After divorce - is it normal to feel like a recluse and not even care

[recluse]

Long and traumatic divorce. Ex moved out in April after months of living in the same house. He started seeing someone new last autumn, two seconds after it became clear we would not be together any more, and I had to endure weeks and weeks of his being on the phone to this person very late at night and for ages, also having showers getting ready to go out .

There is still some stuff to sort and ex is not settled properly yet, so comes here too often to see the dc.

Still things are a lot calmer than during the divorce, and now I can feel the emotional devastation setting in. And the loneliness. The thought of being with someone else is bad however - and the fact that ex was able to do it so quickly makes me think he really did not give a shit.

There was a work meal and I was sitting opposite someone that I had got vaguely interested vibes from - or something like that. I spent the entire dinner wishing I was sitting somewhere else, and wishing my ex-husband was sitting opposite me instead (but he’s been shagging someone else for months). But I divorced him because of aspects of his behaviour towards me which had become intolerable. Still I miss him, and the thought of being with someone else kind of fills me with revulsion. Is this normal?

And not only that, I just don’t give a shit about a lot of things that I used to care about. It’s as if I have run the gauntlet of an acrimonious divorce, and now I am hardened to everything and everyone. I feel intolerant and as if I am becoming a recluse.
Is this normal?

I have my dc and am trying to sort things out at home, but at the moment everything feels pretty chaotic, and that’s all I can cope with.

I remember conversations I used to have with other parents when my dc were younger, and just think that we used to talk about a lot of inane rubbish .

I heard the people next door practising (they are in a band) and am amazed that they can be bothered. What is the matter with me?

[recluse]

Thank you @Tiramisuzie .

I dipped my toe a bit in January of last year and went on some (completely platonic) dates with someone who then lost interest (I met him online), and after that the pandemic happened. I thought OLD was really depressing generally however.

It’s not that I want to be alone forever more @ravenmum, it just feels, based on what I am like and my past history, that that is what is going to happen...

Anyway you never know..

[ravenmum]

Gosh, I'm 51 and if I broke up with my bf now I wouldn't be planning another 30, 40 or 50 years without any more relationships

[Tiramisuzie]

Well done OP. Glad to see you have come out the other side.
Perhaps dip your toe in 2021?
I know lot of 50+ women who have a string of boyfriends,

[recluse]

(Well thinking about it 30 would be too young and a bit weird maybe, mid 40s onwards not so much ).

[recluse]

I wish 😊😊.

I saw this pop up yesterday and just changed my username back to recluse to post.

I haven’t been in any relationship since this thread, but I don’t think the person my ex was with lasted very long as there has been no mention (by my kids, ex and I do not speak) of any partner since, and he seems to live quite a solitary existence.

Not sure I will be in any relationship again which makes me sad. My marriage massively fucked me up and my levels of shame and shyness are high, plus I am going to be 52 tomorrow , so it might be harder to meet someone...

I am continually very happy that I divorced my ex however.

[TwentyTwentyOne]

Oh, bloody hell.
The OP is probably long happy and got some buff 30 year old bloke who totally adores her and her ex is miserable in a one bed flat.

[YoniAndGuy]

@recluse

Thank you.

And to everyone else.

Why are some people able to just transfer themselves to a new relationship so quickly - like ex did? As if he just needed someone - didn’t matter who it was.

Because he's thick, shallow, and self-absorbed... presumably all or some of that is exactly why you divorced him?

Normal people take time to recover from a traumatic experience and tend to feel as you have.

Arrogant self-centred thickos also take time to recover from a traumatic experience, but aren't capable of intelligent assessment of this, or self-reflection, and so jump into the very first 'relationship' which comes along to pretend/prove to themselves that all is fine. It won't be.

You'll be fine. He won't be as he'll presumably stay his old self.

[ravenmum]

This thread is from 2018.

[TwentyTwentyOne]

I am not divorced (yet, as DH and I do have problems) but have had some very serious ups and downs in my life.

I would look on your divorce and the way you feel right now as something being similar to being in a very serious car crash. If you had been, you would be taking time to rest, just be, not have too many expectations of your emotional and physical ability and then start with small steps to rehabilitation. I think you should approach this like a major trauma.

A few years ago when I was really low, I made a plan in that every day I had to do something nice for me e.g. yoga, face pack, favourite movie, treat, massage, nails done. I didn't feel like it a lot of the time but the positive effects became accumulative and in the end I healed and was stronger just by nurturing myself.

Good luck OP, lots of love.

