Struggling to forgive

[Curtains77]

Hi everyone - will try to be concise and factual and would really value people's opinions - I know MNterrs have always helped me with perspective in the past.
DH married 9 years , 3 children. we have had problems in the past with emotional and financial abuse crossing over onto the physical on a couple of occasions - think shoving , pinning , pushing grabbing in anger. At the worst point, DH was arrestedfor assault , we separated. Had counselling individually, reconciled, was going okay.
Fast forward 18months and we had a sum of money when he was made redundant , some cleared our collective debt and the rest has been spent on various things. DH always had control of the money. He started contracting , money was brilliant, we moved to a better house bought new car. DH lost contract and has been unable to find work since. I went back to work freelance to keep us afloat - but only just considering our hiked outgoings. I have to work away in the week , home at weekends . I was already cross that he spends money like water and did not consider consequences which were far reaching. I miss my kids , he mostlyhates being at home all the time and will admit he is just not very good at it. I think he is depressed , but hard to tell as he has always had an issue with the drink and uses it as a prop. I found out that he took out a couple of payday loans a few weeks ago and did not discuss or tell me. I only found out as I accidentally found an email on the family iPad. he also borrowed money from his mum . so we have no savings or safety net and he has incurred more debt. Let alone not told me about it.
he is really sorry and is promising to move on , give me all the financial stuff to deal with. He thinks we should move back to our old house with lower bills etc and more sustainable but I just feel so cheated and I feel so bitter that we had an opportunity to fresh start and now we are thinking about going backwards , literally and figuratively and I just don't know if I can rely on him , trust him and his decision making and I cannot for love nor money decide what to do.
He says I am looking back at the past and I need to forgive so we can move on but I feel like I have hit a brick wall. I have been home this week and all we have done is argue. I feel like a crazy woman . i am not craving money it's security and I don't think I have it in me to regroup our marriage again . I resent him as all of his actions have had big repercussions.i am no Angel (every time we talk we argue and I shout and he shouts back) but I am really really struggling. Am I a bitter materialistic cow ? hope have made sense and post is not too long

I don't understand why you got back with him. OK, I guess I can understand that, whilst I believe it is a lost cause for 99.9% of abuse victims, you desperately wanted to make it worked and hoped he could go through a transformation. He hasn't. Some of the abuse may have toned down but it's still who he is and he's still making you miserable. He always will.

You don't need to forgive and he sure as hell hasn't earned the right to be forgiven. By his actions,it's clear that he doesn't care about you nor about the family. It's all about him and always will be, he's selfish right down to the core of his DNA. You cannot change him but you can change your situation and build a new life where he can no longer drag you down.

that is probably true. But the failing is what i striggle with . if i leave i am choosing my own hapoiness/sanity over mychildrens as they will be devastated. he is an arse but generally fine with the kids. I am getting that Mumsnet feeling - where I ask for opinions and advice and receive it but it makes me panicky and angry.

Why would they be devastated, that is your own perception and not theirs. He is not a good dad to his children if he has been and continues to act like an arse towards you. His primary relationship it could also be argued is with drink.

if i leave i am choosing my own hapoiness/sanity over mychildrens as they will be devastated.

Staying for the sake of the children is one of the most common reasons, or excuses, for victims to stay in abusive relationships. However, there is rarely just one reason to stay and making it selflessly all about the children is much softer on the conscience than fear of change, fear of retaliation, fear of not being able to cope alone.

As parents we owe it to our kids to do our best for them and make sacrifices, but there must be limits. Can I ask you to play a game of "what if" in your mind? What if you found out that your own mother had been subjected to a life of abject misery by your own father but had stayed with him solely for your sake? Would you be happy that she'd made that sacrifice? Would you be pleased and think it was quite right that she should have endured so much, sacrificed any chance of happiness, just to give you the mirage of a happy family?

If you leave him your children may be shocked, they may even be devastated for a period of time. However, they may be much less surprised than you think and are probably more aware of how shit their parents relationship is than you give them credit for. Either way, they will adapt and they will survive. They can still have a relationship with their dad regardless of you all living together, that is down to him.

But an important part of your children's happiness is being able to provide for them and give them a stable home. He is hampering that with his behaviour.

I don't think anyone reasonable would see this as you prioritising yourself. You're clearly agonising about this decision. He is much keener on doing what happens to work for him personally too. The old house being so near the pub would be a big offputting factor for me.

after we separated before his family will be up in arms

They can step in and offer some real help, then, if it bothers them that much.

