How on earth do you get rid of the anger?!

[brucebogtrotter]

Husband left for another woman earlier this year. Unfortunately we still have to be in contact, as we have a son.
I am so, so full of anger and rage about what he's done. I don't want to be; I want to heal and feel better, but I just seem to be stuck. I can't sleep, and I've lost so much weight. It's eating me up. I feel consumed by hatred for him, and her.
I know there are probably no easy answers, but somebody, please, help me with this...

You probably won’t like me saying this....but honestly? It was time that did it for me. Took nearly a year and even then I didn’t let go of all of the anger until my ex cheated again on the woman he left me for (nearly 2.5 years later)- because it made me realise it wasn’t me, it was him.

It must be harder for you because you have to see each other and not only has he affected your life, but your sons as well. That must be hard to accept.

If he’s done it before he will do it is highly likely he will do it again OP. Karmas a bitch and all that.

Earlier this year? Give yourself a chance!

Even I feel intensely angry at what he /they have done and I don't know you from Adam (actually, Eve).

Ime of all-consuming anger, I made a meal of it. I fantasised about all the terrible things I could do to him that could happen to him - torture etc. It was the only thing that calmed me down.

A great wrong has been done to you and it is absolutely fitting for you to quake with rage. Go for it. It will run its course eventually - but not before its time. Ime I was intensely angry for a long time - at least a year, probably five two.

Anger is healthy. Let it roll. Be like that woman at the end of that film (with Ian McKellen in) whose eyes go black and she powers the world for a bit. Failing that, do some kick-boxing or get a baseball bat and smash his head in with it wack the fuck out of your bed with it. It all helps. Gradually you will know what to do with the anger, how to channel it. But ime it would be disastrous to push it down - it's got to come out.

Be kind to your dear self. My heart goes out to you Bruce

Took me long enough to get this and photo not great but you get the gist

I echo both the above.

Time is actually what helps. I read somewhere it takes at least 1 month for every year you were together to get over a break-up (& that is magnified if they leave for OW)

I was in your situation and the things that helped:
Not ignoring the anger (as stated above), being left and betrayed is a bit like grief and has those stages ... denial, anger, despair. You have to ride them out and find what helps you to do that.
I wrote a journal which helped get everything out of my head, especially at 2am.
I came off social media as that just made me more angry and irrationally envious of other people's happy lives!
I had counselling via GP after 6 months when I was really very low and on verge of not being able to go to work - it made all the difference. You might find anti-depressants help too, just to get u through the worst.
I took up running - made me feel (& look) better, gave me something to do when kids went to see him and OW
I relied on friends/colleagues/family when i needed someone to vent to or who would just come out for coffee/drinks. (I used to think that all my happily married friends were soooo busy with their families that they wouldn't want to do anything with me but if u ask most people are happy to escape for an hour!!)
Every morning for months when I woke up, for a split second I forgot what had happened, then realised the sadness once again & I felt actual physical pain .....but gradually that just happened less and less.
I used to feel sooo angry, like you describe, yet now I see ExH (& OW) and I really feel nothing ... because he isn't the man I married and he doesn't deserve my emotion. (That's not to say that when he was ill for 2 months earlier this year, not life threatening just an uncomfortable injury, I did laugh to myself and think slightly mean thoughts!!)

I am 5 years down your journey and it's not all easy now but I feel more true to myself and I am definitely stronger. I have a new job which I love and wouldn't have even applied for as ExH would have belittled it & I have a DP who is so lovely it makes me wonder why I wasted time with my loser Ex.
I actually found my journal recently - it was full of me saying how terrible my life would be now I couldn't have Ex, how no one would want me, how my kids would be delinquent and how my life was over .....when I read it back it was strange to think how low I was and how much can change. You can get from the depths of despair to a better place ....it's hard work and there's no quick fix but have hope OP and you will get there.

(P.s. sorry I have rambled on!!)

Time - please give yourself time.
You have a whole grieving process to get through.
You are still at anger stage so have a long way to go.
As a previous PP, it took me a good year to get back to being ME again.
There is no time limit.
Some people take years.
If you want some help along the way then please do see a therapist.
It may help to just get it out there to someone totally impartial.
It was my family, friends and the gym that got me through it all.
I really don't know what I've of done without them in my corner, keeping me busy.

Be kind to yourself.

This is still very new. The rage is all consuming. The knot in the stomach is crippling. Your mind is working over time. 4 years later. I’ve going from consumed by rage 24 hrs a day. Yes even in my sleep to the odd episode maybe weekly. Initially I drank my way through it. Helps for a while but no solution.

Your son is the most important thing and hers where you have to sacrifice a bit of that rage. Mind you. Take walks. Keep distracted. If a thought comes, do your best to push it out. Eat and sleep repeat.

Oh gosh no, don't drink. You don't want to end up with a worse problem - you may be OK with it but why take the risk? Plus alcohol is a depressant, as well as highly addictive.

