Shall I tell the wife?

[LeeBird]

Our family member is having an affair. Has been married for 2 years, marriage is not very good, but (I think) he does love his wife. They have no children (problems conceiving on her part). He loves OW too, and insists that he’ll get divorce in the next couple of years. I have always been uneasy about the situation, but he has assured me from the beginning of his affair (he just simply brought OW to our house!) that his wife KNOWS about the OW. I spoke to him about it few times, tried to make him sort out his life, but he’s having none of it. He always insists that he can not leave his wife as she’s threatened to kill herself if he does. In the last couple of years there were few family gatherings, meetings for a coffee, dinner where I’ve had good chats with the wife, but she has never mentioned the OW, problems within the marriage and always was putting her husband on a very high pedestal. I have always assumed that the husband is bluffing and the wife doesn’t know about the OW.
Last weekend we had a party at ours. Husband and Wife came. Everything was normal, except, she got a bit drunk, but not overly. They left. 45 minutes late she rang me in tears. They have had a row on the way home. And her exact word were: ‘He does not love me. He’s lying to me and TO HIS GIRLFRIEND. I am going to kill myself’.
To me that only suggests that the Husband was telling the truth to me all these times, and she knows about the OW and threatened to kill herself (which I found MOST unbelievable).
That was Saturday, and yesterday she rang me and asked to meet for a coffee. Not unusual, we’ve done it lots of times, but I am frightened she’s going to ask me about the OW, and don’t know what to say to her. Lie that I did not know anything? Tell her the truth? Simply keep repeating she needs to leave her husband, but not go into details, as this will come to haunt me (husband is the ‘real’ family)?
I know, the right thing to do would be to tell her the truth, but I am not sure she’ll leave him, and, god forbid, will kill herself.
What will you do?

She already knows though doesn't she so why not be honest with her?

I’d keep out of it, neither of them emerge with any credit

If it was me I be thankful for you letting me know.

To be honest I wouldn't be discussing the OW with her I'd be suggesting she gets a doctor's appointment and councelling asap as threatening to kill herself is obviously very bad.

She knows already. He can't stay with her because she would kill herself otherwise, surely?

Just tell her that you don't want to get involved - at all. You'll end up embroiled in this drama and somehow it'll end up being your fault. Step away from the whole situation.

Absolutely do not get embroiled in this matter - it will end up with a “ he said, she said” situation. If she starts asking questions about the OW I would simply say “ I think it’s better you discuss it with husband or friend about it.... I love both of you and don’t want to end up in the middle”. I don’t really think it’s fair to off load your problems onto a relative of your partner and expect them to take sides - whatever the circumstances. Obviously that doesn’t preclude you from making suggestions about Drs / counselling etc if you feel it’s appropriate.

I would usually say to tell the truth.
But... she sounds unstable.
You don't want to be involved with all that.
I'd have to say that you are not prepared to discuss it as it's not your business and change the conversation!
It's not gonna be easy though.

I'd meet her and be honest. She knows about the OW... what more is there.

I'd tell her the truth; that you knew and had been lead to believe that she knew too. I wouldn't give any details beyond that and repeat "I'm sorry, I'm here for you as a friend but not prepared to pass information back and forth. It's unfair to ask me and I am saying the same to your husband."

It is absolutely not your responsibility to stop her killing herself. Suggest she start in therapy immediately.

In short, be kind and honest but set boundaries. This is not your mess.