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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Possible half siblings for my DCs!

23 replies

whatshouldIdo999 · 19/07/2018 07:38

Have name changed as this may be identifying.

Me and XP have 2 DCs, we had DS1 quite young, and split after years together, we were apart for about 6 months then got back together (stupidly but I believed all his "I have changed"), I fell pregnant as a contraceptive failure but he said he was happy for the new baby etc. DS2 was born and we split again when he was 6 months as his old emotionally abuse ways returned. DS2 is now 3 and we have been co parenting amicably considering.

I have had a message from an old flame of his, telling me her DD (5 years old) is his, as a result of a brief fling when we had split, she said he was made aware of this when she found out she was pregnant but has denyed its his as she was promiscuous at the time. I feel heartbroken and in shock that our second relationship was a sham really on the back of this big secret and now and don't know what to do next.

Ex says she told him there was a chance he was the father but he didn't believe her and she refused a DNA. He now says he doesn't have the money for a DNA so I expect he knows theres a fair chance its his. What do I do??

OP posts:

Changedname3456 · 19/07/2018 07:49

I don’t understand why the fling, when you were split up, makes the second relationship a sham really.

She can’t have known for at least 3-4 weeks after that she was pregnant, and if she was promiscuous at the time then I think it’s reasonable that he’d question paternity.

That’s not to say you should be in a relationship with him, but I don’t think it’s necessarily fair (or healthy for you) to hold on to the hurt.

Changedname3456 · 19/07/2018 07:50

Probably best you get checked at the GUM clinic though, if there’s a chance he had unprotected sex with a “promiscuous” partner - and she may not have been his only partner in those months.

Shortstuff08 · 19/07/2018 07:55

I don't think it makes your relationship a sham. You were apart and he slept with someone.

She says the child is his, but refused DNA and possibly slept with more than him around the time

He is saying he can't afford DNA now.

From my point of view, if she was cinvinc3d the child was his, she would have gone to the CSA who would have assisted in sorting the DNA issue. Why hasn't she?

Original poster

whatshouldIdo999 · 19/07/2018 09:11

I feel it is a sham because he knew there was a woman potentially pregnant with his child when we got back together and had DS2 and he has known about this and not mentioned it all these years.

Had I known that was the situation I wouldn't have got back together with him and would have encouraged him to resolve things in relation to the child. Now it is all a big mess and I'm struggling to work out a way to tell our DCs (if proved) that they have a 5 yo sister they never knew about.

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 19/07/2018 09:31

He’s your Ex right? If the DNA results reveal that the child is his then you can tell your children. Why are you making this about you?

Hindsight’s a marvellous thing but come on, you split up for the second time very quickly, which suggests that the reconciliation just needed to be played out. Don’t get involved in his current drama and thank your lucky stars you came to your senses about him.

Shortstuff08 · 19/07/2018 10:05

I feel it is a sham because he knew there was a woman potentially pregnant with his child when we got back together and had DS2 and he has known about this and not mentioned it all these years.

If he genuinely believed it wasn't his and she was refusing DNA, I can see why he didn't mention it.

You need to stop making this about you, as pp said. He made the mess, he can resolve it.

Again, if she is so sure it's his why had she never tried to prove it or go to the csa?

Readyfortheschoolhols · 19/07/2018 10:06

Nothing to tell your dc until dna tests imo.

funinthesun18 · 19/07/2018 11:34

I’d tell her to piss off and leave me alone. Whatever she needs to sort out she needs to sort out with him. Whether that’s money or contact between the children.

AgentJohnson · 19/07/2018 11:44

How does him impregnating someone when you were separated render your very short reconciliation a sham but him still being an abusive twat when you were together, didn’t?

Guiltypleasures001 · 19/07/2018 12:08

I agree with previous poster
Not your circus not your monkeys

Don't tell the kids anything
You don't know anything yet
And she may not want them mixing anyway

Why invite drama in to their lives
Stay out of his business and save yourself the headache

He's a fuckwit how is this news or even a surprise to you

Huskylover1 · 19/07/2018 18:19

Only on MN, would the discovery of a half sibling to your own biological children, fall in to the category of "Not my circus".

