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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My ex has gone barmy!

28 replies

Rollyrollyrollyrolly · 17/07/2018 18:19

Hello all I posted a few weeks ago about my now ex bf.
Ill try and cut a long story short and recap as I can't find that thread. TLDR at bottom

Basically had been together 12 months ish. All was well very normal stable relationship. He had a lot more money than me as I am a single mum and only work two days a week. He has a son but is single and lives in a flat above his mum's shop and works full time for decent money so other than his food and his son his money so has a lot of disposable income. I am on the breadline and barely make ends meet every month.

He text me a few weeks ago (reason I originally posted) saying he had bought some new designer clothes, I replied along the lines of it makes me feel like shit when you rub your designer shit in my face and I have to choose between shoes for DD and food for me.

His reply to that was I that I'm clearly a gold digger and he deserves better than me.

This sent me into a bit of a free fall where I thought I should apologise. I did. He dumped me by text the next day literally just said "it's over sorry" I tried to ring him and he hung up I text him saying don't you think I at least deserve a conversation and he said "yeah but there's no point" I ignored that message and moved on. Turned my upset into anger.

Fast forward to now. We used to work together but he got a new job 2 weeks before we split. He has been texting my colleagues telling them I'm a crazy psycho gold digging bitch and they should be careful around me, including my boss who he was good friends with (wtf??) He has blocked me off all social media and what's app etc. (I had a little Facebook stalk which is how I know that and my WhatsApp reinstalled and he's gone off there too so presuming I'm blocked haven't actually tried to contact him)

Since we split I text him once to ask if he wanted a load of stuff he'd left at mine and then again to ask him to remove me from his car insurance, it saved him £600 to put me on it and it was a new policy about 3 weeks before we split, yes I was feeling a bit petty but also didn't want my insurance affected if he crashed etc.

Anyway it's really annoying me that I'm being made out to be the crazy one! I feel like I've gone to alternate land and I don't even know this man, he is not the man I dated for a year! I want to text him and tell at him but know it won't achieve anything (and I'm probably blocked 😂) but it's also really upsetting me that he is telling people things that just aren't true and I don't understand why he is doing this.

Should I try to contact him and make him stop/reason with him/tell him what a horrible cunt he is? I know ignoring is probably best but it's so hard when he's spreading lies! I suffer really bad anxiety and now thinking people are thinking stuff like that about me in work is making me not want to go and I love my job! Do you think he's crazy or am I crazy and oblivious to it??

Sorry not sure what I'm asking and sorry it's so long! felt good getting it out though I don't really have anyone to vent to IRL.

TLDR EX dumped me out of BLUE and is now spreading nasty lies how should I respond?

OP posts:
anotherangel2 · 17/07/2018 18:25

Your text was not nice at all. It sounds like you were not compatible. Don’t contact him. If other people say anything it say something like ‘I thought/I am surprised he would make up lies or ‘there are always two sides to every story’ If people are important to you and good people they wont believe his lies. If they do they are not worth bothering with.

Original poster
Rollyrollyrollyrolly · 17/07/2018 18:36

No my text wasn't very nice I accepted that then and I accept it now, however, I think I have a point. If situations were reversed I wouldn't watch him struggle whilst flouncing my new stuff. I never asked for money I asked not to be boasted to (in an arsey not nice way which I apologised for)

OP posts:
RainySeptember · 17/07/2018 19:04

I think this is just a matter of perception isn't it, and two people who are not well suited long term.

Your text wasn't nice, and it could have come across as a bit of a hint or a preoccupation with money. If I text a bf to excitedly tell them about a shopping trip and got that response, I'd have been annoyed too. If you've ever made similar comments in the past that might have contributed to his decision.

It sounds like separating was the right thing and on that front I don't blame him for blocking you on everything, it's always recommended on here.

I think it's wrong if he's bad-mouthing you though. Is that definitely what he's doing, or just discussing the separation with friends, responding to questions about why you split?

FWIW I think most people will just think 'there's two sides to every story' and leave it there. Keep being dignified and lovely, and they won't give credence to any malicious lies he might be spreading.

As an aside, is there anything at all you could do to improve your financial situation? You sound very fed up with it.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 17/07/2018 19:13

If I knew that my partner was short of money I absolutely would not expect them to be happy or excited for me if I decided to blow a load of money on designer clothes. I certainly wouldn't be calling them to brag about it.

He was insensitive and I'm not surprised you were a bit arsey. Why he's doing all this now, I can't even imagine. I would stop all contact, keep your head held high and pretty soon it'll be forgotten.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 17/07/2018 19:25

Your text wasn't nice, I'd you need more money then perhaps working more than a token two days a week should be your priority.

Depends on why he's text people, if he's just answered the reason for the split then that's his view point. If he's text when not asked then that's mean.

gottachangethename1 · 17/07/2018 19:26

He’s shown his true colours. Don’t defend yourself to others, you have nothing to justify. No more contact and congratulate yourself on being free of him.

Yokatsu · 17/07/2018 19:33

Im not sure why you apologised. If my boyfriend of a year was spending on designer clothing and telling me about it while i was struggling even with food about i might well have been ruder than you about it.

I would also take it as a really clear indicator we were on very differently pages about the relationship and its future.

