Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Trying to be sensible with new relationship

15 replies

CYPreference · 17/07/2018 08:29

My choice in men has never been great, I guess it was ok apart from last one who was controlling and emotionally abusive. I just didn't see it at the time. Thats in the past and I have been single for 2 years, in my 40's with 2 kids. I am independent, have own house, car and just massively struggled to get myself through uni and re-train and now have a well paid job. Things are all good for a change!

I have been having quotes for various works on the house and one of the guys that came just made me feel all funny and stuff inside. He was gentle, handsome in a manly sort of way (!) and he just did it for me. I haven't feel like this in 2 years so was a bit of a shock. Anyway, over the next few weeks we messaged over the job and then he sent me a text saying he'd finished the design for me and could he take me out for a drink to discuss. I was very shocked! I said yes.

So last week we met and it turns out he has only very recently split from wife of 15 years, and literally just moved out house. That's fine, bit soon but not my business.

I guess the concerns are that he is saying he is fed up of his business and going to sell his assets and do something else. He doesn't know what yet, has always been self-employed and done very well. He says he wants to simplify his life and he doesn't have great work ethic. I struggle with that.. I've always worked hard. He has an additional source of income and will prob look to work for someone else for a couple of days a week in meantime.

He;s looking for a house to rent, one of the kids will remain with him. I guess the main thing which I've left til last is drink. He said his wife would flip if he came in and had a cold beer after a days work. He was only allowed out once a week. Stuff like that. He has been drinking a lot, which might be a new found freedom.....

Thoughts anyone?

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 17/07/2018 08:33

So you've been for one drink with this guy?!

I mean there's nothing wrong with being sensible but you are massively overthinking things here. Go slowly and if there are red flags don't ignore them but do try and relax a bit!

ShatnersWig · 17/07/2018 08:36

Thoughts on what? You're calling this a new relationship already when as far as I can see all you've had is one date, during which he appears to be criticising his very recent ex. And and you think - despite only seeing him once - he's drinking a lot.

Potential red flags all over the shop. Mostly from, but also from you if you aren't seeing these potential flags yourself (when you admit you haven't been great with your choice of men and think this is already a new relationship).

dirtybadger · 17/07/2018 08:43

He has only just moved out. Thats enough IMO. He isnt ready to jumo into anothwr relationship even if he might think he is. I wouldnt go out with him again.

The other stuff also dont sound good. Leave him to it.

CYPreference · 17/07/2018 08:43

I've been out for the evening with him and then we went out for lunch date yesterday. I asked why he split from wife, and he was talking about the relationship which he said he basically felt mothered by her and gave those as some examples.

I know I'm probably overthinking and need to chill.... but I am also nervous as last time there were red flags (much more than this) and I chose to ignore

If you want to know why I think he's drinkign a lot - last Wednesday he sent text at 3am re going out.... yes, he was drunk but said it was only then he got the courage. Thursday night, he is out drinking again. Friday night, we had several drinks and food, and then he went home and drank til 5am on his own as he needed to think, saturday night he was out til 1am with friends. Sunday, he stayed in. yesterday he said he wasn't going to drink but met friend at a pub for 7pm. I don't know how many he had but was going for a pizza after a couople of hours.... to me thats a bloody lot!

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 17/07/2018 08:47

Maybe his wife only let him out one night a week and flip out if she caught him with a beer because he has a serious drinking problem?

Regardless of whether that is true or not, I wouldn't want to be around someone that drank that much.

How many flags waving in your face do you need to see?

CYPreference · 17/07/2018 09:01

I think she possibly did. I have made it clear that I don't like heavy drinking, and the last person I went on a few dates with it became clear he had a drink issue and I ended it.
We are going out for dinner tomorrow night.... i guess I'll watch the drinking over the next week and if it continues it'll be a no from me.

OP posts:
CYPreference · 17/07/2018 09:02

Just wondered what others thought about work ethic.... i guess its a personal thing but I struggle with that. The cynical part of me thinks is it a ploy to not pay child maintenance....

OP posts:
Toohotme · 17/07/2018 09:05

Well it’s not looking great is it? I would reserve judgement perhaps for one more date but that does sound a lot of drinking especially alone in the middle of the night.

SoapOnARoap · 17/07/2018 10:16

What he chooses to do is frankly down to him & none of your business. You’re responsible however for your actions.

Think you are being way too cynical. Not everyone will see things as black & white as you.

user1486956786 · 17/07/2018 10:24

Sorry but if you've only been on two dates and you are already on MN with concerns, I'd probably stop now!

LadyMofMtsensk · 17/07/2018 21:26

Drinking alone until 5am? Nope.

category12 · 17/07/2018 21:32

Drank til 5am cos he needed to think? Hmm

Joy69 · 17/07/2018 21:39

It'd be a no from me. My now ex used to drink like this. I didn't notice at first because most people have a drink with a meal, or weekend drink etc. If you're worried about his alcohol consumption now, it' ll get worse, as will the drunk texts at stupid times of night. They will change to & become abusive. I was constantly let down with the pretence of him being tired, but really he'd had a drink & couldn't drive. Dont go down that route, it doesn't mean they're not nice people, but will always let you down.

Singlenotsingle · 17/07/2018 21:53

Keep it light, "just good friends" until you know more about him. No exchange of bodily fluids (that's when emotions get more deeply involved), no hurry, no thinking long term... It's not looking good for several reasons that you're already aware of ...

CYPreference · 18/07/2018 20:57

Well, he sent me text to say he's gone back to wife and kids...... WTF, however really likes me and would like to keep seeing me. My reply was simply fuck off
wow
lucky escape there....jeez his poor wife

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page