I need lots of help and support :(

[LostDignity]

A bit of a background.. I have bipolar disorder and ADHD. I struggle a lot and have been off work the past few weeks due to this.

I had a bad spell at the beginning of the year. It took me about four months to get through it and one failed relationship.

I started feeling better within myself and somehow met someone new. It was like we just clicked. Over the space of a month or two we were really happy and had a blast until one day he put an end to it all and basically said "it's not you its me". I took it very hard and I spiralled back into a depression once again. Over the past 5/6 weeks we spoke here and there, sometimes on a regular basis. He just kept saying he had lots on and needed to sort himself out. He then became more cold and distant.

Today he has blocked and deleted all forms of contact with me. I'm utterly broken and I've fallen deeper into the spiral of depression to the point I've been contemplating suicide today. My care coordinator has spoke about a hospital stay which I refused. I don't know what's going to happen next. I told her if they try to assess me or section me I'll simply fall off grid. I'm ready for that.

I'm withdrawing myself from everyone, I've deleted all social media etc.

How can one person in such a small amount of time have this effect?

Why me, wasn't I good enough?

I just can't stop crying. I've a headache before it all and I feel so lost. I'm pushing away any kind of support and I'm creating my own bubble.

I don't know what to do.

I don't have any answers really, but I have read what you said and don't want you to feel alone.

Do you have anyone else in your life?

I always make a list of really easily achievable tasks like; shower, eat a sandwich, sit by the open window and once I have finished this 'to-do list' I have a tiny sense of achievement.

I still haven't worked out how to get out of it, but I always do. You have too. You have a 100% success rate of getting through the bad days.

Sounds like a difficult time for you OP.

“How can one person in such a small amount of time have this effect?”

Because rejection is always horrible

“Why me, wasn't I good enough?”

TBH this is the reality of dating in 2018 - it is tough out there and you need a lot of resilience.

I have my son but even talking to my care coordinator today I told her that he has family who will be able to look after him and tend to all his needs because I feel like I'm failing.

Deep down I know I should have probably chose the option for a hospital stay but I just don't want to mess things up further.

Up until before I met him, everything was going well. I had just acquired a permanent job role, I was seeing friends and I was happy for the first time in a while, if a bit manic.

I just can't seem to find a way out of this depression at the moment. I've spent all day crying and I've tears in my eyes right now.

Its finally all over. I'm heartbroken

Why will a hospital stay mess things up further? It sounds to me like the alternative is just as grim and not going to help in the long term.

Heartbreak is the worst though. Perhaps you weren't ready for a relationship because as someone said, you have to be resilient.

A hospital stay can complicate a lot of things. I have a lot of upcoming events and three holidays over the next two months, two UK, one abroad.

At the time I thought I was resilient and stated I didn't want anything serious. He was the one to change my mind and look what happened. I'm so angry and hurt.

I hope it eases soon. It's the blocking and deleting that has hurt me most.

And how awful to not know why? That would send my mind into overdrive, analysing everything I ever said or did!!! It's quite cruel of this person TBH.

Are you looking forward to your upcoming trips?

I have a caravan break somewhere, a trip to Cornwall and a two week Caribbean cruise. Right now I'm not looking forward to any.

You're right it is quite cruel. He was the one who stopped everything and I only offered to be there for him for him to treat me like this. I honestly thought he was different. I should have spotted the signs earlier. Maybe he's just as much a broken man as I am a woman

No, you're probably not right now buuuuut I'd rather get over a broken heart on a Caribbean cruise with a fucking Margarita.

I wish I could bring you cake, ice cream and wine and let you moan for hours.

Maybe he is broken too - we can be selfish when we're depressed...

Rejection sucks but if you have MH issues, it sucks even harder and it’s very easy to over invest in a relationship early on if you are vulnerable.

This is a moment and you can get past it but you do need to prioritise your MH. Which means accepting support, to get you to place where you can begin to accept that it wasn’t about you not being good enough for him but rather, him realising that you were not compatible long term. I think he made the right call and as cruel as being blocked may feel, the alternative, would have been stringing you along. If he had stayed in contact, there’s a very good chance you would have viewed that as potential for a future together.

Be kind to yourself and take all the support that is offered.

Wether you accept it or not, you would have viewed continued communication as a

—Wether you accept it or not, you would have viewed continued communication as a—. Ignore the last line.

Why would you rather fall off the grid rather than be assessed? (Asking gently - just want to hear what is happening in your head.)

Why me, wasn't I good enough?

I have had thoughts like this.

Remember, my love, that literally THE most beautiful woman in the world, the most accomplished, the most charming, the loveliest, the cleverest, has had someone (probably multiple someones) not want to be with her.

I'm thinking of Eva Longoria, Cheryl Tweedy/Cole, I could keep going for multiple pages! And those are just the ones whose stories made it to the press.

I guess the way to think of it is - you are not the exception to the rule - you're going through something that almost everyone goes through. It hurts like fuck though. That part can't be argued with.

Try to take the help that's offered you. xx

I think I'm just going to have to suck it up and learn from experience. As much as it hurts I guess it is time for me to move on. He was the one that was keen at the beginning but since he started struggling and having problems he just checked out.

Today has literally broken me. It's the reality of it all and that I'll never see him again. I offered to be there for him but he never opened up.

I need to focus on myself now. I need to get my mental health back on track and find a way out of this. I just don't know how right at this moment in time.

I don't want to go to a mental health unit. Nor do I want to be sectioned. I don't believe I'm that much of a risk. Even though it all seems blurry right now I know I'll get through. My meds have recently been changed but I may get another consultant review soon. Something needs to change

It's ok to grieve for this person. Hang on to the thought that the feelings you are having will fade and become more manageable. But just not for a while yet. It's a process that you need to go through.

You don't know that you'll never see him or speak to him again, you have no idea what the future holds! You might meet someone on your cruise or this guy might want you back in the future.
I was with my ex for over a year and we broke up 2 months ago, I was gutted and really upset at the thought of never spending time with him again. We're now pretty much back together so please try to think of the future rather than how upset you are at the moment x

He's adamant everything is over and has been pretty clear about this. His words were there is no future, no meeting up and no rethinking anything.

It literally breaks my heart to read that.

My ex said the same. He was unhappy in our relationship due to arguing and wanted to be single and couldn't imagine wanting to be with me. Time changes everything, if it doesn't change how he feels it will certainly change how you feel. It always seems so much worse at the time but you'll look back on this in a few months and wonder why you were so upset about it, start looking forward to your holidays I'm jealous as I don't have a single one planned! x