ExH not initiating divorce as intended

[Geraniumsunset]

I don’t want to divorce, did not trigger it; my husband has said, stood by and acted in accordance with his wishes of wanting a divorce EXCEPT he’s not started the process, will not respond to the information I have shared with him in order to get this thing started. I need to divorce in order to have closure, otherwise I can fall into a romanticised way of thinking about it all coming good - realistically that is a totally stupid fantasy. We have been separated for two years so it’s time. Is there an alternative way of considering this conundrum or do I swallow my pride, get a loan to pay for the process and, as usual, sort this shit out? Typical!

Well even if he initiated it you will need proper legal advice, so why not sort that out now and instruct them to get things started?

There is no benefit or disadvantage WHATSOEVER to initiating or not a divorce

So why don’t you?

Isn't there a thing that after 3 years separated you can apply without giving a reason i.e irreconcilable differences.

But why wait, the cause or person at fault doesn't make a bit of difference to the settlement and nobody will ever ask you about it again

Well you need to decide if you want a divorce or not . If you do or think you do then see a solicitor . If you've been separated for two years you can apply for divorce , don't need a reason and as long as he agrees then it can go ahead . Why has he stalled ? Do you have kids ? What does he stand to lose financially ?

My ex did this same once he realised I wasn't arsed either way and he couldn't annoy me by initiating one. In the end initiated it and it felt great. It felt like my choice. You'll be glad to get it done. Take back control!

Initiate yourself.

Get it done.

Is it because he’s hiding assets? Does he have lots of cash that he doesn’t want you to get access too?

Appreciate your responses. I guess it is simply the money. I don’t earn very much and the cost will be a significant dent in my savings or loan.

I’m also being stubborn, using it as a way to keep some contact (grovelling), keeping a false hope it could be any other way. Also, the fact I’m finishing off his ‘intentions’ yet again is the line - stepping across it means I have to acknowledge he doesn’t give a shit either way and he’s wet. I think it’ll unleash a mass of vitriol that I’ve been storing up for the past two years.

But simply I resent having to spend the money and still caring (naively).

To answer

Hidden assets - um ... I’m the one with ‘small’ hidden assets . As in any divorce we’ll have to split our pensions 50/50. I had a windfall quite early into our marriage which I shared 50/50 but I feel strongly that my career suffered by following his career and moving, so not inclined to share any more cash as I already face a much financially reduced future.

Intentionally irritating by stalling - never thought of him in this regard. Always thought of him as being ‘wet’.

Well legal advice is going to cost you anyway. The additional cost of applying for the decree nisi is nominal and starts the ball rolling.

Your solicitor will encourage you to declare all of your assets. Equity, pensions and savings will all go into the pot. You'll have your opportunity to argue that you deserve more than 50% due to an impaired career.

www.gov.uk/get-help-with-court-fees

If you have a low income or are in receipt of certain benefit you may get help financially.

And there’s the nub of it. He’s prompted this situation, is indifferent to finishing off the task, I’ll get it sorted, bear the cost and now have to worry about his claim on my finances even though I am the one in a financially precarious position as I near retirement. I think I’m scared of the level of resentment this process could release. If he does the job I could go along with it in some sort of haze of similar indifferent cooperation and I guess not have to face up to the reality of the process and what is expected.

This sorted happened to me
We agreed to a no blames split and agreed to divorce after 2 years. ( I didn't want to split)
We did fairy split the assets and sort out child maintenance out easily without a solicitor.
We hadn't been married long a
But after 2 years I waited for him to apply for the divorce .,., but despite having moved in with his exit affair no petition came.
I just don't think he wanted to married her lol
Anyway then I met someone
Quite quickly I knew it was serious. So I had to divorce him lol
I did get legal aid though.
What should have been the easiest divorce in history- no blame, assets and maintenance sorted years before dragged on for nearly a year - my solicitor didn't get it.
(My ex really did not want to have to marry her ) .
He really dragged his feet I

If you initiate divorce there is a tick box on the form to claim the divorce costs (not your legal costs) back from your xh.

You will need to apply for the divorce, then agree split of assets then finalise the divorce so it is done in stages. You can find out more on the process online. Gov.uk has some resources (assuming you are in th UK) or wikivorce should have everything you need to know.

If you stay married he retains a claim on any assets including those you got after you split (and you can claim on his too) and equally you will still be jointly responsible for debts. Any split ahold also take into account future needs so if you are earning less you may get a greater proportion of assets, but you need proper advice.

Why not see if any local divorce lawyers will do a free half hour consultation? Do your research before and go in with any specific questions. you then know what happens and can take it further or not.

All good advice. Had a consultation with a solicitor who was very straight - everything 50/50. In light of comments here I don’t consider he’d properly enquired about my personal circumstances.

If everyone took their legal advice from Mumsnet they'd all be out looking for 'shit hot' divorce lawyers who'll get them spousal maintenance and Mesher orders, no problem.

You've already been separated for some time, you don't mention kids or a significant wage gap, so I don't know why you don't think 50/50 is appropriate.

Hont- point well made. I put a lot of money into the marriage; took jobs that impeded progression in favour of children and now in a financially reduced circumstances as a consequence. Just can’t share any more financially with H as I look to
a relatively financially insecure future/retirement.

The starting point is 50/50 and you can argue that you need more to ensure parity, but of course no guarantee that the courts will agree with you op. Would be better if you could thrash something out between you first to save hours of legal fees, better for both of you, though of course may not be possible.