After divorce - is it normal to feel like a recluse and not even care

[recluse]

Long and traumatic divorce. Ex moved out in April after months of living in the same house. He started seeing someone new last autumn, two seconds after it became clear we would not be together any more, and I had to endure weeks and weeks of his being on the phone to this person very late at night and for ages, also having showers getting ready to go out .

There is still some stuff to sort and ex is not settled properly yet, so comes here too often to see the dc.

Still things are a lot calmer than during the divorce, and now I can feel the emotional devastation setting in. And the loneliness. The thought of being with someone else is bad however - and the fact that ex was able to do it so quickly makes me think he really did not give a shit.

There was a work meal and I was sitting opposite someone that I had got vaguely interested vibes from - or something like that. I spent the entire dinner wishing I was sitting somewhere else, and wishing my ex-husband was sitting opposite me instead (but he’s been shagging someone else for months). But I divorced him because of aspects of his behaviour towards me which had become intolerable. Still I miss him, and the thought of being with someone else kind of fills me with revulsion. Is this normal?

And not only that, I just don’t give a shit about a lot of things that I used to care about. It’s as if I have run the gauntlet of an acrimonious divorce, and now I am hardened to everything and everyone. I feel intolerant and as if I am becoming a recluse.
Is this normal?

I have my dc and am trying to sort things out at home, but at the moment everything feels pretty chaotic, and that’s all I can cope with.

I remember conversations I used to have with other parents when my dc were younger, and just think that we used to talk about a lot of inane rubbish .

I heard the people next door practising (they are in a band) and am amazed that they can be bothered. What is the matter with me?

[lifebegins50]

Sometimes the practicalities of divorce can move at a space (because of need, such as finances) before the emotions catch up.

Then when nearly at the end the emotions all tumble out.
I relate to everything you say but nearly 2 years on I am feeling much more steady. It is perfectly normal to feel low at times as an acrimonious divorce can cause trauma...due to sustained stress.

Trust and accept your feelings.A long marriage will have changed you and caused you to doubt your instincts.

[JustlikeDevon]

I divorced after a 15 year marriage, 20 together. I am still nowhere near ready for another relationship and it's been 8 years. I don't miss my ex but I miss the friend he once was and the lack of care and loyalty to our friendship was very difficult to come to terms with. I have no interest in relationships, although have had the odd fling which has been fine - I drop and run if they start making any noises towards something more. I don't think I will ever trust again. I am very content alone and think I always will be.

[crimsonlake]

After all you have been through it sounds like you have lost the pleasure of life. I recognise this and sympathise, not being able to enjoy watching a film or concentrate for long on it. Unable to relax and read a book, I used to enjoy having a browse in the shops and did not enjoy it anymore. Similarly I once painted a lot and could not settle or concentrate to do it. I am 7 years in and still finD all of the above difficult to do, it's as if I have lost my concentration and motivation.

[recluse]

Thank you.

Yes I don’t see myself ever being with someone else. So I was the one who was upset by the distance between me and ex for so many years - no touching / no affection. And now I am the one who won’t be able to move on. While I have been (or was if they are no longer together) instantly replaced.



And H was so desperate for the divorce not to happen, but he hadn’t cared about me for a long time.

Behind all the hurt of the past few years there is the fact that for so many years before that I really loved H. It’s easy to forget that, and he thinks that all along I was just after “his” money and assets. Not the case, I loved him completely.

So the devastation that is our divorce is only now slowly sinking in. For me anyway. He is probably all loved up 🤢🤮 (sorry, childish) and not only does he not care, he can now happily refer to me as the “bitch” for the rest of forever - as he did his first wife while he was with me - I never believed she was a bitch anyway .

[recluse]

I think as far as ex is concerned it is just an ever repeating cycle of demonising the person who dared to stand up to him, while replacing them with the innocent new person who can do no wrong and who is perfect in his eyes.

Maybe he does truly get on better with this new person.

[lifebegins50]

You are describing the pattern of idealise devalue discard, which Narcisstic personalities do.
It is never love with a npd partner but fuel for their ego, however when the new partner reveals themselves to be human and have needs then the devalue, discard starts..can takes years but will always happen.

[yetmorecrap]

I think a lot of men really don’t like the idea of being alone and often have less supportive friendships, so their partner becomes their main friend. When it goes wrong they want to find another ‘friend’ often quickly to fill that void. Some women are like this too but in my experience it’s more men who are on the dating sites within weeks etc

[recluse]

however when the new partner reveals themselves to be human and have needs then the devalue, discard starts

What is it about the needs of the partner that the person with narcissistic traits can’t stand?

I agree yetmore - something to do with needing to be propped up.