I find the line "its in funny how people can have such different perspectives on things" useful.

Slumberparty · 17/07/2018 19:33

I think you just have to ignore and rise above it. If someone I knew at work was being bad mouthed by their ex I would certainly trust my own instinct and opinion of the person - not what their ex partner was saying. If you ignore then he looks like the childish one not you.
Sorry this had happened. I don't think your text was that bad . If he knows you struggle financially then him bragging about his new designer clothes is a bit cruel imo.

abbsisspartacus · 17/07/2018 19:36

If he continues he is being malicious

DragonNoodleCake · 17/07/2018 19:40

Ignore, rise above the comments, keep dignified.
I'd also be curious about the sudden change, yes you sent an arsey text but that on its own to end it and everything since after being together a year seems off to me. Starting a new job 2 weeks before is connected somehow.

Barbaro · 17/07/2018 19:45

Why are you posting about this again?

pisces7268 · 17/07/2018 19:46

He's probably upset about the breakup and that's his (awful) was of dealing with it.
Maybe leave it a bit longer til he's calmed down and try and speak to him then x

Original poster
Rollyrollyrollyrolly · 17/07/2018 19:57

barbaro because his bad mouthing me upset me. Because I don't have anyone in IRL to talk to. Because this is a public forum where people are free to post as many times about as much mundane shit as they want, equally you are free not to respond. Thank you for making me feel even better about myself though.

Thank you to everyone who responded sensibly. I think it's bothering because I don't know what went wrong so suddenly and not being able to get answers is frustrating. Writing it all helped a lot though and you are all right, I just need to stop dwelling and forget and move on.

OP posts:
abbsisspartacus · 17/07/2018 19:58

Don't speak to him or about him again clearly dodged a bullet and make sure your claiming all you are entitled to you should never have to choose between food and shoes

SantaClauseMightWork · 17/07/2018 19:59

Your text was not too bad in that situation. He was the one being insensitive and crass. If he can be that insensitive despite knowing all that you are going through, you really are well rid. And don't get me started on the drama he is causing in your workplace. Good riddance

Bellabutterfly2016 · 17/07/2018 20:09

I would phone the insurance company and remove yourself! Deffo

I did that once with an ex he hadn't removed me after 3 months!

Honeyroar · 17/07/2018 22:07

How do you know what he's been saying to others?

The only way people are going to believe what he's saying is if you give them any proof. Just tell people you're not getting involved in any mud slinging. You've broken up and moved on. Take yourself off the insurance and post/leave on his doorstep anything of his, block and move on. You may have snapped at him with your text, but he'd been tactlessly boasting about his shopping and he overreacted much more himself. He doesn't sound much of a loss.

Racmactac · 17/07/2018 22:15

I sympathise. My ex is currently telling everyone in the small town we live in that I'm a psycho and a bad mother. He's also out this all over Facebook.

I want to tell everyone the truth but I'm trying to maintain my dignity and hope that anyone that listens to his crap will get bored soon enough.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 17/07/2018 22:28

Op if he really really loved you then you overcome arguments , I have said some truly awful things to some ex’s in the heat of the moment and they have wanted to work it out with me after . This guy was not fully there for you , he is preoccupied with material things . Don’t waste anymore time thinking you messed it up because if he loved you enough then things would have been sorted and he wouldn’t be so quick to walk away . I think you had a lucky escape .

As someone else said , contact the insurance company direct and remove yourself . Time is a great healer Flowers x

dirtybadger · 17/07/2018 22:28

Rise above it. People are unlikely to believe him if they know you are youre being civil. And it doesnt matter what people who dont know you think or believe. He will tire of it eventually. Contacting him will reinforce his opinion and argument.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 17/07/2018 22:32

P.s I wouldn’t return his stuff as he hasn’t asked for it, take it to a local charity shop . Fuck him!!! X

RainySeptember · 18/07/2018 08:19

Not being able to get answers is frustrating
I can see how frustrating it is for you. It's always very hard not to be given a proper explanation or closure. I think it must have been a long time coming though, for something so trivial to be the catalyst. He may have appeared totally happy, but have been having doubts or worries of his own and this became the last straw.

Your text wasn't bad enough to break up over, so I don't think you should beat yourself up about it. If it hadn't been that, it would have been something else.

It is hard seeing someone 'waste' money when you yourself are struggling but I think it depends on the tone of his text as to whether you were right to be annoyed.

If you got a text out of the blue saying 'I just spent £800 on a jacket' then that is insensitive. If you text asking him what he was up to and he said 'out shopping, just got a Gucci jacket' then I think that's different.

Lizzie48 · 18/07/2018 09:58

He was very insensitive to be bragging about buying designer clothing, when he knows you're on the breadline. Yes, your reply was OTT, but then his reaction to it was far more so and very childish.

I would seriously ignore his bad mouthing you, I'm sure he'll get bored of that soon.

Maelstrop · 18/07/2018 10:06

I sympathise. My ex is currently telling everyone in the small town we live in that I'm a psycho and a bad mother. He's also out this all over Facebook.

That’s a police matter. Take screenshots, contact the police for advice. It’s harassment under the Telecommunications Act, only takes 2 incidences.

OP, bag up his shit, take it to his mum’s shop.