and repeat whatever she has said.