[misscph1973]

I have been thinking about this a lot over the weekend, *recluse". I think emotional reactions after ending a long marriage come in waves. You think "OK, I did it, so why am I feeling like this?" Your ex only moved out in April, it's only 3 months ago. I guess the relationship was over before he moved out, maybe for years, but still.

When my ex first moved out (in January), it felt like someone had died, even though it was me who instigated it. But it also felt very liberating to finally be on my own. Very confusing!

I think you just need to allow yourself to feel the grief, the sadness, the shock or whatever you feel. I personally am still going through many different emotions, and it's very confusing. I think you need to feel it to be able to eventually move on and rediscover life, meaning and joy. I think with divorce there has to be rain before there can be sunshine again.

[rosabug]

Op - sorry you are having such a rotten time. My 25 year relationship ended xmas 2016 with the revelation my partner had been having a 4 year affair. I won't go into the back story but just say that the devastation from the end of a long relationship is enormous and it will take time - it's a process.

Your ex is a selfish blind fool. unfortunately, it will be his new partner who will pay as she is simply a dumping ground for his projected problems. That is a given. However, the world is full of women willing to play this role rather than being alone, they are unaware of the psycho-drama they are being pulled into and five years down the road they are running around like headless chickens trying to make something work and wondering why they feel like crap.

I would suggest be patient and loving to yourself. Definitely consider getting some therapy and go to the docs if the numbness doesn't start to lift. A short course of anti depressants can give you the energy to start to recover. Consider small acts of self - love. Start reading, go running. Strengthen yourself slowly and you will attract a better level of man in the future.

A year ago if you had told me that I would be going weeks without crying, That I would have bought a house (my ex couldn't get his act together here) had an interesting love affair with an ex-rock star (now ended by me because I need to find myself a bit more), and don't really want to know what my ex is doing - I would never have believed you. From Dec 2016 to September 2017 I wanted to die, thought about suicide often and I sobbed (I mean sobbed!) every day for 7 months. But it passes - remember - NOTHING lasts forever, nothing. There is freedom in that.

[recluse]

I think you just need to allow yourself to feel the grief, the sadness, the shock or whatever you feel. I personally am still going through many different emotions, and it's very confusing.

Yes - it doesn’t help me that my ex is here quite often - sitting on the sofa yesterday while I was here (I had gone out for 5 hours so that he could be with the dc) as we overlapped by about 45 minutes. I have asked him not to do that but clearly this is of no concern to him.

And part of me starts to hope that things could turn around, but we are completely estranged and don’t speak.

Then today he is messaging the dc asking them if they want to go on a boat ride on a lake - they all don’t want to leave the house but I am thinking that actually I would quite like to go .

@rosabug what you went through, with your ex’s 4 year affair, sounds so hard. I am glad you are feeling better. Yes nothing lasts forever - I will try to hold on to that.

they are unaware of the psycho-drama they are being pulled into - yes - as he was phoning her from the house, I was wondering if she knew that we were all there, myself included, and that he was with me for so long, and the reasons the divorce was happening. And who gets into a relationship with someone who is still married, going through a difficult separation and still living in the same house - lots of people obviously! Sorry, it was worse for you rosabug. One night I heard him telling her about our dd and that she had just gone to bed, and she was obviously saying that it was late and I thought “oh just fuck off”.

If he is still with her she will one day appear on the scene and he will try to use her as a replacement for my inadequacies with the kids.

I am finding the guilt difficult to deal with as well, as I am in the family home, so I am procrastinating a lot.

[recluse]

Consider small acts of self - love. Start reading, go running. Strengthen yourself slowly

Yes I will try to do this.

Thanks for your messages missc and rosa.

[runningscare]

Sounds like you are an amazing person! And you have tried to keep everything together but it's taken it's toll onto your mental well being and I am not surprised. I can relate to a lot of your post however I am in a different situation.

I would go to the GP and get a full check up ... to discuss different options to get you back on track x

[misscph1973]

You sound like your confidence has taken a hit - my inadequacies with the kids - I am finding the guilt difficult to deal with as well, as I am in the family home, so I am procrastinating a lot.

I also have a lot of guilt as I wanted out and I stayed in the family home. I find myself doing ex a lot of favours and letting him get away with almost as much as when we were together. I saw a counsellor who warned me that I would easily slip into a pattern like the one when we were together, the only difference being that we don't live together. I really have to be constantly on my guard about this

You would quite like to go on a boat ride with your ex - I can really sympathise with that, we still do family things together, but the problem is that we get on really well on these outings, it's like we are still together. The DC enjoy it, but I don't think it's healthy for me. Does it sound familiar?

