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Relationships

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Original poster

Any expeirence- serious doubts before marriage but now happily married?

22 replies

kalatmika · 19/07/2018 11:38

Hello. I usually never write to forums but now i just dont know who to talk to anymore so i thought to ask about your experiences.

I am 28 and my fionce 27, we have been living together 2 years and being engaged 1 year. As part of religious tradition we are planning wedding, which will be in 1 month!

But every day i wake up with serious worries, doubts if i am doing right decision..trying to understand where they come from, but it is very confusing.

We have some fundamental differences – he wants to live in one place and travel only later in life, when kids are big, preaching, fully dedicate on service of God. And due to this he won’t be getting any money as he serves in church during our household years. We wont be able to travel too much as he has full responsibility to take care of the church, where we have long cold winters.

But i am more a lady who wants to make career. Since childhood wanted to be fashion designer and this is my calling what i cannot ignore. Also I love to travel, seen the good life in warm Australia and rather in retirement days would settle in one place.

Basically he wants simple( live in small house, hut) life dedicated for God(he dont get any money for that), I want more comfortable life (f.e – have a pool, big house) and a successful career.

At the same time he is such a quality man, that i dont know if i can find one like him. He is talented, funny, artistic, has high morals, loving, trustworthy, has a good family…and children have good environment to grow up in here. So i am really afraid to say no to this chance, as it is a real deal and everything else what i can imagine can be just illusion..

Im really confused, dont know what to do and i think probably would just go through with marriage despite my doubts and hope the best, even if it means lots of emotional suffering for me.

I am also getting to my 30ties soon..and to try to find another man now..dont want to settle just for somebody, if right now have such amazing man with good qualities.. just the part of where to live and how to live is like day and night with him :'(

Maybe you have some experiences or advices to share for me….

Thank you

OP posts:

PolkaHots · 19/07/2018 11:59

You’re in your 20s? Why not just go out with this man? Why the need for commitment?

parklives · 19/07/2018 12:03

I am assuming it is because of his religion you are getting married fairly quickly?
Do you have any similar life goals?
I assume he wants you to have children pretty quickly after you get married? Do you want this?

Nquartz · 19/07/2018 12:07

It sounds like you have fundamental differences in what you want out of life, neither of you should have to compromise so why don't you find someone who wants what you want?

Original poster

kalatmika · 19/07/2018 12:33

Thank you so much for your care to read it through and help.
I am in few days 28 years old. Yes due to religion we are supposed to be married especially as he is on responsible position ( although he would also wait with marriage)
We have kinda similar life goals, just I need to fulfill my career plans, which he fully supports now that i can go for it. Just i dont know how to operate from rural place in Europe to become succesful designer.

Only thing i am then compromising on is living in this rural place, with cold winters, although i would love to live beside ocean in warm place. ... but then i am thinking...can always just visit these places once- twice a year..

OP posts:

Original poster

kalatmika · 19/07/2018 12:35

But definitely...this living place is huge compromise for me as i cannot say i am super excited about it, also whenever we travel somewhere else i am always happy to go but never happy to come back here, rather scared to again find myself in black thoughts sitting in my room here.

OP posts:

Original poster

kalatmika · 19/07/2018 12:40

I also did find someone with who out plans and wishes in life match perfectly. But his personality is awful, he gets angry easily. sits mostly in his phone, doesnt pretty much know how to change even a light bulb...or what to eat. so like a big baby. also he is obese and health not very good.... so what should i do with such man...:/

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 19/07/2018 12:50

I think you should dump him and find someone who doesn't anger easily and who's plans are more in line with yours and not complete opposite!

DPotter · 19/07/2018 12:50

Sorry Kala, but I disagree with you - I don't think you do share similar life goals. He wants to work for a church in a remote location, probably with children in the near future. You want to forge a career in fashion for which you will need to be in a city and probably a major city, like London, Manchester, Paris. Having children soon will not make that goal easier to achieve, especially if you are still remote. He may be a wonderful man, but I'm not sure he's 'your' man as things stand today.

The other man you speak of, doesn't sound your 'man' either. You do realise there are more than 2 men out there ? You don't have to chose between these 2 men - there are others. If you are having doubts now, I would strongly urge you not to marry in the hope of everything working out as you wish.
You are only 27 - you have years in which to make your career and find a man who does share your goals and wants to live somewhere warm!

bumpertobumper · 19/07/2018 12:56

You say in your OP that you don't want to end up settling, but that is exactly what you are doing.
The second person you mention sounds like a terrible option, stay away from him.

