NC with mother

[WestBerlin]

I’m a new member but long time lurker that’s appreciated the insight of posters here, and I guess I’m just looking for some advice for my situation.

I had, and I suppose have, a very difficult relationship with my mother and stepfather that involves physical and emotional abuse as well as attempted alienation of my biological father (who I know have a good and supportive relationship with seperate of my vengeful mother. She has never been able to accept or forgive me this). I don’t want to drip feed It’s hard to go into detail about it all because there’s so, so much that I’m honestly not sure where to start, other than the fact it came to a head yesterday for me when I cut off contact with them both for my own sanity.

I’m terrified. I know that logically there’s nothing they can do to me and I’m very lucky to have a lot of support from my friends and partner who know the details of my childhood, but I’m honestly shit scared of the hellstorm that she is sure to unleash trying to get to me. All I want is to be left alone, but I know she won’t be able to respect that because as her daughter, she feels she has a right to have access to my life.

I also feel guilty, stupidly. Whenever I have tried to confront my mother about what happened in the past it cycles between her acknowledging what happened, claiming that I’m lying, accusing me of having false memories, and finally that yes, it did happen but I was a terrible child and it was all my fault and I deserved it. Did I deserve it? Does a child ever deserve to be beaten, spat on, have their bones cracked? I know they don’t, but they make me question myself and right now I’m very confused.

I just need someone to hear me, I guess. I need advice as to where to go from here. Thank you for reading.

Have you read the stately homes thread? That will give you some strategies, places to look at for help and support from others like you.

As for the shit storm, you can always prepare.

Block all phone numbers or change your number.

Block all email addresses or set up a divert so they go straight to a folder that you can hide and not look at unless you want to.

Get a little camera set up at your front door if you think they will show up. You will be able to see them coming and not respond.

Get your partner to pick up the mail and remove anything they send.

Turn off you answering machine if you have it sonthwy can leave messages. Caller id as well so you don’t pick up.

Delete or adapt depending on your situation.

And dont feel guilty. Read up on the FOG. Time to protect yourself.

So they can’t leave a message. 🙄

I went nc with my abusive parents, OP. Best decision I ever made.
Read the book “Toxic parents” by Susan Forward. You’ll recognise so much, and it will help you to deal with it.
You owe the abusive shits nothing. No guilt, no fear, no obligation, no consideration, no deference, no submission.
Big hug, and my prayers for your courage to enjoy your freedom and future happiness. Don’t look back.

I'll check out stately homes, sounds like it could be very helpful to me.

It's so strange, on one hand I'm completely calm and on the other I just feel like a seething mass of anxiety when I think about them trying to contact me or my partner (which she threatened to in order to 'expose' me. There is nothing to expose). I'm an adult but part of me still feels like that kid that's scared for her life.

I've changed my number and email address. They also don't know where I'm about to move to. I just need peace now, I need to be able to move forward in my life without this dread hanging over me. I'm just so scared of them coming after me.

Thank you for the support, I've really needed to be heard and acknowledged over this. It's hard to get things straight in your own mind when you're being told that you're wrong and that you've deserved to be mistreated.

OP it might help you to sit down and write a letter, detailing all the abuse and all the reasons why you want to be nc - all the things you wish you’d had the courage and knowledge to say to your parents at the time you were a child.
Don’t actually send the letter ( unless you want to and feel strong enough), but it may help you to vent some of your anger and distress onto paper. Also seeing it there in black and white helps you to see that it was all them, not you- whatever gaslighting and guilt tripping they have tried on you to blame you for it.
Imagine a friend told you all those things happened to them - would you tell them they deserved it, or should feel guilty? Of course not! You’d be horrified and try to comfort them. And that’s what you need to do for your inner child - validate her feelings, accept her version of events unconditionally, and help her to heal and move on.
You may wish to see a counsellor for help with all this - it can be hard. But you absolutely deserve a happy future away from the ghastly parents. They wrecked your childhood- don’t let them wreck your adulthood.
Stay strong. God bless.

Thank you. I've started writing down some of the instances of abuse to get it clear in my own head, so I can see clearly just how awful it actually was.

I know I've made the right decision, it's just hard and I feel I'm also grappling with guilt for making it. As horrendous as they could be they weren't always terrible, but the good can't negate the extent of the bad, can it? Am I being unfair? It's not right, is it, to beat a child because her wardrobe was untidy? To the extent you crack her bones? It's not right to drug an 11 year old with controlled and highly addictive medications that weren't even prescribed to her. To threaten to slit her throat if she told anyone your criminal secrets.

I know it's not right, logically, but I just feel wretched right now. I do need counselling, as I said I know very well I've made the right decision and I won't go back on it, but I'm just reeling from having to make it.

Hello

As per all the previous posts, you are doing the right thing. I am NC with my parents for 2 years and this stage is so difficult but will so with it. You have to look after and protect yourself now and it will lift a huge weight off your shoulders. I am so pleased you gave good support around you.

Best best wishes

Good for you for making the first step, well done!

My motto is that there's no reasoning with unreasonable. Unfortunately in this situation you will both have your 'truths' and she won't understand your side so I would suggest trying to work (perhaps with a trained therapist who's job it is to help) on accepting the way she is and what's happened so that you can move on, like you said, logically there's nothing she can do it's more the anxiety.
I hope that helps, good luck xxxxxx

💐 you've done the right thing. The things you have described are abuse. You did not deserve it. If they cause you trouble call the police you may be able to get a restraining order. You could still report them to the police for the abuse you suffered as it was nt right and will never be okay. Broken bones sounds horrific 💐

I am nc with my mother. Crazy abusive alcoholic since I was 13 and still to this day 20 years on. Not an ounce of remorse for the way she treated us as she's also a narcissistic witch who is never wrong. Walking away 8 years ago was the best thing I have ever done. Even after moving out I still had to deal with abuse from her every other day be it abusive voicemails, her turning up at my house threatening to smash my car & windows, call me every name under the sun. The last straw was her turning up at my dc1's 1st birthday drunk and abusing everyone at the party. I said no more, changed my number and moved. Best thing I've ever done. You get plenty of parents on Gransnet who have been disowned by their kids and have no idea why but the majority I'm sure are lying to themselves- people don't walk away from their family for no reason, I certainly didn't.
It was a relief to finally be free. Stay strong 💪

Thank you. I really appreciate the help in this thread I needed to be heard, I've buried my head in the sand for a long time and told myself what happened was normal, although I knew, and know, it wasn't.

I have an appointment with the police on Monday, I don't want to pursue charges over the abuse, but I do want to be left alone going forward, and they said they can issue a harassment order against her.

Hello west hope your ok.

I’ve gone NC with my own mother through similar reasons.

I had therapy but it didn’t work for me as it was too much to analyse what really went on.

You will 100% get through this. You just need to start self helping yourself - honestly leave your mother. You will never ever get the apologies or recognition you need.

Toxic parents is a good book to read, it helped me define and see my parents in black and white. Read as much as you can on abusive parents and children who have been victims.

I felt lost for such a long time and it effected my self esteem in my teens and early 20s.

One good tool was to talk to and imagine myself as the younger me and the adult me console and look after the younger me how I should have been. Sounds bonkers but it actually helped a lot.

Can’t remember last time I saw or had contact with my mother, must be -12 years or more.

Don’t beat yourself up about. In time you will find peace with yourself for going NC.

Do what is right for you, it is your life - remember that