I need some perspective

[Tryingtomakeitright]

Hi everyone. In a nutshell my wife an I are in trouble. She says she doesn’t love me anymore and I’m not sure why. My guesses would be lack of attention, fun, romance all the usual (which I only found out through reading a ton of online help articles). Any ho, my problem is this.. she hasn’t left and we are talking, but only on polite terms. I want to be able to communicate with her to discuss what’s going on. She has stonewalled me emotionally and is completely withdrawn, which leaves me in a situation where I’m scared to bring up our relationship through fear that she will see this as an attack or just me trying to change how she feels about me.. to be honest it’s up to her to find out if there can be love again but I really want to help her by changing me. Other than my kids This is my priority number 1 rn. The only problem is I really don’t want this marriage to end and am scared to approach her.. what would the best plan Of action be?

The first thing I would ask her, is if she is thinking of leaving. You need to know what she is going to do. My husband also told me this, and he left. For me it turned out he had someone else, but not everyone is the same. You need to know if she is going to try and keep your marriage going. Second I would say, why do you think you need to change? Why help her to change you? Yes you can find out what has gone wrong, but maybe over time her feelings have just changed, so be careful in blaming yourself. This is your life she has put a bomb under, so please, don't be afraid to ask her the questions you deserve to know the answers to. Lastly, if I have learnt anything.....don't run after her, it will do you know favours and will just push her away more....but ask her what you want to know, you need to know.

I get why you're scared to bring it up, but you need to accept that this isn't just going to magically go away, so you have to deal with it. The only thing you can do is talk to her and see if there's any hope (relate or similar couples therapy?) or if she has already made up her mind, in which case all you can do is try to amicably sort out the details of your separation.

Ok so... she said she is just seeing how it goes.. this to me seems like the pressure is all on me which is ok I can handle it. It at some point she must realise it is a two way street right? Should I bite my tongue and carry on changing myself? Or do I need to let her know that it’s also down to her to accept change?

Seeing how it goes? That's a shitty way to be treated isn't it. Basically she's telling you she's pretty much checked out of the relationship, but she's not ready to actually leave. You can't tell her she has to accept change - she doesn't have to accept anything. But you can say no to this limbo of a half relationship. I'd leave now, be kind, be sensible and sort out divorcing and co-parenting, but don't try to continue the relationship, as she's clearly not on board. It may be she changes her mind once she has a chance to miss what she had. Or maybe you'll both move on and see you're better off apart. I personally wouldn't just hang on while the marriage died a death tbh, sounds soul destroying.

Understand what you're going through. I know everyone's not the same but my OH told me a few months ago the same thing- has been emotionally distancing for a while. Like you, I took his criticisms of me and agreed I needed to change- & tried, despite very little effort from him just comments about how he wasn't sure what he wanted.
Then two weeks ago i discovered the evidence that he was embarking on a physical affair having become increasingly emotionally attached for some time- basically while detaching from me.
This is obviously very new for me and I know isn't necessarily the same for you but I do know that talking is the only way you'll get an idea of what's really happening. Not accusatory- she may well be completely innocent of anything untoward- but in a way that lets her know you can't go on with uncertainty.
The more information you have the better you can plan or work things out.
Good luck

It's not going to fix itself...so I suggest marriage counselling or make steps to separate.

It's not nice to tell your spouse you don't love them...without giving a reason.

If you live in fear of a divorce she'll use that against you. The fact that you're scared to bring it up is a bit of a red flag.

Is she a difficult person? Does she have a bad temper and always blame others? Does she ever apologise?

It could be that she has checked out of the marriage and has been having an affair.

Don't be gripped by fear.

She either wants to fix things or not.

Thanks guys I have told her I want to talk to her tomorrow (tine to prepare I guess).. I have no reason to suspect an affair so I have to trust she hasn’t when she said she hasn’t... I will try to get some answers from her, she isn’t a bad person and she has always kept stuff inside.. she never gets angry or punishes me for wrongs that I have done she just withdraws.. I have to find out what is going on in her head before anything else can happen... thanks guys wish me luck!

Ok soooo we had the talk a little earlier than I planned... I told her that it wasn’t fair to keep me holding on to false hope etc.. we had a discussion and the end result was that she is prepared to try and make some changes, I.e being more open and talking more. We need to just get over the awkwardness of the situation but I’m not sure how?? It feels very unnatural atm.. we discussed what and where it went wrong and what we should have done differently.. hopefully this is a new beginning and hopefully we can work it out.. I just need to figure out my insecurities rn. Thanks for the advice.

Can you get time together on your own?

Cliche as it sounds we do date night. Every week. Get dressed up. Go out.

Might be deeper for you both but it's a start.

I suggested dating but to be fair to her she said things were too awkward at the moment. I agree with this so I think family time with the boys is where we should focus our attention. We have. A holiday coming up soon so just being with her and the boys will be good, hopefully for all of us. Once the awkwardness is broken things will be clearer of how they might turn out.

Instead of dating why don't you do a sport together. Less awkward and fun.

Great idea thanks!

A few people have suggested couples counselling - is this something you'd be open to?

I am talking to a councillor but she doesn’t want to talk with a stranger so it’s a no go for her.. I wish she would but I’m not going to badger her about it.