Relationship counselling - first session and DH has already lied

[BellaAAA20]

I have just returned from relationship counselling with my DH. He has been going to counselling on his own to a different councillor who advised him to start seeing a councillor with me, which I have agreed to. He asserted that he stopped seeing the other councillor 6 months ago. I know this to be untrue. Unfortunately I know this because I saw the notes he makes before meetings which are all dated. Clearly if I probe further about these meetings and ask why he appears to be lying, I’m putting it out there that I’ve seen his notes. However I am extremely concerned that on day 1, he hasn’t been honest. This is a pattern and I’m not surprised but how can I raise this matter, or should I just put up with it?

Do you actually want to stay in the relationship? What else has he lied about?

That's an odd thing to lie about. It seems pretty innocuous. Does he lie a lot then?

If you don’t trust him there’s no point in continuing the relationship with him. He has probably lied about other things too.
You don’t have to justify how you feel.

There doesn't seem much point going to councelling if he's not going to be honest but perhaps he just didn't want your councellor to know he was seeing another one.

I'd be less concerned with the fact that he has lied and more concerned that he felt it necessary to lie to you about seeing a counsellor.

Is this specific relationship counselling or something to help support him through other issues?

He lies a lot. I’ve found out about other women. He told me about one, but said it was ten years ago, but the notes say there have been others. I am very scared about the future for a number of reasons but we were asked to be honest today, and he wasn’t. I feel this is now a charade and he’s only agreed to it because the latest woman has moved away but still loves him, apparently. So it says in the notes. He has written down a lot of things about me which are untrue so I guess the counsellor has just had his complaints to listen to. Therefore I am at a loss to see how she could have helped.

I don’t trust him but it’s very difficult to say this to the couples councillor and cite reasons. Lying to me seems to be a way of life for him.

The initial counselling was for him alone to help him though his issues (this appears to be me) and the recent one is couples counselling because the first counsellor recommended it.

I know from experience that you simply can't live with a liar. They just wear you down in the end and you spend all of your time wondering what else they have lied about. If the trust isn't there there is no relationship.

Hmmm, seems to me the first counsellor is doing you a favour by prompting yr DH to work with you in a structured safe environment.

And Lo, you already know where you stand. Call him out on his lies, you do not need to reveal your sources. If you do not trust him, then say so in the sessions. It’s as much your space as his, so use it for your benefit to help you realise what really matters to you & how you can move on, either solo or as a couple. Couples counselling is as much about parting well as it is about staying together.

I reckon the first counsellor saw straight through his self delusions, games & just how far he would work on himself ( as in Not Far).

He's bloody stupid to leave an evidence trail of his lies. Take photographs of those notes now as you know it'll all be denied or minimised later.

Why are you even trying to save this relationship when he is lying to the councillors, move on life is to short, you can’t trust this man

So he has cheated on you repeatedly?

LTB. Before doing so gather financial evidence in case he lies during the divorce.

Don't waste any more money on the new counsellor. Say to him that you've decided you aren't ready for it yet. Say you need to do what he did and get personal counselling first. Then use the personal counselling to get yourself away from him.

Photocopy his notes and then store it safely. Then confront him. At this point I would just tell him i saw his notes and the extent of his lies. You have a right to know the truth. He has been unfaithful and is a proven liar and therefore doesn't deserve trust. He will be angry you saw his notes. Tell him he broke the trust first

If he’s cheated it time to LTB.
Tell him you know he’s lied. Doesn’t matter if he finds out how you know at the end of the day. At least he’ll get to find out you’re smarter than he thought !

There's no point in counselling if he's lying.

The foundation is shaky and he seems to have been a serial cheat for a while.

I'd cut my losses...without saying why ... except to say you know he's not being honest with you and you know there have been more women than he's admitted to.

Unless he can be honest...you might as well detach from him...that doesnt mean divorce immediately..it just means you make your life the best with the knowledge he's not committed to being faithful and he may not love you.

Hopefully you can detach to the point a split won't be so hard emotionally.

I had a bf that lied to me his sister his parents althou they didn't and still prob don't know. The trust eats away at you. Made me ill. I'd seriously consider what you want what you think you deserve and if it's worth wasting time and money on counseling with him when it's a farce. There must be a reason he's continuing with this. Maybe it's to show a certain image to others maybe its financial. He doesn't seem to have any respect for you sadly. Sorry OP