Your fiancé first priority is God. That is who he is. You need to decide whether you can put up with always being in second place, and this is what your children will have to endure as well.

I know I wouldn't.

Please listen to yourself and your feelings, talk to a counsellor if you can. It is not right to have doubts of this magnitude a month before your wedding - you should be happy and excited with maybe a small nervous niggle...

Hearing another's success story isn't going to make your situation all ok.

You know already that you won't be happy in this marriage... You deserve more, as do any future children you may have...

Trinity66 · 19/07/2018 12:58

I wouldn't get married if I had doubts.

Brakebackcyclebot · 19/07/2018 12:59

Have you discussed any of this with your fiance? Does he know this is what you want, and that your ideal life involves fashion design, and probably living in a city?

You are 27. That's very very young. Plenty of time to settle down. So don't settle for a man that isn't right.

Cricrichan · 19/07/2018 13:01

*whose

NorthernSpirit · 19/07/2018 13:08

I would get a session the both of you with a counsellor to talk this through, they can mediate for you.

Marriage is a major commitment and you should be sure.

My now OH has been married and is now divorced. He told me he had serious doubts about marrying his EW. But, his best friend died, and he asked his girlfriend to marry him. He said it was like a whirlwind, before he knew it the wedding was booked and he couldn’t get out. All along he had doubts but then then girlfriend wouldn’t listen. He thought he could make it work. He couldn’t. When he tried to leave the wife threatened him and it got quite nasty. When he did leave, a very bitter (on her part) divorce ensued. The guilt destroyed him. 6 years later the EW is bitter and hostile and he still feels guilty.

Do not go into this marriage unless you are sure. It destroys lives.

antipodeankat · 19/07/2018 13:11

Please don't marry him. I was engaged at 27 and loved him very much, but had doubts. Breaking up close to the wedding date was very hard and I was only able to do it through the strength of God (I am also religious and being married was important to me), but breaking up was the best thing I ever did. Being single allowed me to travel and work in London, Paris and Sydney. 4 years later I met my now husband and I knew within the first month that he was my guy. I never doubted for a second that marrying him was the right thing to do. We've now got 2 kids and I am so so so grateful that I waited for their dad. Both my friends who had doubts when engaged are divorced now.

furandchandeliers · 19/07/2018 13:13

I think you need to be on your own and focus on your career and yourself and forget about men for now

Givemeabreak01 · 19/07/2018 13:15

Don’t do it.....!!!

BestZebbie · 19/07/2018 13:24

How would God indicate that going ahead would be wrong for you? Would it involve strong doubts?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 19/07/2018 13:30

As suggested by previous posters, skip the divorce and don’t get married in the first place.

Your fiancé wants a monks life, rural and in poverty. Good for him if that is what he wants. But if you do not have the same calling then it will in no way work for you. That is an insurmountable incompatibility.
Also, I certainly would of not have children in that context.

No. Your gut is ringing alarm bells. Trust it.

Trinity66 · 19/07/2018 14:03

Not having the same or very similar priorities/dreams for the future in life is a recipe for disaster and I think is one certain obstacle that cannot be over come in a relationship

Loopytiles · 19/07/2018 14:08

Marriage sounds like a bad plan.

The religion you’re both involved in sounds hardcore. Odd that you’re marrying to comply with the norms in your religion but are already living together, which most conservative religions frown upon.

Who would pay the bills? If you had children?

Would living in your home and/or his (presumably tiny) salary be dependent on full compliance with the church senior people’s wishes and demands?

If so, then run for the hills!

Babdoc · 19/07/2018 14:12

I think the very fact that you are asking for advice on this forum, instead of being in a whirl of bliss about your wedding, speaks volumes. If you were really in love, and had chosen the right man, you really wouldn’t care what any of us think about it!
Please, OP, don’t marry this guy. It is not fair to either of you, when you want such different lives. I’m sure he’s a wonderful person, and will serve God well in his ministry, but he is not the right partner for you.
You are still very young, and should be following your own dreams, building your own career and future, not squashing all your ambitions to follow his.
I think you already know that. All you’re seeking here is confirmation.
Do the sensible thing and cancel the wedding.

Hissy · 19/07/2018 15:18

he's not religious. he's a liar and a hypocrite.

You live together yet everything he SAYS he wants to do revolves around religion, he thinks that he can live on air does he? so the heavy lifting in life will be done by you...

You are clearly vulnerable if you have found these 2 guys and think that either of them are worth your time

Do not marry this guy, and delete/block the other one, he sounds AWFUL

You are worth more.

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