Anyone else have a sil who makes them feel inadequate?

[mrszimmerman]

My sil is about 13 years younger than me and a doctor as well. She's incredibly confident and my bil (who is HUGELY competitive) never stops going on and on about how clever and YOUNG she is. I'm a sahm trying to career change so lacking confidence by being out of the game for a while.

I get on very well with her - she's very nice despite being a little patronising (like almost all doctors ime). But it still depresses me a bit, I can't help but think I come out of any comparison pretty poorly! The worst thing is, once she starts having babies (I could only have one) I'm dreading disappearing completely! This isn't strictly so - but I have found having ds was a huge factor in making me feel loved by dh's famly.

Any way - anyone else have one of these? How do you manage and keep thinking positive?

Oh God yes, I don't have a huge amount in common with her or my brother, don't see a lot of each other.

Interesting issue.

I sometimes wonder if my SIL used to see me as you see your SIL - my career is in a field she wanted to work in but it didn't really work out for her and I know I am quite intellectually confident/arrogant at times.

However, she had babies before me and the result of that is that she is totally my baby guru - she is the person I turn to first for advice (even before Mumsnet!!) and if she ever felt intimidated by me before she certainly doesn't need to now.

So maybe it will be the other way round from what you are thinking - she will start to look up to you?

Sorry that you feel so inadequate. You are not though, just look at your little one, you have created something extremely precious. I now it can be hard to believe in yourself sometimes, trust me I am Mrs Insecurity but I know I am and I am trying to change it, just give me time .

She is probably overworked, tired, and stressed because of her work and is jealous of you being a sahm and your little one. You don't know if she has been trying for a baby of her own for a while. You don't know if she will ever be able to have children of her own. No matter how great a doctor she is she has not yet experienced motherhood and who knows she might really need your advice and expertise when she has one of her own.

thanks for these posts! I know, life isn't a competition of course but it's mostly bil I think, the way he constantly goes on about her career an youth - I just feel like saying
shut up tw*thead! we know we know we know you told us already!!!

You must remember the grass is always greener!

I think my SIL sees me like you see your SIL (if I've got that right) and I see her as someone who's really got it sorted, has a wonderful family, and I worry I won't be able to have kids (which, frankly and as you know, are more important than any job) and ever have what she has.....

When I see her I assume she's got it sorted and so I probably bang on about the work stuff to prove I'm together as well.

Ah, the irony....

Yes!

I have a sister who is a SAHM, and has 4 children, who are goodlooking, very well behaved and clever. I have a SIL who has 4 kids and another on the way, who is also a SAHM- I think she's a little mad, but I'm envious of how she can have so many kids, live on a small income, and be so happy and laid back.

Both dh and I work, and I'm the main wage- earner. I have only one dd and won't be having any more (too old, but also medical problems). My dd is beautiful (well I think so), clever- ditto, and mostly well behaved. I still however feel totally inadequate when I visit my Sister and SIL, always come home totally demoralised. They're perfectly nice to me, but I think I judge myself against them, and find myself lacking.

I know the feeling.

My ex's sister is the same age as me (27). She is a company director and major shareholder. She has a wonderful relationship with her husband, the love just oozes out of them. She has a wonderful figure and is very beautiful. They have a fantastic home and go on holiday 4 times a year.

One of the advantages of splitting with the ex, is that I no longer have to deal with feeling inferior to her.

DHhas two sisters who are both very slim ( on the verge of skinny IMO ! ) older than me and I am still over weight !!!!

I hate going out on a family do as they look so glamourous and I look like a frump !

One has two children, the other has a very well paid job but no children and not looking likely either as I dont think they could afford the lifestyle change ( BIG mortage - so dont feel inferior there ! )

I wonder why your bil goes on about it so much? Is it possible he feels inferior to your dh?
(are they brothers? do i have that right, my head cant get around the relationship )

bettyboo, my bil is my dh's brother, he's a good bit younger and shorter and has always had that thing of showing off too much. He's a good bloke, just hugely competitive. Also he adores sil so much - it verges on worship - can't believe he's got her - thinks she's the Messiah etc etc. I think I feel like Tissy, it deflates me for some reason, I guess it's because he trumpets what I dont' have so loudly it seems to diminish me somehow. When really it's bad manners to show off at all isn't it? You're always going to make someone feel low if you do aren't you?
Tissy, I think I'm like you - I judge myself against other people and give myself a low score! I love my own sis but she has endless children, I think I really wish I could have had a big family but it wasn't to be unfortunately.
Uetli, we're ususally surprised when we hear how other people see us - I know I am. I do feel lucky, I just think I'm having that midlife think of sahm, no career, no other children to justify my not working yet etc.
I look around and women seem to carry status based on
number of children
success at work
physical appearance
loveliness of house etc etc
Of course there are other things but these are just the status anxieties I have.
Thanks for posts

