After divorce - is it normal to feel like a recluse and not even care

[recluse]

Long and traumatic divorce. Ex moved out in April after months of living in the same house. He started seeing someone new last autumn, two seconds after it became clear we would not be together any more, and I had to endure weeks and weeks of his being on the phone to this person very late at night and for ages, also having showers getting ready to go out .

There is still some stuff to sort and ex is not settled properly yet, so comes here too often to see the dc.

Still things are a lot calmer than during the divorce, and now I can feel the emotional devastation setting in. And the loneliness. The thought of being with someone else is bad however - and the fact that ex was able to do it so quickly makes me think he really did not give a shit.

There was a work meal and I was sitting opposite someone that I had got vaguely interested vibes from - or something like that. I spent the entire dinner wishing I was sitting somewhere else, and wishing my ex-husband was sitting opposite me instead (but he’s been shagging someone else for months). But I divorced him because of aspects of his behaviour towards me which had become intolerable. Still I miss him, and the thought of being with someone else kind of fills me with revulsion. Is this normal?

And not only that, I just don’t give a shit about a lot of things that I used to care about. It’s as if I have run the gauntlet of an acrimonious divorce, and now I am hardened to everything and everyone. I feel intolerant and as if I am becoming a recluse.
Is this normal?

I have my dc and am trying to sort things out at home, but at the moment everything feels pretty chaotic, and that’s all I can cope with.

I remember conversations I used to have with other parents when my dc were younger, and just think that we used to talk about a lot of inane rubbish .

I heard the people next door practising (they are in a band) and am amazed that they can be bothered. What is the matter with me?

[recluse]

I am sorry Eesha, that sounds hard.

In my case though, ex had lost all interest in me for a long time, and was also very critical. Maybe he now thinks he has found nirvana.

He answered the phone to her once when I was in the room, and the loved up look on his face was akin to his having been visited by the angels. Normally he made the calls to her when I was somewhere else in the house, but I still heard the hour long extremely late gentle and kind rumbling of his voice, and knew what was happening - if I went into the living room (he thought I was in bed but I sometimes decided no, fuck it, I am getting up ) the conversations would instantly stop - which must have been prearranged with the other person.

At other times I was so upset and angry I left the house for midnight walks. Or came downstairs and started cleaning the kitchen while he was on the sofa (where he had been talking to her on the phone).

We were completely estranged but living in the same house. He was being really horrible about the divorce and was on several occasions very verbally abusive - my solicitor wrote to him about it in the end. I used to think that I bet this new person has no idea what an utter bastard you can be.

I think he behaved callously. He gave no shits that he was carrying on this new relationship while still in the house - it was kind of saying to me that since I had instigated the divorce, that gave him licence to instantly, obviously and insensitively move on.

However I was obliged to instigate the divorce, and largely due to his behaviour towards me. He thought he could stop it first by ignoring me and it completely and being rudely dismissive, and then when that didn’t work by being nice for two seconds, but also manipulative. When that didn’t work either, he was with this new person literally from one day to the next, and reverted to being completely horrible to me.

But I guess I have to accept that she might be a nicer person than I am, or better suited to ex. On the other hand, I have spent so many years trying to deal with ex’s emotional abuse that I don’t even know how nice and kind I could be, because I have been firefighting for so long and defending myself. In the end I had to disengage completely, so it is as if I am like ex and using the silent treatment as a weapon. I wasn’t doing that, I was trying to disengage and put an end to an untenable relationship.

So he must think I am a bitch, but all I have done really is stand up to him and say that a lot of his behaviour (verbal abuse, manipulation, short temper, silent treatments, financial abuse - all big financial decisions were his, the family home could not have my name on it as well as his, he had bought secret property...) was unacceptable.

So I have set massively new boundaries, and I now have control over my life, don’t have to walk on eggshells, and my name is on the property I live in. After years of not being to lay down any terms, the terms (of my life, the settlement was fair to him as well as to me) are all mine.

He now hates my guts however.

Apologies for the essay!

[recluse]

He definitely thinks I am a bitch - he yelled that and other horrible things at me several times during the divorce - in front of one of the dc.

[recluse]

“Did the bitches who advised me also sit on their fat arses doing nothing” - that was only one of a plethora of things he said, but for some reason it hurt the most.

[BloodyDisgrace]

I wouldn't say it's abnormal, actually what you are experiencing is a natural reaction to a huge and traumatic change in your life. I had the same after my marriage ended. I don't have children though. But I used to be very apprehensive about seeing friends in case I start crying in a public place and if they get fed up with me being so broken, so I loved cancelling going out. I did stay at home a lot, crying, drinking, smoking and listening to loud music. You sound like you are coping much better and looking after your child.

It WILL get better and one day you'd feel relief you are no longer with your ex. Meanwhile just be gentle to yourself and give yourself some time.

