Convincing my daughter of equality - tips please.

[Bujinkhal]

Ok I have a 17 year old daughter and recently she's been going through the mill a bit with boys.

She was seeing a lad for a few months and they split up around Christmas. He was pretty controlling and I spent quite a bit of time explaining red flags to her, what's acceptable and what's really not. She left him off the back of his behaviour.

I quite liked the lad, he was polite and respectful to me and my wife but his actions towards my daughter really weren't on. (Demanding to know where she was all the time, wanting her to stop doing activities like going to the gym, etc etc) I wanted to talk to him directly about this but she wouldn't let me. I suspect he's just young and hope his behaviours would change if challenged.

Anyway, recently they've been talking again, but she was chatting with several lads. I told her she's perfectly entitled to do this, until you're actually committed to one person then seeing, dating, kissing or whatever multiple people is fine so long as all parties are aware.

So she went out on a date with a different lad, while out they ran into the first boy, they didn't speak but that night he ended up messaging her a torrent of abuse, calling her a slag etc (just to be clear, her and him weren't seeing each other or going out or anything like that)

It's knocked her confidence quite a bit, she's said things like "he's right, I am acting like a slag" I asked her if it was the same for boys and she replied no it's fine for them.

I've tried explaining that it's a misogynistic view of the world that perpetrates that, that she can do whatever she wants to within reason and no-one has the right to judge her but she's a long way from being convinced.

She's blocked the boy and is determined she'll have no more contact with him so that's good but I'm worried about her world view.

This isn't about my feelings around being in a committed relationship at all rather just when you're exploring different options.

I'd just like some advice on how I can convince her to feel free to make decisions without having to take into account other peoples opinions on that.

Thanks.

She thinks she’s a “slag” because as a young, single woman, she went on a date?

Why? Ask her what exactly it is that she thinks she’s done wrong!

I don’t mean any offence, but you also seem a little over invested in her love life, you should never have tried to talk to her ex to try and talk him into not being a controlling, insecure prick. She was right to dump him, women don’t owe abussive men a second chance.

TBH if you wanted her to be completely independent and uninfluenced by sexist socialisation, you should have started when she was a baby and not allowed her to watch TV or read shite.

It sounds like she has internalised society's hatred of women, so unpicking that is going to be a hell of a job.

You could always suggest she registers on MN, of course, and hangs around the Relationship section :D

Explain to her that her ex is calling her names because he is jealous. Because he can’t cope with her independence and her right to date anyone she likes. And that is his problem, not hers. Explain that anyone who calls another person a slag - a vile expression - isn’t worth knowing anyway.

Why would she value the opinions of anyone who speaks like that.

I think it's good you want her to be aware and expect equality.

The Ex is simply jealous she's moved on. He is immature and bitter.

You could always suggest she registers on MN, of course, and hangs around the Relationship section

I know you said this as a joke, but that's pretty much how, at the age of 30, the message finally made its way through my skull!

OP you sound like a great parent and I think you need to just keep doing what you're doing. She's so young and will probably need guiding on a case by case basis for a while. Maybe head over to the feminism board and ask for some suggestions of books she can read?