Staying together for the kids

[TopperHarley]

Please tell me it's a bad idea.

Been together 6 years, 2dc. I want out due to his history of cheating. I don't trust him and our relationship has completely broken down. We're not close, we're not affectionate, we both feel unappreciated. However we get on fine, no arguments (mostly because I've completely emotionally detached from him), no bad atmosphere in the house etc. He keeps telling me I will struggle on my own, won't be able to afford a nice house (like we have now), finances will definitely be hard. He's also not happy but thinks we should sacrifice our personal happiness in order to provide a nice environment for our kids. They both seem happy. There's no bad atmosphere in the house. My heart hurts at the thought of being in a house without my kids because they are at their dads, having to explain to them why mum and dad live in different houses etc. But I'm never going to be happy with him, I know that.

Should I stay or should I go?

Your kids will adapt to a new family situation and may even enjoy having two houses. Growing up in an environment where their parents aren't happy is far more damaging!
You deserve better than a cheating husband and your children deserve happy parents. Split up in an amicable way and agree regular visitation etc to ensure they still have their dad in their life but please end this marriage. X

Hundreds of threads on here, that ask the same question
Some people stay, some people don’t.
If you ask the children of people that stated, you’ll always get the same answer

Stayed!

Only you know what is Right for you. Many children grow up with parents who no longer live together. I did and I hated it. But it was the right thing for my parents.
When I had children I wanted them to have what I didn't. And moved heaven and earth to make that happen. Their dad didn't feel the same and left for ow. The fall out has been hard. It isn't what I wanted but we are getting on with it. And I am sure further down the line it will easier.

I was going to do that, and then one comment from him and I realised life is genuinely too short. My then 4yo dealt with it fine. We're 18 months down the line now. No it's not been easy but I'm loving my life now.

You might of detached to the point of not feeling an atmosphere but your kids won’t have. The ‘atmosphere’ will unfortunately become their norm. Are you planning on not having partners or just hiding them away? Short term, given the current status quo this could be feasible but longer term, this would be very difficult because you will be relying on someone you do not trust to stick to agreements.

Rip the plaster off now, your marriage is over and it won’t get easier in the future. Living with two people who tolerate one another is very different to living with two people who don’t love or respect each other. Your H is trying to manipulate you into maintaining the status quo where his dick gets to wander whilst benefiting from the trappings of having ‘a wife’.

Your marriage and how you conduct it, is your children’s primary relationship role model, is this the relationship you want to model for them? Do you want to spend a significant part of your life and the founding years of your children’s lives, pretending? There won’t be an Oscar waiting for you, just the realisation that you kept up a charade that robs you of the opportunity of living an authentic (but poorer) life.

If there really is no way back in your relationship and you’ve tried everything then there’s not a lot more you can do. Splitting up is horrible for kids it’s the way you handle it that will decide whether they are affected badly or not. As long as you show maturity, handle it amicably and treat each other with respect there’s no reason why they can’t be happy children that grow up to be happy adults.

Children are resilient and would much prefer happy separate parents than ones that are unhappy together. You'll enjoy the break whilst they're at their dads too. It sounds like he doesn't want you to be with anyone else so wants to manipulate you to stay whilst he cheats and does what he wants. If you don't split then you'll regret it in the future. Why deny yourself happiness?!

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here from the two of you?.

Staying for the kids rarely is a good idea. It teaches the children that your marriage was based on a lie and that a loveless marriage for them will be their norm too. Your H stays not for them although he does state otherwise but for his own selfish reasons of comfort and lifestyle. He is not considering his children at all here.

You are between you modelling them a loveless marriage. Would you want this for them as adults, no you would not. So stop showing them that this is still acceptable to you on some level because it should not be. If it is not good enough for them it is not good enough for you either. Your own relationship with your children could be affected in later years particularly if you chose to stay with him; they could well wonder of you why you did that and if you said well I stayed for you they will call you daft for doing so. They won't want to visit you and dad very often at home if at all. You have a choice re this man, they do not.

Your children are perceptive and they know that things are not great between you as their mum and their dad. They can and do pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken between you and will sense the antipathy. Sound travels too.

Goodness some of these comments have hit home for me. My scenario is not the same because it is loving and no cheating. But ...... some points you just can't dispute.

Staying you are risking resentment building up, then at the point you do split up it will be even worse for you all.
How are you going to manage it when he becomes more open with his affairs, you will feel more useless and belittled, not good for you or the children.
Slightly different but my husband wanted to stay and live in the spare room and have an open relationship! I thought about it but deffo a no from me. I can now see what a bad idea it was and that he was just trying to have his cake and eat it. That it was actually him trying to manipulate the situation so he didnt look like the bad person it in it all. It wasn't actually every about me and the children it was about his wont's.
He never actually had the balls to say this is over im out of hear, he wanted it all! I fear this is what your husband is doing to!!
You make your own normal and materialistic items are not as important as you first think. You can totally and utterly cope by yourself

Don’t stay for the children, it never works, children are adaptable and yes, I agree with PP two separate happy parents are the better option.