You’ve knocked down and weathered the storm more than once for him already.

Life is way too short to spend constantly having to work at things/situations he’s created.

Financial abuse
Emotional abuse
Physical abuse
Drinking
Money issues
Job issues
Doesn’t like being at home

How many more ‘weathering of the storms’ does he expect you to do? time for some ‘you’ time Op

thank y9u for your posts - he is home. I told him that I don't wants to move back to the old house.i told him why. He knows - he was really angry and said if I got woth anyone else he would kill them . then he calmed down an is , as I type, crying upstairs. Weirdly, i don't feel anything. Just a nagging sense of relief that have said it out loud. Afyer trying to mitigate and minimise everything , trying to shift the blame to others, me, work etc he broke down and has attributed and traced everything back to the drink. He has promised - before he went upstairs - to stop drinking from now. I said I don't know if I have it in me to support him through this - or if i want to . I can also not guarantee the marriage would be saved by the end of the 4 weeks. what would you do ? judging by the lack of feeling now , i probably wouldn't. Would I regret it if I did not give him this one last chance? thank you too true and blue dog for the advice xx not sure xx

sorry- and thank you butterymuffin too xxx

The work you go away for, are you able to move their with your DC? Because if that is an option, get yourself sorted financially and be ready to move if you want/need/can.

he was really angry and said if I got woth anyone else he would kill them . then he calmed down an is , as I type, crying upstairs.

I hope you can see this for the controlling behaviour that it is and not be swayed by it. It's textbook abusive controlling behaviour and I expect you've been subjected to it countless times before. The threat of violence, even if it's against a hypothetical third party and not yourself, is a reminder of his capacity for violence should you step out of line. The crying should not be mistaken for regret or sorrow. It's being used as a tool to elicit sympathy from you for him, again to ultimately bring you into line and back under his control. He is not the victim or the injured party here, please do not let him persuade you that he is.

Would I regret it if I did not give him this one last chance?

Not as much as if you continue to allow him an endless cycle of repeated last chances. Surely you can see that he's had more than enough of them? He will never change. He might ease off the gas for a bit, he might change tactics, but he will never change.

He has had more than enough chances from you and he has blown them all. He won't stop drinking either.

You cannot save him but you can and should save your own self here and your kids from a life of further misery with him.

And what TooTrueToBeGood wrote earlier also.

Tears can be manipulative; he is trying to play you again.

He’d have stopped drinking already if he could. I’m sorry but he’s had enough chances already. It’s a knee jerk reaction from him.

If he’s truely sorry then he’ll move himself away, leave you alone and ‘if’ there’s a chance of reconciliation he needs to prove to you he’s sorted his shit out. But I’d not be helping him this time, itssimething he needs to do on his own

You can separate and he can focus on his recovery. You don't have to make any binding decisions now.

However, if he is actually serious about stopping drinking, you could expect him to do some of the following:

• go to see his GP to discuss options and have his liver function checked
• be open with people and tell them he's stopped drinking and why
• avoid places and situations which can trigger his desire to drink
• attend counselling or self-help groups like AA

I don't think you'll see any of these.

Imho, you seem susceptible to shame, or to being shamed. This is founded in caring, perhaps too much, of what others think.

They can spew forth all sorts on their opinions...but you do not have to listen to any of it. Your financial stability/security is on the balance with the shame...
Financial security should outweighs tantrum rants every single time. Their rants are just sound waves floating around- do not let them affect you anymore.

He/they (his family) are playing your niceness against you. To actively not listen to someone may be rude. But in this case it is an essential element of self defense. Speak to the hand, because no other part of me is going to listen.

Why does his opinion hold so much weight for you? He has fucked up monumentally numerous times. He pretty much has zero credibility at this point.

So his family butt their noses in...that’s so they won’t have him on their hands.
I bet they don’t pony up for any of his debts. Why should you continue to do so?

Now it is the alcohol’s fault. It sounds like he just doesn’t want to take responsibility for anything. Arrested development? Failure to emancipate? This is not a good role model for your dc.

No not arrested development etc, just plain old bog standard addict.

You will never ever win with an addict. Never. He's going to stop drinking eh? Blah blah blah

BTW I also stayed for the children - and in the end I left for the children. You're leaving your children with an addict for the majority of their week

hi everyone xx apologies I was on q late shift and was straight to bed when I got home .I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to comment - and writing advice for me. I promise I take it all in and on-board. i will keep you posted how it goes- at the moment I just feel numb and tired . But I am really grateful to u all , truly xx