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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Returning ex boyfriend's stuff

30 replies

Jyvoc · 16/07/2018 22:06

My partner broke up with me 2+ months ago after a 2 year relationship. His reason was that 'he wasn't able to commit to me because he needed to be with someone nearer his age.' He is in his late 20s, I am in my 30s.
He contacted me recently to 'check in and see how I was doing.' I sent a friendly response but later asked him not to contact me again, having been told by a 3rd party that things were not working out with his new gf and that he may have been contacting me in case he needed a 'safety net.' I did not explain to him why I didn't want further contact.
I need to return his things, which I plan to do via a 3rd party/or leave on his doorstep. However, I am tempted to add another manly item to the box that clearly does not belong to him. I'm thinking a something innocuous like a belt or socks.
I know it seems petty but he was sooo patronising about me finding someone new because (and I quote) 'time is not on my side'!
I also think this will address the safety-net issue indirectly.
I should note that we work at the same company and I have thus far remained professional and I don't want to undo this and undermine the dignity with which I have conducted myself.
What are your thoughts please? Is this too subtle or not subtle enough?

OP posts:

Readyfortheschoolhols · 16/07/2018 22:08

Op if you mean a pegging device just come out and say it.
All friends here!!

LaContessaDiPlump · 16/07/2018 22:13

Ready

Do it op!

Cambshusband · 16/07/2018 22:19

Don’t do it, rise above it. Just parcel them up, send them over by Royal Mail and move on.

You’re not a five year old trying to have the last word on the matter. Keep the dignity you’ve maintained so far.

findthegap · 16/07/2018 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohdearmissus · 16/07/2018 22:23

I understand how you feel...but it would advise you not to add anything to the box.
Just pack up his stuff...no need to add any notes etc...(or at the most a please return to label for a 3rd party).
You will keep your dignity this way...and you will be glad of this in the future.
I would return the stuff asap...and concentrate on living your best life (not holding yourself back by spending time trying to trick the ex into thinking you are doing zyz...FAR too much energy...which you could spend much more wisely on yourself)... Good luck

crimsonlake · 16/07/2018 22:26

I wouldn't bother returning anything, since he clearly has not asked he is not missing them. In fact he might view it as you initiating contact.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 16/07/2018 22:32

He'll assume you've got dementia now, and that he was right to finish it. :)

Men make up really cool and exotic stuff about us really glamorous things when we give them NO information at all. Let him wonder what you're doing. Don't go browsing through socks and belts in Oxfam to make him long for what might have been.

Original poster

Jyvoc · 16/07/2018 22:46

Thanks for the advice folks. I will be returning his things as I am in the midst of redecorating and frankly they’re in my way. Plus it’ll be nice not to have reminders of him in my home life. I have enough of that at work. Never planned on communicating this directly with him though, no messages or notes so I’m glad you guys are in support of that.
I guess I shouldn’t be petty or immature at this stage either but it’s really frustrating to not be able to address his smug assumption that I won’t move on. I have dated but I am not ready to jump into something new yet.
You’re right though, I guess I should continue to take the high road. It just sometimes doesn’t feel that high!

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 17/07/2018 03:59

it’s really frustrating to not be able to address his smug assumption that I won’t move on.

Yeah and nothing screams ‘I’ve moved on’, more than a stunt designed to engage.

Chippyway · 17/07/2018 04:44

I don’t understand why you’d do this. I think it’s petty

You can’t moan and bitch about him and then seriously consider doing this. You’d be just as bad. He probably wouldn’t give two hoots anyway - if he did, he wouldn’t have finished with you would he?

Just move on.

BitOutOfPractice · 17/07/2018 04:49

I speak from experience here and I'm not judging because I've done it myself. But admit it,,returning his stuff is a way if being in contact with him isn't it?

If they're on your way shove them in the loft / shed / garage or bin them.

Definitely don't start playing games with putting other stuff in there if you do insist on returning them. Keep your dignity. You'll be glad you did one day.

category12 · 17/07/2018 05:45

What sort of stuff is it? If it's not valuable, just chuck it.

AlReef · 17/07/2018 05:52

Just chuck his stuff. What obligation do you have to return it? He might see it as your way of trying to initiate contact.

Singlenotsingle · 17/07/2018 05:55

Time is not on your side? How very dare he? How rude! You dodged a bullet there OP!

Joysmum · 17/07/2018 09:00

it’s really frustrating to not be able to address his smug assumption that I won’t move on

The way to do that is by moving on! Pulling stunts shows you haven’t.