I have started volunteering to get out of the house (especially when DC are not here, but also when they are, to set a good example), otherwise I end up working (from home) and doing house work all the time, which I don't really mind, but i think it's really important for me to see other people, otherwise I end up ex being the only adult I see. Maybe you could do similar? I do have to make myself, but I am always glad I did it after. I'm a big fan of "fake it till you make it"! Essentially I imagine who I want to be, and then I act on it. I want to be someone with a social life, so I have started working on that.

[recluse]

Thanks for your kind messages .

Yes the guilt is bad, even though financially ex is not hard done by, and he also did not disclose everything so who knows.

I would like to go on the boat ride but we literally do not speak to each other at all so it’s a bit irrational. There is a lot is resentment and bad feeling.

Yes small steps and fake it till you make it - it’s hard to wade through all the feelings. I have loads to do but seem to spend a lot of time lying down staring into space!

Have just finished working somewhere and when I get back from holiday need to look for a new job.

Anxious procrastination - that’s what I seem to do best!!

I am hoping that 6 months from now it will already feel different.

[chestylarue52]

Lying down and staring into space is fine. After my divorce I spent a long time lying on the floor looking at the ceiling and listening to the same song on repeat.

Try and shower every day. Eat, go to bed even if you can’t sleep.

It will get better, I promise.

[recluse]

Thank you

listening to the same song on repeat.

Yes, have been doing a lot of that too .

[whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2]

I think it is understandable to feel the way you do. After trauma, and I think divorce is traumatic, we can become reclusive and antisocial. You're still trying to figure out your new life and what you want. Also, normal to feel less tolerant - you're working out the new parameters of your life. I know I once felt exactly as you describe after something similar.

Take each day as it comes, Be kind to yourself and make your happiness a priority.

[Eesha]

I also feel like you do, a recluse, but I force myself out and about for the kids. My ex moved on very quickly and I just feel depressed because I am not ready to meet anyone else but I lie in bed thinking of him having sex with others and it drives me insane! Anyway, guess I’m saying it’s normal but as other posters have said, things do get better x

[recluse]

thinking of him having sex with others

Me too . It reinforces what a selfish arse I think he is, and the anger helps. I worry about whether I should change the locks and how he is going to feel about it, and then I think bah fuck that, he was shagging someone else before you could say jiminy cricket (!). And not only that, making it obvious that that’s what was happening while we were obliged to live in the same house for months .

For so long I was desperate for his kindness and affection - he was very remote and other worse things - short tempered and prone to stonewalling me for weeks and weeks. Then as soon as he realised he couldn’t manipulate me into stopping the divorce, I was instantly replaced. Yet I am apparently a witch for instigating the divorce.

Still haven’t changed the locks though .

[misscph1973]

I also craved my ex's affection and love, it got to the point where I had to have a good cry whenever I had spent time with couples who showed each other affection. Eventually I realised that I was never going to get what I needed, no matter what I did, and I would rather be single! I am not going to spend my life feeling unloved, and I was getting very bitter.

We are on very good terms now, and he is much nicer to me now. But I feel so sad that I spent so many years trying to make our marriage work and failed. I do try to appreciate that we get on well, but it still hurts, it is such a huge change. Today he took the DC on holiday, they will be away for 2 weeks, and I am happy for them, but I already miss DC!

He has not replaced me, but I do wish he would! I think I would find it easier to move on if he did. I would be hurt, but it would make me move on.

[Eesha]

My ex moved on quickly because he can’t be alone. He wasn’t even into sex much so really hurts to know he is having sex at all! I think you can just look after yourself, be the best you can be, and eventually the sadness will pass. I know in my case, it’s very hard for anyone to keep up a pretence for so long so with him, the dark side always comes out. So these women just find this out later. It sounds like your ex is just trying to fill a void but he won’t find anyone like you.

[recluse]

He wasn’t even into sex much so really hurts to know he is having sex at all!

Same situation with my ex and I. In fact he more or less said that sex was no longer part of “his” life - I was like , I don’t feel like that (being the other half of the equation ) and he just said “I am sure you don’t”. That’s it, end of conversation about it - I was never able to talk about anything other than the superficial with him, for fear of his angry and defensive reaction.

Anyway, then the first thing he goes and does is get all loved up (long late night phone calls from the house we were still sharing, showering and going out, coming back knackered ) with my bloody instant, we are talking the speed of light, replacement.



Did I mention that I am angry ?

It sounds like your ex is just trying to fill a void but he won’t find anyone like you.

Thank you for saying that, that’s very kind .

Yes I wonder about the dark side coming out - but then I torture myself by thinking maybe he just loves this new person a lot more.

[recluse]

And there will be no dark side towards them.

[Eesha]

so my ex is an alcoholic. Within 3 months, the police were involved in his new relationship. Reality always strikes!