Others on here say the chumplady site is good

Sorry but yes.. Time. And there will come a moment (about 14 months after he left in my case) when you realise what an absolute tool he is and won't want him back. That helps a lot. ultimately you are looking for 'meh'. I am absolutely there now 3 years on. When they got married even I honestly hardly gave it a thought other than to smirk at what dicks they both are. I do have a lovely man in my life now who isnt a selfish man child. I still have rage on behalf of my kids who miss each of us when they are with the other and they shouldn't have to but honestly it does fade.
In the short term use RL friends and here to vent and try not to disappear into a bottle too often. X

EXH was a covert narcissist and a high-functioning alcoholic. The last 12 months were horrendous and when I finally threw him out, I felt almost uncontrollable rage for months. Counselling helped me a lot, as she identified that his behaviour was abusive and him having an affair was not my fault. She also talked me through the process of forgiving myself as she said this was an important part of healing.

It does pass

I know that feeling, it's all consuming and truly horrible... I'm so sorry

When I was in your situation I ended up seeing a hypnotherapist which helped immensely. Time really does heal though. I still feel the rage building up sometimes though, 3 years on, but am more able to own it and rationalise with myself now thanks to the hynotherapy and coping mechanisms I learnt through this.

I still get huge flashes of anger, irritation and even jealousy after 5 years and we had not children to tie us, so he basically ghosted me. Messed about in our divorce, hid another woman, then poof! He screwed me over financially and I was too ill to fight him. He has, and I suspect always will, done very well for himself and that's the unfairness of the universe. However, I am happily remarried, hauled myself out of the financial pit and have a way better job now. You'll get there, OP. Just enjoy your revenge daydreams and it'll slowly ebb away. You won't think of the fucker after a while.

I don't know how to acknowledge each person individually, but I want you to know I've read and absorbed each reply carefully. I suspected people would say time, and real life people keep telling me he'll regret it in future. However that is cold comfort when I'm in such agony and have lost so much.

I don't mean to sound self pitying: I just hoped there would be some easier route through it.

How I wish there was a fast forward button to fly past this.

Thank you so much for your words of comfort.

Oh bruce

Sorry if that was a bit sloppy, above, but I really feel for you.

I'd definitely see your GP. It sounds like you're stuck in an intense trauma/grief cycle and you need some help to get on top of that. Unfortunately it's exactly times like this that people self-medicate on allsorts bcs the pain is too bad - do go the official route and get some support from your GP.

These days they don't prescribe tranquillisers, thankfully, but natural remedies are amazing ime. Kalms are wonderful - do get some and take religiously 3 times a day (I know someone who used Kalms to come off crack!). A good friend of mine who suddenly lost her husband in a freak accident used lavender oil which really helped. Actually, I'll ask her what support she got in those awful first months and i'll get back to you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is an almighty strike against you and you have to keep seeing him, which much be unbearable. Do please see your GP to see if there is anything they can do.

Look after yourself. This has gone very deep

Ex cheated on me nineteen months ago, I'm still full of anger and rage for myself and my two children. I'm not sure how long it will take for each individual person to heal, including myself.

I recall thinking exactly the same when my ExH cheated on me. I just wanted to press the Fast Forward button and skip to a time when I didn't feel all that pain. Now I'm there, 5 years later. It does come eventually but there's no magic fix. Distraction is good. Keep busy and do stuff that makes you feel good about yourself.

It's a bit like serving a prison sentence for something somebody else did to you. It's horrible and painful and bitterly unfair, but you get through it and come out the other side. Be kind to yourself.

My situation is different from yours. Not an affair but a lot of rage at an abusive husband. I'm reading with interest.
In general, I have found with anger that setting a time limit on each episode helps. It won't work when you are in the all consuming anger. But as that eases you will be able to recognise when you have moved back into anger and say, 'ok, I'll allow myself all of these feelings for the next 15 mins (or whatever) then I will think about something else'. That has really helped me.
I also have realised that with my current situation with husband that I have to stop obsessing about what he has ruined in my life (everything). My life will always be harder, financially poorer, and poorer is so many other ways thanks to him. I will drive myself mad if I keep thinking about this. I have to just focus on building the next part of my life and not comparing it to what would have been if I had stood my ground against husband. I heard a guy whose wife died say, that he got to the stage where he realised that he had to say, 'that chapter of my life with her was important, but now it is time to create a new chapter'. I heard a psychoanalyst say she didn't like the term 'letting go' as that almost implies you have to get to the stage as if the THING never happened. She preferred 'come to terms' as then you can acknowledge it was part of the past but don't need to make it part of your future. That really resonates with me.
I am still struggling to find my way through all this. It is so fucking unfair! But I know the only way through is to gradually shift to moving to focus on what I can do to improve things. I am starting to formulate my plan, and that really helps. It's hard though. It really is.