[BloodyDisgrace]

Another thing: it clearly isn't helping that he is still living in your house. I guess he doesn't just bugger off because it is you who started the divorce procedure. One needs 2 years of separation for a divorce, so it's best he sods off to his new love as soon as possible, and doesn't delay the process. If you are feeling a bit stronger, maybe talk to your solicitor about potential problems and how to protect yourself, what to be aware of.
(My divorce was after 2 years of separation, no nastiness, no solicitors, but my ex left, and he left our flat too and wasn't living with me after he ended the marriage).
Everyone feels the same as you do when they are in such a situation, I've read a lot of posts like yours here, but we all cope slightly differently. I also upped the dose of antidepressants I've been taking all my adult life, and got a kitten. It took me 1.5years to recover, and feel relief instead of pain. You'll get there too.

[recluse]

Thanks a lot bloodydisgrace for your kind words.

Apologies, everything I have been saying is a bit garbled - ex has now moved out but we were living in the same house for about 9 to be 10 months while the divorce was happening. I don’t know if he is still with the same person as luckily I no longer have to listen to his interminable phone conversations, but I assume that he is.

I think that in ex’s head, everything is and always has been just about him.

Your kitten sounds lovely. It’s hard to imagine feeling differently - I just think this feeling of shame, at having hurt ex and having to have been cold and determined to get through this, is going to be with me forever.

Also the embarrassment at having leaned on so many people - family members and my solicitor mainly - during the divorce. So that they now know a lot more about the weird inner workings of my mind than I now feel comfortable with (having passed the most traumatic stage when I was in deep emotional pain and too open about it!). I just feel embarrassed. And ex’s family, whom I am no longer in contact with, must think I am the bitch from hell - yet I have known them for more than 20 years.

Ex, of course, thinks I was just after “his” money.

It’s all uncomfortable!

[fuzzywuzzy]

When I got divorced I chose to remain single for seven years. Wasn’t a conscious decision it’s how long it took me to get to a place where I was ready to let someone else in.

I had no inclination of ever being with anyone ever again.

My marriage had been abusive in every way and I could not face the thought of ever being in such a vulnerable position ever again.

At first I just concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other and getting thro the days. Then slowly I got back in touch with old friends and then I joined a self defence class.
Then at work some colleagues decided to try the gym at lunch time and (we got free two week taster), and just sort of bundled me along. And before I knew it I was looking forward to each day.

I also consciously spent time being with my dc and doing fun things together and making memories (I know MN hates that phrase), my dc had terrible memories and I want them to look back and remember really happy times.

Ex also moved on super fast, he tried to stop the divorce process but moved OW in. It really hurt because I think I was upset that he the perpetrator and abuser got away Scott free and left me facing the consequences of his actions and dealing with the fall out of his abuse.

I also mourned the life I didn’t have but had wanted if that makes sense.

I have now been in a relationship with DP for several years we have a toddler and another on the way, older dc have been swept up into DP’s large family who treat them like their own.

When dp first showed interest I tried to put him off, but he was not bothered and used to go out of is way to help me out (still does) & eventually persuaded me to take a chance with him. All my friends were a hundred percent behind me giving it a go too. So in the end I did. I’m so glad I did.

I don’t give ex much thought now altho he did spend a lot of energy following me around and spying on my house before we moved (he’d sit in his car outside our house at night!).

I am glad I took time to heal and re-discover myself and spend time with DC before I met DP.

There’s no reason to feel like you need to jump into a new relationship. Take time to heal and mourn your relationship/the relationship you didn’t have. And make time for yourself, do things that make you happy. I bought books and toys for the dc lots of them as ex wouldn’t let me either read or buy toys for dc. I once won a Sylvanian family Manor House on MN (first time I ever won anything), dc we’re enchanted by it. Ex smashed it to pieces during an argument.... which sums him up.

I hope you live a life filled with love and happiness and fulfilment.

[MargoLovebutter]

I felt the same during and after my divorce. I felt like life was just an exhausting slog and it was hard to maintain any interest. The DC were tiny tots so I was forced into a routine and some kind of normal life because of them & I had a job too - but it was not a good time.

It will get better. You have to grieve for the loss of your marriage and your dream of a life together. This takes time - there is simply no way around it. However, the important thing to remember is that that horrible flat feeling will lift when you are ready for it to.

Big hug to you.

[recluse]

I hope you live a life filled with love and happiness and fulfilment.

Thank you so much fuzzywuzzy. I am so sorry about what you went through, I can’t believe your ex destroyed the Sylvanian Manor House .

Big hug to you.

Thank you Margo.

I just cannot imagine ever not feeling attached to my ex . And I do feel as if someone else is with my husband .

I had to talk to him briefly today on the phone (a rare occurrence), and his voice sounded so familiar I could have cried with relief.