[Dmue]

Totally understand where you're coming from. My ex did the same thing we separated and that evening he was on a dating site and was on a date the next day. We have since settled the anger between us and I was able to ask him what was the deal, his reply he wanted to make me angry jealous, he didn't care, the girl was not significant but it filled a void because he didn't want to go home and sit by himself. That was it in a nutshell, none of his relationships have lasted very long because and I'm guessing your ex feels exactly like you do but they're willing to use somebody else to not go through the stages of grief they're avoiding all of it.

[misscph1973]

crumpets, I sometimes think that habit is our worst enemy. It's habit that makes us repeat the same mistake over and over again. People are so much more comfortable with what they know. But habit and happiness doesn't always rhyme.

I think start with little things. Soon change will feel less scary. And write it down. The power of putting thought to paper is not to be under estimated. Perhaps write down some small things every night, like what you want to change, and the night after what you did to change it. And then keep writing it down to support the change in habit.

I completely changed my perspective by writing down 3 things I was grateful for every night. I went from seeing ugly, fat people on the school run to noticing someone's nice T-shirt or a pretty smile. I changed from not noticing the good to seeing it everywhere. I went from "I can't cope" to thinking "this is so much better than nothing". And this was while I was still in my unhappy marriage!

[ilovecrumpets]

misscph1973 and TheLastNigel - you are both so right and sometimes I get a glance of what could be and it seems possible! I guess as humans we generally cling to the familiar and enforced change is scary and hard plus it almost seems overwhelming to change a whole life path. I do know at some level it needs to be done. A life in limbo is only a half life.

OP I hope you are feeling a bit more hopeful today and sorry I didn’t mean to jump into your thread

[misscph1973]

And think of this: The main person suffering if you keep doing the same is you. Your ex doesn't suffer. Recovering and moving on is not only the best you can do, it will also show your ex!

[TheLastNigel]

It's I worst I've you do choose another road! Otherwise it's just such a waste...I know it's bloody hard...but you don't owe him the rest of your life-you do owe it to yourself to try though..

[misscph1973]

crumpets, that's a good way of saying it, forming a new relationship with ex. I think that is the key, because if you don't, it's like you are still in the relationship. My counsellor kept saying that to me, be careful you are not still married, just not living in the same house anymore. And I think it's the best advice/warning I have been given.

Be careful that you don't just carry on down that same long, hard road. To stay in the metaphor, it's easier to keep going down the same road you know, even it's a difficult road that leads to nowhere. You don't have to keep on going down that road, you can choose another road!

[ilovecrumpets]

Hi OP

I just wanted to add to all those saying much of what you are saying resonates with me. My ex left and immediately moved in with OW he had been having an affair with, and also immediately spent all the time with my two young DC with her. So completely replaced me after 18 years. He had also been distant and cruel for years so in a weird way it sometimes doesn’t feel that different. And he hangs round the house and chats to me as if we are friends.

I’ve been putting off moving forward with the separation as I will have to sell our house and won’t be able to afford anything near as big or nice and I will have to move out of the area. but really I think it because I’m scared and haven’t done what the LastNigel said of forming a new relationship with him. Life just feels like something to get through and sometimes just too hard. I look ahead and it seems like a long, hard road that is quite lonely too. I guess we just have to keep on going

[misscph1973]

Nigel, sounds tough.

I also got a dog, not intentionally, it was a coincidental rescue, but I am so glad I did that I am considering getting a second dog ;) It's just good on all levels - I get outside, meet other dog owners and I get furry cuddles!

I think your last point might be the most important, though. Even if you split up, it will be hard to never inter act with ex. So un-doing patterns and learning healthier behavior is so important - otherwise there is a high risk of ending up with the same problems in a future relationship!

[TheLastNigel]

In my case following a fairly drawn out break Up and some pretty horrible circumstances involving a woman who I had thought to be my friend but who had in fact been seeing my ex h for a year and a half behind my back, I was poleaxed tbh. And now two and half years later I'm a bit better but still have some pretty awful days- farther between them as time goes on.
Things I found that helped:
getting a dog. The best thing ever for making you get up, get out and get on and for unconditional companionship.
Moving house-away from all the memories.
Counselling
Anti depressants
Learning to stop reacting to exh as I did when we were married-ie not appeasing him immediately, allowing myself to have an opinion etc etc-breaking the marriage dynamic if you will.
Good luck op.

[misscph1973]

salt, I am so sorry for you, it must have been so hard. Well done for not drinking for 3 weeks, I'm sure that's a big step towards moving on.

