Ended my 'affair' - need advice on how to make it through :(

[Anonymous233]

Hey

I posted a while ago on being in love with someone else, who wants to be with me and seems the only person who has ever loved me the way I wanted him to. We were involved for the past few months.

I want(ed) to leave my partner but haven't made it out yet, despite some attempts to end it.

Instead, I have just ended it with the person I love and it's excruciating. I so want to be with him. Instead, I am about to go on holiday with my partner and son. I never really waned this trip, but I was weak enough to agree to it back when I was in limbo. And then I thought: if I truly love him and cannot fully commit, it's kinder to let him go. That's what love is, yes? :'(

He is absolutely devastated and was drinking a lot last night I know. I am so worried about him, but he has told me to delete all messages for good. Instead, I keep check if there are any more.
I haven't really let go. I want to run to him and commit. The only thing holding me back is fear, and how this would affect my son.

I know there is a lot of talk on rose tinted glasses and affairs. He is not perfect, but the most committed and caring man I have ever met.

How am I going to cope?

And my son has just woken up..

Please someone talk to me. L

I am so sorry your in this mess.

Take a day out, don't check your messages and just do something with your son.

Decide want you want and then move towards it.

Ask yourself why? Splitting up your family and home for this person, would it be worth it? How do you think your son and current partner might cope? Will you be truly happy to walk away from what you currently have for someone else?

No one can make that decision for you I'm afraid but it's most definitely time for some hard thinking. Go on holiday and try very hard to enjoy your time together, remember why you first got together, try to reignite those feelings. If you come back feeling the same as you currently do you'll have your answer. But the grass isn't always greener so be warned.

Thank you for replying to me.

My son has fallen asleep in my arms, so at least I have someone to hold. :')

I will try to have a cry out now and then make the rest of the day as enjoyable for my son as possible..

I know the grass isn't always greener.
I also have strong emotional needs (empath and got slightly abused in my childhood), so am always loaded with emotions.

He has always embraced even that side of me. But he still challenged me, saying it is I who needs to sort myself out (be braver and work on my self esteem). He just wants to be there for me. When things got bad, he offered to pay for emergency counselling for me, even though I hurt him (I didn't take it).

And he spent ages reading through books on parenting to research how my little one would be least affected. :(

I’ve been there though I didn’t have kids. I made the leap out of my marriage in a situation just like yours. Once I was with him all the empathy and reading up about how to help my situation dried up. I don’t think, deep down he ever thought I’d leave my husband and he panicked.

However, I never regretted Leaving my husband because if I could feel this way for anyone else it couldn’t have been right. It was the most awful time of my life and briefly destroyed him. I cried every day for what I did.

Fast forward many years. Husband now remarried to a lovely woman and has kids. We are still on great terms.

Child with affair-man. On good terms but he was not who he portrayed himself to be.

What a incredibly tough but really brave thing you did. I don’t think there’s any easy way to move on, but time is a great healer and you will be ok in the end. I sincerely believe that for whatever reason we end up committing to the wrong person, then the right one comes along but circumstances prevent us from being with them. Another time, another place, another dimension as someone once said to me. Good luck, stay strong.

How old is your son?

What stopped you from leaving your current partner?

He is not perfect, but the most committed and caring man I have ever met.

Oh yeah quite the catch having an affair with a married woman that has a small child.

Just end it with your partner so he can be with someone that won’t cheat on him.

Why didnt you leave your partner? Are you just staying for your son? How old is your son? I got divorced and now I’m with my AP. However, he was never the reason I got divorced, he was just the trigger. (I had been thinking about divorcing on and off for many, many years).

My son is four.

I think partially what stopped me is the pressure and that I can't seem to talk to my other half, or at least not while deceiving him.

Plus I guess the fear of making things worse. I have been cheated on too and swore never to do that to anyone. It's not right, but it's easy to judge when you still have your morals intact.

I have been cheated on too and swore never to do that to anyone.

But you now have. Leave your partner.

Oh yeah quite the catch having an affair with a married woman that has a small child

Errr he’s technically not doing anything wrong. He isn’t cheating.

This annoys me about mumsnet

Yes cheating is bad blah blah blah but relationships and cheating isn’t always black and white! Accept the fact that not all marriages will last and some people marry the wrong person only to meet the right one whilst still married later on in life.

By no means am I saying cheating is okay. It isn’t. But it happens, we are humans. It doesn’t always make the person a horrible individual who doesn’t deserve love and happiness

I know somebody much older who spent her life doing charity work, travelling to poor countries and setting up lives for those less fortunate. She was/is the most loveliest of people you could meet. Nobody has a bad word to say about her. However she ended up meeting somebody new and ended her marriage. Was it an ideal situation? No. Did she want that to happen? No. Does it make her a bad person? No!! It makes her human.

OP, if you truly aren’t happy in your marriage and are only staying for your child, then you need to split up. It isn’t fair on you, your husband or your child. Everybody deserves happiness - you could be happier elsewhere and so could your husband.

Chippyway Perfectly put, couldn't agree more

However she ended up meeting somebody new and ended her marriage. Was it an ideal situation? No. Did she want that to happen? No. Does it make her a bad person? No!! It makes her human.

Did she end her marriage or did she have an affair? Because those are two separate scenario.

I don’t think highly of anyone that doesn’t have the decency or respect to end their current relationship before embarking on a new one.

The OP is a complete hypocrite bleating on that she was once cheated on and would never do that. Er, but you have gone and done just that haven’t you OP?

Do you feel bad for your partner or do you feel bad for yourself and your other man? I don't think that your relationship will work unless you really love your partner.

What has OM told you exactly? I’ve read both your threads and you sound very vulnerable. I can’t help but get the feeling he’s spinning you a line. Does he normally drink so much? Why are you so worried about him?

I don’t understand why you’re staying with your partner when he behaves like such a dick. You don’t need to be a martyr.