Mrszimmerman, I too feel like you. My SIL is a year older than me. She has a good career as a secondary school teacher - she is HoD and works full time. I had a good legal career until I had ds 3 years ago. I couldn't cope working full time, it broke my heart everyday for a year to leave ds so I quit and now work part time in an admin job (love it btw, no stress and get to spend time with the kids)but obv money not as good. Last year SIL gave birth to my niece 5 weeks before I had dd and it has been a nightmare since. I thought when she had my niece she would understand what I have been through but she went back to work full time and seems to be coping wonderfully. She has a cleaner, spend huge amounts of money on my niece and their lifestyle and quite honestly makes me feel really inadequate. Her and my MIL seem to look down on me because I gave up my career - MIL always harps on about her career, prob like you BIL does, and like you I know life isn't a competition but when you have to make hard decisions like giving up work, changing career for the sake of your kids, it doesn't help when you feel belittled by others for that decision. When I got my new job after having dd she reduced it to a "photocopying assistant" and thats all I'm good for!!Its not getting any easier for me unfortunetly as I can only see it getting worse - SIL is very competitive and seems to make everything into a competition with our dd's weight, development etc and I can only see this continuing into school - how well they do with grades etc. DH has a really good job despite no real qualifications but she still thinks he's thick (she has a good degree etc)and he's far from it. We used to have a wonderful relationship but it has deteriorated dramatically in the time since our dd's were born - it was not planned we would have babies together btw. Sorry to hijack your post with my rant but its good to know that someone else feels the way I do - I just wish I could rise above it - maybe I will one day

Mrszimmerman i really think this problem is due to your bils attitude than anything else. I think without his trumpet blowing you wouldnt feel inadequate all next to your sil. Maybe he's felt inadequate for some reason (maybe height!) next to his brother and now finally is his chance to show off as he has 'bagged' this girl. I bet if i met you and her I wouldnt be so in awe of her but its hard when someone keeps going on about it.
I know someone who is in awe of her husband, she goes on and on about how amazing he is exactly the same way as your bil all the time! It was getting me down - but in an opposite way, i thought well whats wrong with my dh?
Its not good to boast so much.
So i think the issues lie with your bil and his gloating rather than anything that is 'wrong' with you. Does that make sense?
Do you feel this has built up over time or was it instant? if its overtime i just think its your bils voice banging on in your head making you feel like this?

I think you need to look at why you let these people make you feel inadequate.
Your SIL can't help being younger than you, and that is something that is never going to change, so there is no point seeing it as an issue.
You say she is very nice - why not get to know her a bit better, maybe go out for a drink together now and again? Once you discover more common ground you are likely to see that she is a person with good points and bad points like everyone else.
She will probably be thrilled to have an experienced mother like you around for advice and support if and when she starts a family.

you are comparing your insides with her outsides iykwim

She probably has as many insecurities and worries as you do but she hides them well!

(just a quick note, she doesn't MAKE you feel insecure, you feel insecure when you compare yourself to her, there is a big difference!)

I would just concentrate on you and your life and not worry about comparing yourself with someone else, we can all do it and it is not productive or useful to us in any way (as you can see)

What she does or doesn't do really has no bearing on your life.

Completely agree with petronellapinkpants (love the 'comparing your insides with her outsides' line)

You have said that she is lovely and nice and all that and it is nothing she does necessarily (her husband sounds like a bit of a dick though) ... so really you need to look at yourself and try and increase your self esteem a bit here ... stop comparing yourself as that is just making you feel worse.

Message withdrawn

Agree with PPP. I think you have to accept that you will have many many qualities that she envies and try not to dwell on anything about her, or yourself, that you can't change.

Focus on your career change, on making yourself happy, on what a great job you're doing bringing up your ds, and on what a lovely person you are.

And as for her having children, always remember that your ds came along first and will always be extra special because of that. (This is the case in my family even though my nan now has about 15 grandchildren!!)
You brought your ds into this world, dh's family will always love you for that, and they will always love you for being yourself.

If you believe in yourself it will shine through and everyone else will believe in you too. Stay focussed on the things you can change in order to make yourself happy. Building up a good relationship with her could be a good start too

It must be a bit annoying for your SIL to have her DH always going on about relatively shallow characteristics like youth and career. Does that mean he will love her less as she ages, and what if she wants to take a career break if she has children, will he not love and be proud of her anymore? She may have her own insecurities that you don't know about, and may envy aspects of your life.

If she's nice then I think you should make friends with her, my SIL is my ally against DH's annoying family and I love her even though DH often mentions the ways in which she is "better" than me when we visit. Sometimes he even says things in front of her about how I could be more like her (mostly in the context of being more polite to his mother) and SIL and catch each other's eyes and giggle.

some really good advice here, thanks,
It is my bil banging on about her - not her in herself - it's his showing off about her which makes me feel it's pointed at me in some way (however subconsciously).

But she is lovely and we get on well and I can't complain about her. I like him a lot too - I just don't understand why he hasn't grown out of some of this puerile behaviour!

But these posts have cheered me up big thanks