Don’t waste your life being unhappy OP, your children won’t thank you for it.

Good luck.

Please don’t stay for the children’s sake. My parents thought this was the best way of dealing with a dead marriage, worst thing they could have ever done to me and my siblings, it wasn’t a happy home for a long time and it still affects us all now 30 years later.

I'd you're lucky enough to be able to afford two households, then yes splitting is probably best. If its a choice between being a NRP and tolerating the here and now it's not quite as easy.

I’ve often thought about this question for the last few years.

I grew up with warring parents who have stuck together. It is still unpleasant to visit their house, the low level bickering, the simmering resentment and dislike is palpable.

I always swore I wouldn’t stay in a relationship that was unhappy.

And yet I’ve found that I have. I have seen dsd extremely messed up by dh and his ex’s split and I don’t want that for the dc. That was a particularly nasty split.

DH would not be nice, understanding or amicable if we split. It would be messy.

So I’m torn.

Thank you for your comments everyone. I'm actually in tears reading them. In my heart I know it's over. I hate the thought of having to sell our house, but if I had a choice between a lovely house or happy parents, I know which one I would choose. I suspect also some of you are right and that he's thinking more of himself and that his threats to me about struggling on my own are just another way to control me. I also agree about your relationship post-breakup being the most important thing. I'm happy that I can be mature about it, but unfortunately I think he's going to be a dick. I think he's the kind of man that would want to punish me even if his kids were affected. But I guess it's a risk that I'll have to take.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents Shirley and your parents modelled you a crap example of how a relationship should be. It is therefore not entirely surprising that you went on to be in an abusive relationship yourself as your parents also made that your norm.

Would urge you not to further make the mistakes your parents made by staying together (they stayed for their own reasons which did not include you) and continue the cycle of staying in an abusive relationship. He will make the split from you hard because he is abusive, its punishment to you for having the gall in his eyes to actually leave him, this perfect specimen. Men like this hate women, all of them and it will do your children no favours at all for you to be seen to be at all tolerating this from him. Womens Aid would be worth talking to as well, do consider calling them as well as the Rights of Women organisations. Knowledge after all is power too.

Shiraz I just cross posted with you. Yes, that's partly my concern. I don't think my partner will be nice about a split. In fact, he's basically already inferred that he would punish me for it.

Read my comments re this point of being nasty. Abusive men do further punish their chosen targets for leaving them and make all aspects of separating from them as long, difficult and protracted as possible.

I agree, Attila- he will be abusive about the split, but that shouldn’t deter OP from leaving. She just needs good support from a shit hot lawyer, women’s aid organisations and her friends, to help her deal with him! Go for it, OP - you have your happiness to gain, and only half a miserable house and toxic relationship to lose.

My parents stayed together, although it wasn't for my sake I'm sure. They're still together, they've been together almost 40 years. They have a very dysfunctional and unhappy relationship. They'll never split up, although from the age of 10 or so I wished they would.

As an adult I get on with my parents, but there's a terrible atmosphere in their house! Honestly I've lost some respect for them because neither of them had the balls to end their relationship. Of course it impacted on my childhood, which I regret but I have come to terms with. I've also made it VERY clear I'm not prepared to hear the moaning about their relationship and I will NOT take sides.

I still find myself in my thirties sticking my fingers in my ears and singing lalalala don't want to hear it when my mother starts moaning about dad! It's 99% her that's the one who moans and bitches sadly.

I know it's a hard decision OP, but please don't stay together just for your children, they are very unlikely to thank you for it.

I have tried it twice before.

Though each time felt like a huge weight being lifted at first, I still ended up asking for him to come home. I’m scared to try and fail again.

Each time it was the thought of handing dd and ds for contact overnight that made my blood run cold.

I know he’d demand it, I also know they are both autistic and I have done the bedtime routine and caring for all their lives.

Sorry op, didn’t mean to hijack.

I admire your strength. I think you are right, in the end we can only control what we do, we can’t control their behaviour. Either during/after a split or if we stay with them.

My parents stayed together because it suited them. It didn’t suit me. No abuse or animosity but just modelled a poor relationship as what to aim for.

As an adult I didn’t know what a good relationship looked like and accepted far more crap and tried to please far more than I should of. One relationship in particular has damaged me despite now being with the most amazing man for 24 years who adores and cherishes me as much as I do him.

I’d never recommend staying for the sake of the children.

My parents stayed together when they shouldn't have. They thought it was great, kids all living in a 'happy' family unit except kids know when mum and dad don't like each other. Tbh their dysfunctional relationship caused me a lot of problems as an adult, I wish they'd divorced but I know that's easy to say.