In this thread it seems that most posters were in relationships where they were not having their needs met. I think that is very important to recognise that you weren't happy in the relationship. Wouldn't it be so much worse if you were still in the relationship? It's going in the right direction!

You are physically not with your ex anymore. But emotionally? Work hard on aligning the emotional distance with the physical.

[saltandvinegarcrisps1]

OP there lots of you're posts I could have written myself. I am very recently separated and feel my life is now just about killing time. I drive home the long way on purpose to get back that bit later. Can't imagine ever being with another man and Can not stomach the thought of DH with another woman. My situation is similar in that I too did not get kindness, affection or attention from my DH yet I was madly in love with him. Our sex life was amazing even right at the end - although he could never kiss/cuddle just for the sake of it.

Where I am different though is that sadly I turned to alcohol in my lonliness so he has left me due to my drinking. I can see that I was abusive to him over the last few years and it has withered what love he did have for me. I've not drank for 3 weeks since we split and strangely have not craved it. one of the things I noticed during my soul searching was that I was drinking in secret just to get through a night in the house of just me and him yet I idolised him.

I thought we would grow old together and I am grieving for a future I will no longer have - but at the same time it was a fake future as he could never show me the kind of love I needed - e.g. he would do the housework, shopping etc but wouldn't even kiss me goodbye, play my favourite tune, take me to a restaurant I liked etc. So my head tells me we are better apart yet my heart just wants him to come home. It's so hard.

[misscph1973]

You still have his stuff in your house? That can't be good for you. Could he collect it or you could put it in your loft/garage/out of sight? Have you made any changes in the house at all since he moved? I rearranged a lot of the furniture and bought a few new bits to make it mine, and it really helped.

I see what you mean if DC are secondary age - you can't really do it for them. Perhaps you could have a talk with them about being ready? Be honest (but on a need to know basis only) and tell them it would really help you if your ex didn't have to hang around so much.

Yes, boundaries will become stronger with time - but only if you actively improve them. It doesn't look like anyone else is going to do it for you. So put in the work, for your own sake, think of it as self-care.

I am not much better than you though, but in a different way. I still ring up ex for something practical and we end up chatting. But I know that I need to stop it, because although I like to think that we are friends now, it is still a way of preserving the attachment to each other. This week and next week he is on holiday with DC, and it's great, because I don't talk to or see ex, and that is so healthy for me (DC do ring/message me to say hi daily, but I hardly speak to ex as there is no need/excuse). So hopefully when they are back, we won't revert to speaking daily!

[recluse]

Take your focus away from that which brings you down, and shift it to that which brings you joy.

Thanks . I will definitely try.

[recluse]

I think he hangs around (sometimes) because it was the family home for many years, and he is very attached to it. A lot of his stuff is still here, and I think he probably still views it as his house to an extent.

I think he had assumed that the dc would be ready, but they weren’t - they are all at secondary school and lazy! I didn’t know what time they had arranged with him, but next time I will keep an eye on it.

And yes it isn’t helping me move on at all - especially as there is the added unpleasantness of the fact that we don’t speak. I am hoping that as time passes, the boundaries will become stronger - also because he definitely doesn’t give a shit about me, and on that basis he can not give a shit about me somewhere else, and not in my home where I have to witness it!

[misscph1973]

I think you really need to work on limiting the time that your ex spends in your house as it is so upsetting for you. Is this regular? Why are your DC not ready when he collects them?

You could drop them off at his instead (don't take them to his front door, just stay in the car and make sure they go in). Or work really hard on making sure they are ready, so that you can just bring them to the door when he rings the doorbell.

I do wonder if he enjoys hanging around your house as he must know how uncomfortable this is for you. Don't give him the chance!

Or maybe unconsciously you are not making DC ready, so that he will stay? Because a part of you miss him?

2 hours sounds completely out of proportion. If my DC are not ready when I collect them from my ex, it adds 30 min, not 2 hours.

I think that it is so important to avoid situations that you know are upsetting. It will only make it worse and slow down your recovery. Take your focus away from that which brings you down, and shift it to that which brings you joy.

[recluse]

Thank you so much @misscph1973 and @NewtoOLD for your messages.

It’s exactly the same for me, for years I was lonely in my marriage and longed for missing affection and kindness, so this has just made it official in a way. And has meant I no longer feel as if I am in a sham of a marriage.

It really doesn’t help that ex is in the house for quite a long time sometimes - he came to pick the dc up yesterday but they took AGES to be ready, so he was here for almost two hours. We do not talk to each other at all, so it feels awful. I feel like a hated pariah of some kind.