How could any of this even have happened? It feels like a horrible travesty.

[misscph1973]

I'm so sorry for you, recluse, it's so many mixed emotions, isn't it? I know exactly what you mean when you mention your response to his voice. But it's just habit, and a habit you have been in for years.

I have been subscribing to a daily positive, constructive newsletter, designed for people who are going through a life crisis like a divorce. It has really made a difference. Also I spent a few weeks writing down 3 things I was grateful for every evening. I realised it had changed my mindset when I didn't see as many fat, ugly people on the school run as I used to ;) It really is about your perspective, and you can change it with positive thinking, exercise and healthy food. It's just thoughts!

I do still have my moments where I miss him. But I try not to dwell on them, I remind myself of the bad times and how I am never going to be in that place again, as I have removed myself from it. I remind myself that I also missed him when we were together as he hadn't shown affection or interest for years.

[NewtoOLD]

It is perfectly normal to feel like this - "numb" is how I describe it . You just feel as if you have no emotion left . You have had a really hard time ! Over a period of time I realised that I was beginning to smile again at eg something on the TV . I would feel my lip curl. Then it was an actual full out laugh . This took a long time with me though - a couple of years if I am honest . You are very early doors here . If you can do some therapy then I would suggest it . I was the person who didnt do any /didnt see the point and have done some recently and it has been useful . I have realised that I am still inside there and the actual talking - the voicing out loud - is just helpful. Its different from being with friends and they ask awkward questions . My main message to you - this is normal, you are normal . I also get the loneliness thing . I feel as if I have a lot to give and have dabbled in on line dating ( hence the name ) . I've been lucky in that I didn't meet any horrors and am seeing a nice man now. Im not saying that a MAN is the answer btW!!! You will eventually relegate your ex to a place in your mind where you don't think of him very often . Time really does help . You will get there .

[recluse]

Thank you so much @misscph1973 and @NewtoOLD for your messages.

It’s exactly the same for me, for years I was lonely in my marriage and longed for missing affection and kindness, so this has just made it official in a way. And has meant I no longer feel as if I am in a sham of a marriage.

It really doesn’t help that ex is in the house for quite a long time sometimes - he came to pick the dc up yesterday but they took AGES to be ready, so he was here for almost two hours. We do not talk to each other at all, so it feels awful. I feel like a hated pariah of some kind.

[misscph1973]

I think you really need to work on limiting the time that your ex spends in your house as it is so upsetting for you. Is this regular? Why are your DC not ready when he collects them?

You could drop them off at his instead (don't take them to his front door, just stay in the car and make sure they go in). Or work really hard on making sure they are ready, so that you can just bring them to the door when he rings the doorbell.

I do wonder if he enjoys hanging around your house as he must know how uncomfortable this is for you. Don't give him the chance!

Or maybe unconsciously you are not making DC ready, so that he will stay? Because a part of you miss him?

2 hours sounds completely out of proportion. If my DC are not ready when I collect them from my ex, it adds 30 min, not 2 hours.

I think that it is so important to avoid situations that you know are upsetting. It will only make it worse and slow down your recovery. Take your focus away from that which brings you down, and shift it to that which brings you joy.

[recluse]

I think he hangs around (sometimes) because it was the family home for many years, and he is very attached to it. A lot of his stuff is still here, and I think he probably still views it as his house to an extent.

I think he had assumed that the dc would be ready, but they weren’t - they are all at secondary school and lazy! I didn’t know what time they had arranged with him, but next time I will keep an eye on it.

And yes it isn’t helping me move on at all - especially as there is the added unpleasantness of the fact that we don’t speak. I am hoping that as time passes, the boundaries will become stronger - also because he definitely doesn’t give a shit about me, and on that basis he can not give a shit about me somewhere else, and not in my home where I have to witness it!

[recluse]

Take your focus away from that which brings you down, and shift it to that which brings you joy.

Thanks . I will definitely try.

[misscph1973]

You still have his stuff in your house? That can't be good for you. Could he collect it or you could put it in your loft/garage/out of sight? Have you made any changes in the house at all since he moved? I rearranged a lot of the furniture and bought a few new bits to make it mine, and it really helped.

I see what you mean if DC are secondary age - you can't really do it for them. Perhaps you could have a talk with them about being ready? Be honest (but on a need to know basis only) and tell them it would really help you if your ex didn't have to hang around so much.

Yes, boundaries will become stronger with time - but only if you actively improve them. It doesn't look like anyone else is going to do it for you. So put in the work, for your own sake, think of it as self-care.

I am not much better than you though, but in a different way. I still ring up ex for something practical and we end up chatting. But I know that I need to stop it, because although I like to think that we are friends now, it is still a way of preserving the attachment to each other. This week and next week he is on holiday with DC, and it's great, because I don't talk to or see ex, and that is so healthy for me (DC do ring/message me to say hi daily, but I hardly speak to ex as there is no need/excuse). So hopefully when they are back, we won't revert to speaking daily!

