I'm unhappy but I'm not going to leave. Why do we do this?

[WellAndTrulyUsed]

I am not happy in my relationship. I'm 6 months pregnant. Me and DP own a house together which we bought a few months ago. He has a child, 8, and we were happy initially. Until we moved in together...

He does no cleaning. I do most of the important stuff with his child (he does the fun stuff), I tidy up the house, his clothes sit in a pile unless I put them away (he may do it a week later), he's snappy, he gets annoyed by tiny little things, he hasn't even noticed that in pregnant and doesn't seem to think I need any help, moaned about hospital parking when we were waiting at an appointment where we were told our baby may not be ok (priorities?), he has no ambition, does nothing but work (ok he does work hard) and play games, then does fun stuff with his child when they are at ours. Never bought me flowers without me asking, or even a gift without it being my birthday (in fact birthday before last he forgot to get me anything), we haven't had sex for months.I could go on, and on, and on...

I'm not asking for advice on what to do. I know I should leave, I know it likely won't get better, I know this baby won't fix things, and I know that in 1, 2, 3 years time I will probably still be with him.

I'm here to discuss why we do this. Why SO many women know they should leave but don't. Why it is so hard to give an ultimatum. I'm at rock bottom. These should be the best times of my life but in reality, they've been some of the worst as I feel so, so taken for granted and used.

I've talked about this with him so many times, how he takes me for granted and I do so much whilst he does fuck all. It just goes in one ear and out of the other. Why do I own a house with this man and why are we having a baby together? I am so, so down. I'm just numb.

You need to ask yourself those questions and be honest with yourself about the answers. What did you learn about relationships when growing up, why is your relationship bar been and remains so very low here?

Fear of the unknown, fear of him, money problems and the sunken costs fallacy amongst other reasons can all play a role here in people being unable and perhaps even unwilling to leave relationships that should have ended long before.

You do not need to give him an ultimatum but if you did such things can only be issued once. They lose all their power otherwise if repeated.

Why do you think you will still be with him in a year's time; is this all you think you and your as yet unborn child deserve?

I would seriously consider giving this child your surname too rather than his.

Wellandtruly - if you want reasons, pop over to the Aspergers Husband thread, where there's a whole host of us listing our partner's faults and reasons why we won't leave!

If the good generally outweighs the bad, then we stay. It's when the bad becomes ALL of life, that's when we go.

@AttilaTheMeerkat he's downstairs now and I'm upstairs crying in our bedroom. I have a severe anxiety disorder and OCD. I was sexually assaulted by my ex and my ex after that cheated on me with my friend. My ex after that also cheated on me. I feel worthless and like I could never do better. I am tired. I think I may have some form of depression. My best friend died suddenly last year. I am a broken woman and am numb to absolutely everything. I think this is why I cannot leave and know that I won't.

@Zaphodsotherhead I don't think there is any good. I can't think of anything. He's attractive and I adore his daughter. There's just nothing else. Will have a look at that thread now...

I think I'm having a crisis. In this moment right now I don't know what to do. I feel like I need a drink, or some sort of escape, just something. I don't want to talk to him, or leave, I just want this all to go away for one night and to just sleep, get up for work and feel rested.

You sound very low. Can you see your gp or midwife and see what support you can get?

Stop doing things for him .............stop communicating ,start ignoring him until he starts getting serious.........make him desperate to talk to him which you can do by ignoring his 8 years old child and him ........ I know this is harsh but this is the only way to make him understand your condition

Archilpnd’s advice is terrible. Don’t do that. Very few people have ever ‘learnt their lesson’ by being taught a lesson.

You don’t sound very well OP and I’m really not surprised. You’ve been through a lot. Pregnancy is quite a vulnerable time and you probably feel like you need looking after. Your partner isn’t doing that and you feel hurt and let down.

Speak to your GP or midwife. It sounds like you’d benefit from some kind of counselling or therapy to work through where you are at.

Well NC4now , so you want her to be a slave for the rest of her life until their children get married .........in a life , everybody has to fight for themselves ..its a bitter truth of life, so to make her marriage work ,she has to become harsh for the time being .............if she dont, she will be suppressed for years .........and i dont want that

Give him an ultimatum - either he pulls his weight around the house or you split up and he'll have two children he only sees part time.

I know this is harsh but this is the only way to make him understand your condition

I’m glad you are so clueless on this topic hence giving out such naive advice.

He knows exactly what he’s doing and yet chooses to do so.

Of course NC4Now wants what’s best for the OP Archilpnd7 but is clearly far more aware and realistic than you in knowing that this isn’t bad behaviour needing retraining, but actually a campaign of abuse. The OP’s situation will change only from her improving herself enough to be able to break free from a man who is abusive, rather than the futile route of trying to fix an abuser.

No, I don’t want the OP to be oppressed. Don’t be ridiculous.

She needs help and support to rebuild her self esteem and develop healthy communication, to enable her to either leave the relationship or renegotiate it on terms which work for her. There’s a lot of trauma to work through too.

OP, sorry this turned into a bun fight. I really hope you keep posting and can seek out some support IRL.

Do you see your midwife any time soon?

Yeah right joysmum......certainly you dont know about human psychology ..........you want the OP to win years long fight without certainty of freedom.........she is doing all household chores so do you think she is getting any time for herself to improve..............when she will have her child , it will become more tough due to her husbands negligence........that guy wont even seem to care for her during this time as she is pregnant...........its now or never ........i dont want her to be trapped in this marriage .......my methods do seem immature but they actually work in such cases ........

Can you access some counselling sessions? I would explore that option urgently for two reasons. One, you need to be able to understand why and how things are as they are and two, you need to be able to deal with these issues (as they emerge with the help of a good counsellor) ready to put in some personal boundaries for yourself from these baby steps will come a growing confidence in yourself and too, a growing understanding of why things are as they are.
You have to be strong now and make the right choices for you and the baby. You and the baby come first now.
This should be the happiest of times for you.