I remember being amazed at the emotional maturity of my DD when she commented on the Little Mix song ‘Shout out to my ex’ that it showed they weren’t over the ex as they still cared enough to be triumphant and try to put him down. She was right.

So move on and quietly gloat in future when you get the chance

bonnielassie1 · 17/07/2018 10:06

No do it! 100% put in some men’s boxers that weren’t his! Is it petty? Probably but sometimes we need to be a little petty!

CruCru · 17/07/2018 11:30

What things has he left? If it is just some socks and pants then bin them. If it is more, then you do need to return them - mainly for your own mental health. I'm always quite surprised at people who break up with someone but then leave their stuff with them for ages afterwards.

Box up his stuff and send him an (unemotional) email to say that you still have two pairs of his jeans / a bunch of his CDs / whatever it is and that you will leave it in a box outside your flat on {DATE}. If he doesn't collect it then it will go in the bin.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/07/2018 11:38

Jeeeez he's a patronising misogynist!
I'm nearly 50 and doing just fine on the dating front.
And he thinks you are past it in your 30's!!???
He's an asshole - bullet well dodged.

Now I know others are saying don't bother.
But I like your style.
For me it would be aftershave. Half finished, really nice one!
Something a bit different. One he's probably never heard of as he's oohhhh soooo young (dick-head)

Trinity66 · 17/07/2018 11:43

I know it seems petty but he was sooo patronising about me finding someone new because (and I quote) 'time is not on my side'!

He was the one who dumped you and he also said this to you? What a cunt.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 17/07/2018 15:41

guess I should continue to take the high road. It just sometimes doesn’t feel that high!

Boy do I know this feeling. But it gets higher later. He'll look (even) worse and you'll look better as time goes on.

What stuff did he leave at yours?

blackbirdbluebottle · 17/07/2018 15:45

I don’t get why OP and other people have to take the high road in situations like this? If I was you I would add all kinds of cheap weird stuff to the box including a dead spider in a box and make it sound like he carries a dead spider around with him

Whocansay · 17/07/2018 17:12

Can't you just leave it on his desk if you work for the same company?

I can see adding a manly addition would be tempting, but don't. He will know and you will look daft.

Find someone who appreciates you. And tell him to FTFO if he comes knocking for a shag now things haven't worked out with his new squeeze.

CrystalHCarrington · 17/07/2018 19:24

I should note that we work at the same company and I have thus far remained professional and I don't want to undo this and undermine the dignity with which I have conducted myself.
What are your thoughts please? Is this too subtle or not subtle enough?

IF YOU WORK AT THE SAME COMPANY DO NOT DO THIS

That is all.

More seriously, something similar was done to me. An Ex-Bf did a similar delivery by leaving an open box at my place of work. It had a lot of consequences both for me personally and for him. I found it extremely upsetting.

Life is short and the work world is small. It's just not worth aggravating someone you are working with for nothing. Worse case scenarior, you may find yourself on the wrong end of a complaint to HR (harassment outside of work) or vicious retaliation rumours started by him.

Rise above it.

CrystalHCarrington · 17/07/2018 19:26

What I meant was - don't just leave on his doorstep or get a third party to do it or put "message" additional info in (other mans stuff)

Just just send it back sealed by post in an appropriate way or the way you would choose to receive personal items.

Original poster

Jyvoc · 17/07/2018 21:27

Oh my goodness, lots of different thoughts from you all on this.
I have to say thank you for all taking the time to answer me. It's really lovely to know other people care enough to take time to message.
To respond to a few questions: whilst clothes, etc could be binned, he left some prescription glasses, among some more personal items. I feel it's the right thing to return the items.
Just to reassure you, I would absolutely not do this at work. I value my career too much for that. As far as returning the items, I will find a way to do this with no direct contact. Whilst I am still stewing on parts of the relationship as well as some of the comments he made at point of break-up, I've no desire to open up dialogue as I don't want to reopen wounds.
Friends have been supportive of me but have suggested that I should have been more assertive with him at the time. All I can say is that I was blind-sided as I was trying to deal with another loss at the time too. I am also (usually) a firm believer it saying nothing and getting on with it. In this case though, i don't know, I feel like I've let him get away with a lot of assumptions about how he can treat me. I guess that's the reason I just wanted my moment to stick it to him a little bit!
Thank you again for all your advice. I will take the time to think about what I do based on all of your responses. 🙂

OP posts:

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