Really need advice - he said he can't do long distance, but can I change his mind?

[Giantredwood]

I'm 27 and have only ever had abusive relationships.

Over the past four months I've got closer (emotionally) to my friend, an all round decent person who I really click with. He's graduating this week and moving to the North East; I am in the Midlands still at university.

We've had small chats about everything and he's worried that we won't be able to maintain a relationship over that distance. He'll be a newly qualified doctor and I'll be at med school.

But we get on so well. We just had 2 weeks apart and reunited for a group holiday, and it was like no time had passed.

I know he's had a previous relationship fail due to distance. In fact it's the only one he's ever had. So I understand.

But he said if he was staying, we would be together and it would be really good.

I'm scared to let this get away. Until now I've just quietly accepted his decision out of respect for him and his feelings. But if I don't say anything I'll kick myself for years.

I don't want to turn this into a negotiation where I'm trying to change his mind, but I want to lay on the line how I feel and that I'll wait for him however long it needs to be.

I don't want anyone else.

He has no idea what an emotional mess I've been over this. It took me months to even ask if all the time we spent together had a romantic undertone and I was so frightened to do it.

He's very practical and emotionally reserved so I understand why he'd let his head rule his heart. But when we said goodbye, the day before he left, we hugged and he held me like he never wanted to let me go. Intuitively, he feels ambivalent. I don't want to put pressure on and properly fuck it up but I also don't want to let go of the best thing I've had.

He's also told mutual friends that the only reason we aren't dating is because he's moving away.

Am I an idiot if I speak to him about it? Am in denial about a lost cause?

Long-distance is absolutely awful and soul destroying if there no end date in sight, even if you love each other. I'd say walk away... No matter how difficult now, it won't get easier.

He’s just not that into you. Harsh but If he really wanted a relationship with you he’d make long distance work.

You’re only 27, he’s just one man. There’s plenty of others out there

Mate, going to give you an honest answer. It won’t be what you want to hear right now, but it’ll save you a lot of heartache in the long term....

You say yourself that you’ve only been in abusive relationships. While that is entirely the fault of the perpetrators, it also means that your sense of worth and esteem probably isn’t too good. If he is really as into you as you are into him, and if he was looking for a serious relationship, he’d do long distance. The fact that he doesn’t want to more than likely means he doesn’t have as strong feelings as you do. Or that he doesn’t want that kind of commitment right now. Either way, the best thing you can do is to give him space and try to move on. Stay on good terms. Neither of you are in the wrong. I’m sure you are both lovely people. You’re just unfortunately looking for different things out of a relationship right now.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Why is it that you have only had abusive relationships, when did all that start with you?.

I would work on rebuilding your life further after these previous abusive relationships you have had; you are only 27 years of age and you cannot afford to be in a relationship with this man. He cannot act as either your rescuer and or saviour here and you need to let him go. If he wanted to make a go of it with you he would have done so by now and not be ambivalent about it. He is not that into you and you have become overinvested in him.

I would look at enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as this could help you no end in future.

It's never going to change is it? I don't blame him for not wanting me, there's nothing worth having about me anyway.

You are so very wrong there and you are worthy. The men who abused you are not. Please contact Womens Aid and enrol yourself onto their Freedom Programme, it could help you no end. Is counselling also offered at your university?.

Giantredwood, I can see how this might want you to turn the anger on yourself but that's not a good strategy. This doesn't mean anything about you as a person, but you are taking it personally. This guy has just qualified from med school. He studied a long time. He is going to get a job because that's what he wants from all his hard work. He is naturally going to be extremely focused on his career because of the age and stage he is at.
Because of your own attachment issues (probably from your own childhood), any kind of separation will up a need to cling and a need for security. When anyone who you are attached to is leaving, this will present itself as a big threat to you.
A friendship with this man will work fine. I have many many friends I might only see in person once a year, but it's like it's only been last week. You can skype or face time him. Let him go and do what he wants without clinging. You never know how things might go in the future.
Having some therapy with a counsellor who understands attachment dynamics would be very insightful to you, and help you understand your patterns of relating. This would lead to healthier and happy relationships for you in the future. Mind yourself. This is NOT the end of the world, even though it feels like that right this minute.
You got along before you met him, you'll get along without him too.

All mine failed. I have travelled a lot in my life and I say to you what no one had the nerve to say to me. It doesn't work.

@Giantredwood - get yourself strong. You've obviously got some personal strength judging by your posts even if you feel shit now.

My dear , you are not even dating him. You are just friends. And for 4 months.

There is nothing to “ let get away”.

You have no alternative but to “ respect his decision”. That’s how it works - you can’t make someone date you against their will. Telling him about your strong feeling won’t change his feelings one iota. It will just make him feel guilty and he will gradually cool your friendship.

I believe you that he is a decent man, otherwise he would have been shagging you and telling you it was FWB. He’s been honest with you that he doesn’t want a relationship. Throwing yourself at him is going to make your feel worse about yourself.

He’s trying to let you down gently because he’s your friend and he’s kind. Don’t misinterpret this to mean “ he would date me if I quit my course and moved to the north east to be with him “.

Please listen to the good advice here and get some counselling and do the Freedom programme.

Get some insight into what has happened to you. The abuse wasn’t your fault and it’s ok to need help to move on from it. Most of us do.

You're not in a relationship, and he doesn't want one. You're not worthless, but this is a friend, nothing more. You're at Med school, he's a junior doctor. The hours you both need to put in are significant, and would be difficult if you were in the same city. He's not what you need right now, and you're not worthless x