Help!!

[dj0106]

Hi, I don't know how to start so I guess the beginning is the best place. I met a guy via online dating January 2016 and we got on really well, blah blah blah, after 11 months we moved in together with my two kids. Putting it more precisely I moved my family from one county to another to be with him and we were ready to move on as a family anyway, didn't like where we lived. Got my youngest son into a village school and he loves it, in fact he leaves this week for high school. Well as time went on living with my partner I noticed just how much he stared at other women even when he was with me. We argue and get over it and it happens again. Its been like it for 18 months now, I think its something wrong with me cos he is always looking especially at the girls in their twenties. I found that he has many many photo's on his phone of women off the internet and caught him looking at my free cam at the young girls. He puts a roof over my head since I gave everything up and I am trying to finish my degree and find a job. I can't cope any longer but I don't know what to do, I have no friends down here although I do like living here and my son who is 11 loves it here so I don't want to move away. I just feel like I have nothing and by breaking up with him, I have nothing left. I loved him so much, (I think I still do cos I can't stop crying) and I have tolerated his 30 pints a week drinking sessions and his snoring because I love him. I'm so desperate for advice. I feel alone and fed up of giving all the love I have, only to be dumped on. Please give me some sensible advice because my heart is arguing with my head right now, I don't know which way to turn

Ok so your son leaves his school in a few days and you're not working ATM? (I get you're trying to finish your degree though).
Can you and your son get away for a bit? Maybe go and visit some friends or family where you used to live?
Having some head space may clarify things for you.
Tbh he sounds like he has some issues. 30 pint drinking sessions aren't exactly you great. What would worry me more is him spying on young girls, how young are you talking? And how old is he?
It's great he's looking after your financially, as long as it's for the right reasons and not control. That's not enough on it own though, well it wouldn't be for me.
Sounds like you're in a hard situation but reading between the lines you know what to do..

You mention heart and head but what doesn’t your gut say. Sometimes our hearts are unreliable as they always want to see the best.

I don’t think I that there is anything wrong with you. If he is blatantly doing something that he knows causes you to feel hurt then he is the one that has something wrong with him.

30 pints a week is excessive and worrying but also something that you can’t deal with. He needs to be the one to see what this is doing to his health and his life. Having an uncle that had issues with alcohol and watching countless people try to help, I know that it has to come from him.
The alcohol may be responsible for some of his actions too but again, you can’t possibly change this.

There is lots of help and Support for you whilst you study. Have you approached your university student support? Maybe also try citizens advice.

There are always options and whilst it maybe difficult initially, you will get there and you should never feel alone. Feel free to private message anytime for a chat.

I’m not sure how to edit but that should say ‘what does your gut say’

I get that you are upset by your partner looking at pictures of young women, but surely the main problem here is his heavy drinking and the fact that you are dependent on him. Will finishing your degree guarantee a job? Maybe you need to get a job now and start to pull away. On top of everything he cannot be a good influence on your children.

Hi, thank you for the replies. Its a difficult situation when you love someone I'm too soft I guess. I am looking to get back into business admin so I am applying for apprenticeships as a mature learner, I have 3 years left on my degree, I'm studying with the open university and I'm mainly doing it to get some pride in myself so its more for personal achievement than career although I hope it will help me further down the line. Anyway, hopefully the apprentice wage and some temporary benefits will keep a roof over my kids heads. Although I moved over 50 miles to be with him, I love it here (Staffordshire) much more than where I came from and my 11 year old is excited about starting high school around the corner so I need to keep hold of this house(its private rented though so quite worried I may lose it after he moves out).

The looking at girls thing, the girls on the my free cam are between 17 and 25 I would say looking at them when I did some investigate work on him. He is 54, he has daughter age 17, lives with her mum, I told him its perverted at his age never mind disrespectful to me but he says my nagging is relentless. I've forgiven him for many things cos I loved him and I'm scared about being on my own again, I'm trying to make friends here but it's not easy.

I just wish I could stop crying, I'm fed up of getting hurt all the time.

Oh and in addition, he has always drank at least 5 pints every time we go out and I hardly drank before I met him but I used to go just to be with him and only drink a couple of halves to his 5 pints but he is in the habit of going out at least 5 nights per week and that is where it adds up to at least 25-30 pints per week.

Its his body, he has done it a long time, my priority is to stop crying, get some work and get my 11 year old some fun in his life, he's my reason for living at the moment.

OP - drinking is the problem that you have.
As to looking at adult women - it’s not perverted. It may be disrespectful if he rubs it in your face, but being this judgemental about it won’t help the situation.

Other than him looking at women - how is the actual relationship? Is there anything that’s missing?
Love, attention, fun, intimacy?
Are you, maybe, misdirecting your dissatisfaction with something else into this issue with him noticing other women?

He makes me feel small and unattractive when he stares at other women in front of me.

He looks at young females on my free cam, how can that be right when you have committed yourself to a woman and told her that you love her?

Honestly, he doesn't sound very lovable, going out five or more nights a week and getting plastered. What do you get out of this partnership, and how do you imagine it progressing?

He doesn't get plastered, he's that used to it that it hardly affects him, its when he is going to the 8 or 9 pints that his persona slightly changes. but that's not very often.

I know i have to be strong for my son's sake, I'm just fed up of crying, I can't control it. I love him and I know the sensible answer, why do I love so easily? please let me say he does have a loving side, I would not have fell in love with him if he didnt.

He is clearly an alcoholic op, and not likely to change anything about himself unless he wants to. How does he show love to you? I don't know what a pint of beer costs where you live, but he must be spending £100-plus a week on it. Thousands every year. From reading your posts it sounds like it's the beer that he loves most.