After divorce - is it normal to feel like a recluse and not even care

[recluse]

Long and traumatic divorce. Ex moved out in April after months of living in the same house. He started seeing someone new last autumn, two seconds after it became clear we would not be together any more, and I had to endure weeks and weeks of his being on the phone to this person very late at night and for ages, also having showers getting ready to go out .

There is still some stuff to sort and ex is not settled properly yet, so comes here too often to see the dc.

Still things are a lot calmer than during the divorce, and now I can feel the emotional devastation setting in. And the loneliness. The thought of being with someone else is bad however - and the fact that ex was able to do it so quickly makes me think he really did not give a shit.

There was a work meal and I was sitting opposite someone that I had got vaguely interested vibes from - or something like that. I spent the entire dinner wishing I was sitting somewhere else, and wishing my ex-husband was sitting opposite me instead (but he’s been shagging someone else for months). But I divorced him because of aspects of his behaviour towards me which had become intolerable. Still I miss him, and the thought of being with someone else kind of fills me with revulsion. Is this normal?

And not only that, I just don’t give a shit about a lot of things that I used to care about. It’s as if I have run the gauntlet of an acrimonious divorce, and now I am hardened to everything and everyone. I feel intolerant and as if I am becoming a recluse.
Is this normal?

I have my dc and am trying to sort things out at home, but at the moment everything feels pretty chaotic, and that’s all I can cope with.

I remember conversations I used to have with other parents when my dc were younger, and just think that we used to talk about a lot of inane rubbish .

I heard the people next door practising (they are in a band) and am amazed that they can be bothered. What is the matter with me?

[misscph1973]

crumpets, I sometimes think that habit is our worst enemy. It's habit that makes us repeat the same mistake over and over again. People are so much more comfortable with what they know. But habit and happiness doesn't always rhyme.

I think start with little things. Soon change will feel less scary. And write it down. The power of putting thought to paper is not to be under estimated. Perhaps write down some small things every night, like what you want to change, and the night after what you did to change it. And then keep writing it down to support the change in habit.

I completely changed my perspective by writing down 3 things I was grateful for every night. I went from seeing ugly, fat people on the school run to noticing someone's nice T-shirt or a pretty smile. I changed from not noticing the good to seeing it everywhere. I went from "I can't cope" to thinking "this is so much better than nothing". And this was while I was still in my unhappy marriage!

[Dmue]

Totally understand where you're coming from. My ex did the same thing we separated and that evening he was on a dating site and was on a date the next day. We have since settled the anger between us and I was able to ask him what was the deal, his reply he wanted to make me angry jealous, he didn't care, the girl was not significant but it filled a void because he didn't want to go home and sit by himself. That was it in a nutshell, none of his relationships have lasted very long because and I'm guessing your ex feels exactly like you do but they're willing to use somebody else to not go through the stages of grief they're avoiding all of it.

[TwentyTwentyOne]

I am not divorced (yet, as DH and I do have problems) but have had some very serious ups and downs in my life.

I would look on your divorce and the way you feel right now as something being similar to being in a very serious car crash. If you had been, you would be taking time to rest, just be, not have too many expectations of your emotional and physical ability and then start with small steps to rehabilitation. I think you should approach this like a major trauma.

A few years ago when I was really low, I made a plan in that every day I had to do something nice for me e.g. yoga, face pack, favourite movie, treat, massage, nails done. I didn't feel like it a lot of the time but the positive effects became accumulative and in the end I healed and was stronger just by nurturing myself.

Good luck OP, lots of love.

[ravenmum]

This thread is from 2018.

[YoniAndGuy]

@recluse

Thank you.

And to everyone else.

Why are some people able to just transfer themselves to a new relationship so quickly - like ex did? As if he just needed someone - didn’t matter who it was.

Because he's thick, shallow, and self-absorbed... presumably all or some of that is exactly why you divorced him?

Normal people take time to recover from a traumatic experience and tend to feel as you have.

Arrogant self-centred thickos also take time to recover from a traumatic experience, but aren't capable of intelligent assessment of this, or self-reflection, and so jump into the very first 'relationship' which comes along to pretend/prove to themselves that all is fine. It won't be.

You'll be fine. He won't be as he'll presumably stay his old self.

[TwentyTwentyOne]

Oh, bloody hell.
The OP is probably long happy and got some buff 30 year old bloke who totally adores her and her ex is miserable in a one bed flat.

[recluse]

I wish 😊😊.

I saw this pop up yesterday and just changed my username back to recluse to post.

I haven’t been in any relationship since this thread, but I don’t think the person my ex was with lasted very long as there has been no mention (by my kids, ex and I do not speak) of any partner since, and he seems to live quite a solitary existence.

Not sure I will be in any relationship again which makes me sad. My marriage massively fucked me up and my levels of shame and shyness are high, plus I am going to be 52 tomorrow , so it might be harder to meet someone...

I am continually very happy that I divorced my ex however.

[recluse]

(Well thinking about it 30 would be too young and a bit weird maybe, mid 40s onwards not so much ).

[Tiramisuzie]

Well done OP. Glad to see you have come out the other side.
Perhaps dip your toe in 2021?
I know lot of 50+ women who have a string of boyfriends,

[ravenmum]

Gosh, I'm 51 and if I broke up with my bf now I wouldn't be planning another 30, 40 or 50 years without any more relationships

[recluse]

Thank you @Tiramisuzie .

I dipped my toe a bit in January of last year and went on some (completely platonic) dates with someone who then lost interest (I met him online), and after that the pandemic happened. I thought OLD was really depressing generally however.

It’s not that I want to be alone forever more @ravenmum, it just feels, based on what I am like and my past history, that that is what is going to happen...

Anyway you never know..