[saltandvinegarcrisps1]

OP there lots of you're posts I could have written myself. I am very recently separated and feel my life is now just about killing time. I drive home the long way on purpose to get back that bit later. Can't imagine ever being with another man and Can not stomach the thought of DH with another woman. My situation is similar in that I too did not get kindness, affection or attention from my DH yet I was madly in love with him. Our sex life was amazing even right at the end - although he could never kiss/cuddle just for the sake of it.

Where I am different though is that sadly I turned to alcohol in my lonliness so he has left me due to my drinking. I can see that I was abusive to him over the last few years and it has withered what love he did have for me. I've not drank for 3 weeks since we split and strangely have not craved it. one of the things I noticed during my soul searching was that I was drinking in secret just to get through a night in the house of just me and him yet I idolised him.

I thought we would grow old together and I am grieving for a future I will no longer have - but at the same time it was a fake future as he could never show me the kind of love I needed - e.g. he would do the housework, shopping etc but wouldn't even kiss me goodbye, play my favourite tune, take me to a restaurant I liked etc. So my head tells me we are better apart yet my heart just wants him to come home. It's so hard.

[misscph1973]

salt, I am so sorry for you, it must have been so hard. Well done for not drinking for 3 weeks, I'm sure that's a big step towards moving on.

In this thread it seems that most posters were in relationships where they were not having their needs met. I think that is very important to recognise that you weren't happy in the relationship. Wouldn't it be so much worse if you were still in the relationship? It's going in the right direction!

You are physically not with your ex anymore. But emotionally? Work hard on aligning the emotional distance with the physical.

[TheLastNigel]

In my case following a fairly drawn out break Up and some pretty horrible circumstances involving a woman who I had thought to be my friend but who had in fact been seeing my ex h for a year and a half behind my back, I was poleaxed tbh. And now two and half years later I'm a bit better but still have some pretty awful days- farther between them as time goes on.
Things I found that helped:
getting a dog. The best thing ever for making you get up, get out and get on and for unconditional companionship.
Moving house-away from all the memories.
Counselling
Anti depressants
Learning to stop reacting to exh as I did when we were married-ie not appeasing him immediately, allowing myself to have an opinion etc etc-breaking the marriage dynamic if you will.
Good luck op.

[misscph1973]

Nigel, sounds tough.

I also got a dog, not intentionally, it was a coincidental rescue, but I am so glad I did that I am considering getting a second dog ;) It's just good on all levels - I get outside, meet other dog owners and I get furry cuddles!

I think your last point might be the most important, though. Even if you split up, it will be hard to never inter act with ex. So un-doing patterns and learning healthier behavior is so important - otherwise there is a high risk of ending up with the same problems in a future relationship!

[ilovecrumpets]

Hi OP

I just wanted to add to all those saying much of what you are saying resonates with me. My ex left and immediately moved in with OW he had been having an affair with, and also immediately spent all the time with my two young DC with her. So completely replaced me after 18 years. He had also been distant and cruel for years so in a weird way it sometimes doesn’t feel that different. And he hangs round the house and chats to me as if we are friends.

I’ve been putting off moving forward with the separation as I will have to sell our house and won’t be able to afford anything near as big or nice and I will have to move out of the area. but really I think it because I’m scared and haven’t done what the LastNigel said of forming a new relationship with him. Life just feels like something to get through and sometimes just too hard. I look ahead and it seems like a long, hard road that is quite lonely too. I guess we just have to keep on going

[misscph1973]

crumpets, that's a good way of saying it, forming a new relationship with ex. I think that is the key, because if you don't, it's like you are still in the relationship. My counsellor kept saying that to me, be careful you are not still married, just not living in the same house anymore. And I think it's the best advice/warning I have been given.

Be careful that you don't just carry on down that same long, hard road. To stay in the metaphor, it's easier to keep going down the same road you know, even it's a difficult road that leads to nowhere. You don't have to keep on going down that road, you can choose another road!

[TheLastNigel]

It's I worst I've you do choose another road! Otherwise it's just such a waste...I know it's bloody hard...but you don't owe him the rest of your life-you do owe it to yourself to try though..

[misscph1973]

And think of this: The main person suffering if you keep doing the same is you. Your ex doesn't suffer. Recovering and moving on is not only the best you can do, it will also show your ex!

[ilovecrumpets]

misscph1973 and TheLastNigel - you are both so right and sometimes I get a glance of what could be and it seems possible! I guess as humans we generally cling to the familiar and enforced change is scary and hard plus it almost seems overwhelming to change a whole life path. I do know at some level it needs to be done. A life in limbo is only a half life.

OP I hope you are feeling a bit more hopeful today and sorry I didn’t mean to jump into your thread