The Op has got front row seats at this Circus. She's got the VIP pass, FFS.

Her own children may have a half sibling, and if so, the Op is going to have to facilitate their meeting, and they will be in each others lives FOREVER.

Not my Circus? SERIOUSLY?

Changedname3456 · 19/07/2018 19:43

”Her own children may have a half sibling, and if so, the Op is going to have to facilitate their meeting, and they will be in each others lives FOREVER.”

Really? Why? Surely it’s her ex’s responsibility to do that, if at all. It’s common sense to assume that many half siblings aren’t ever made aware of one another, for a number of reasons. And if they are, it doesn’t mean that they automatically then become close.

funinthesun18 · 19/07/2018 20:26

Her own children may have a half sibling, and if so, the Op is going to have to facilitate their meeting, and they will be in each others lives FOREVER.

It’s not the op’s responsibility to do anything of the sort. It isn’t her problem. When her children go to stay with their dad as normal, THEN they can see their sibling. Why should the op have to have contact with this woman at all? Her ex is a grown man and I’m sure he can manage without the op doing it all for him ffs.

shinyredbus · 19/07/2018 20:27

Why do you care - it doesn't affect you anymore surely? Hindsight - a wonderful thing that nobody has. Have you moved on from him? If yes - great, this doesn't affect you one iota. If not - then you need to work on that and continue the co-parenting which you say is going well.

AnyFucker · 19/07/2018 20:29

Why does it fall to women to facilitate this shit ?

Op...throw the ball back in his court. Get on with your own life. What will be will be but this is down to him

You don't owe anybody anything, not even your kids

funinthesun18 · 19/07/2018 20:33

Why does it fall to women to facilitate this shit ?

My thoughts exactly! He’s the one who has potentially fathered another child. He’s the one who needs to step up and deal with all that entails if the child is his. This is very much HIS circus!

Singlenotsingle · 19/07/2018 20:34

OP seems to be keen to make this more of a problem than it needs to be. If either the ex or the OW bother to have DNA tests done, and IF they turn out to be positive, there may be a case for telling the DC. But even then, it's not down to OP. It's down to the ex.

Original poster

whatshouldIdo999 · 19/07/2018 22:07

This is their issue and not mine but I disagree with this not being my business.

If the child is his my DC will be quite confused and hurt and given ex's past history I would rather it was me that told them in the right way. To have a sibling is one thing but my eldest is old enough to be very confused by a 5 year old sibling seemingly out of the blue.

It will affect me as I know how my sensitive DS1 will feel as he took his dad leaving the hardest.

OP posts:

adaline · 19/07/2018 22:36

Surely all the children involved have a right to meet and know of each others existence (once DNA has proved they're siblings of course).

Would you be happy finding out you had a sibling your mum knew about but never let you meet? I would be furious if I grew up and discovered that kind of secret.

In this kind of situation you need to do what's right for the children, which is discover the truth and let them have a relationship with their sister. It's not their fault their father is in denial/a liar and they shouldn't potentially lose a wonderful sibling relationship as a result!

TokenGinger · 19/07/2018 23:16

If your child is old enough to be confused about a 5 year old sibling, your child is old enough to understand that daddy had another realfonship when mummy and daddy split, and he now has a new sister.

Not really sure why it needs to be any more complicated than that.

Shortstuff08 · 20/07/2018 06:37

There may not even be anything to be confused about.

You don't know if this child is your ex's child. As I have said before, it's weird she has come direct to you. But never pursued DNA or child maintenance. There a decent chance she is just a stirring the shit.

Right now there is nothing to tell or explain to your child.

GeorgeIII · 20/07/2018 06:46

Surely ex facilitates meetings of his DCs.
If it does turn out to be his child, as children are small just introduce child - no need to explain the relationship until later or they particularly ask - but my dGCs play with second cousins without a long winded explanation of who they are.They are just someone they play with at my house.

adaline · 20/07/2018 07:17

Won't younger children accept this kind of thing more easily than teenagers or older kids?

I don't know if I'm a big fan of letting them meet and play and not know their relationship. They're half siblings which is a pretty meaningful connection - hardly comparable to second cousins.

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