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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ending this was the right thing wasn’t it?

22 replies

Confused787 · 16/07/2018 16:56

I met a guy in December. I’m 38 and he’s 11 years older than me. He’s been married before and has grown up children. At first it all seemed great and he said he fell for me very quickly and was the first one to say I love you.

Then one day he suddenly became very negative about the relationship and said that although he finds me beautiful he can’t see us getting married and he thinks I’m going to go off with someone else . We broke up for a month and then he begged me to see him again because he apparently missed me. I relented.

The relationship took the same course as before with me ending up hurt again by the horrible things he says like ‘I just can’t imagine wanting to meet you from the airport when you’ve been on holiday’ or he wants me out of his life so he can find someone else.

But the thing is, he is always the one contacting me and buying me lovely presents and going out of his way to do things for me & plan weekends away together etc.

What is wrong with him? Today I decided I’m sick of being made to feel like shit basically so I’ve told him it’s over.

He has MS. Could the MS be affecting his brain? I’ve just never come across someone with such mismatched words and actions in my life. Today I realised that his behaviour had killed my feelings anyway.

OP posts:

Mmmmdanone · 16/07/2018 17:00

He might be worried about the impact of his ms on his future health so keeps pushing you away as he doesn't want you to have to deal with it? Or he might be an areshole. Does his ms affect him much? Are you worried about the impact it may have?

mummyretired · 16/07/2018 17:02

Absolutely the right thing to do. Don't make excuses for him, you aren't committed to each other and you don't deserve to be treated like that. Run.

Mmmmdanone · 16/07/2018 17:03

Sorry, you've ended it so probably not worried about future ms now! I think you have done the right thing. Whatever his reasons he shouldn't be treating you like that.

Original poster

Confused787 · 16/07/2018 17:06

He tries to pretend it doesn't affect him or he doesn't have it. It does affect him because the doctor has put him off work because of it. He's had it for a number of years. At the moment he's got blurry vision and migraines so I think that could be a symptom. I've told him that wouldn't affect how I feel about him in the past. He'll say hurtful things to me and then ask me to give him a hug. It's just totally bizarre.

OP posts:

NutellaFitzgerald · 16/07/2018 17:10

Its a manipulative tactic designed to stretch your boundaries so each time you accept his increasingly shitty behaviour because you've been trained to expect the lovely bit next, which someone already hungry for affection will get hooked on.

The fact that this did not hook you makes you unsuitable for him and in the long term you dodged a bullet and he just needs to find someone on whom this works. Unlucky her.

He's not as tortured a soul as he seems. Not to say it's 100% planned and deliberate but somewhere he's picked up that this is an acceptable way to conduct a relationship.

Emmageddon · 16/07/2018 17:13

Don't stay with someone who makes you feel like shit. Life's too short. His illness is largely irrelevant.

Original poster

Confused787 · 16/07/2018 17:21

I guess it is because the situation has made me feel horrible whatever the cause.

OP posts:

Djnoun · 16/07/2018 18:46

You did the right thing.

Original poster

Confused787 · 16/07/2018 19:54

I actually feel quite relieved. It's really horrible being in a relationship with someone who acts 100% attentive and then suddenly drops in a bombshell like 'I just don't miss you as much as I could when you're not here'.

OP posts:

Cawfee · 17/07/2018 10:32

I know somebody with MS and they don’t behave like this. It’s an excuse. He’s difficult and flakey and no good. Why did the previous marriage end? Would be worth you contacting the ex I find out before you hitch yourself to this weirdo. I’m betting he behaved weirdly with her too and she’d finally had enough. You’re not even 40 yet. Why do you want to run around after this guy if he’s got this streak in him? Cut your losses and say bye bye

LanceStatersGold · 17/07/2018 12:06

Yes, that was the right thing to do.

They are such intentionally hurtful things that he has thought about saying not off the cuff remarks.

Cuttingthegrass · 17/07/2018 12:18

Definitely the right thing to do. Don’t be swayed this time into trying again. I think you know it’s doomed.

Here’s hoping you now have the freedom to enjoy yourself and your hobbies and meet new people who won’t try and damage your self esteem or confidence. Good luck

Original poster

Confused787 · 17/07/2018 12:53

I'm sick of trying to work out why he behaves the way he does. One of his children refuses to speak to him. I wouldn't contact his ex as I wouldn't want to look like a stalker.

OP posts:

Ryder63 · 17/07/2018 13:13

I'm sick of trying to work out why he behaves the way he does

Yep. He's probably being like this to keep you uncertain, keen and eager for the next 'nice' bit. I'm glad for you you've ended it. Don't allow him any more headspace.

Cuttingthegrass · 17/07/2018 13:29

Why on earth are you trying to think about what’s behind his behaviours especially to contact his ex. Are you wanting to fix him or rescue him.

OP walk away and stay away. He’s said some really hurtful comments.

Original poster

Confused787 · 17/07/2018 13:32

'Why on earth are you trying to think about what’s behind his behaviours especially to contact his ex. Are you wanting to fix him or rescue him. '

I was responding to a previous poster. I absolutely know that I can't fix him and it's not my place to anyway. I do tend to dwell on the whys of a situation. I have Aspergers and I think that's why.

OP posts:

Original poster

Confused787 · 18/07/2018 09:41

He said he's been crying about it and he's really sorry for what he said. Apparently he doesn't realise what he's saying. I find this hard to believe.

OP posts:

Cuttingthegrass · 18/07/2018 10:00

Trust your instincts. He is manipulating you. He doesn’t care about you only himself.

Please walk away and regain your self esteem and confidence. You’ve tried so many times with him all ending the same with him being horrible to you and saying he can’t help it or doesn’t mean it. Rinse and repeat. This will continue. He doesn’t want to change. He doesn’t adore you or cherish you. Sorry if this sounds harsh.

Start your new life now free of this waster please

anotherfail · 18/07/2018 10:02

You are thinking about they 'whys' because you're a nice person. The thing is you'll probably never really know why. At the end of the day he wasn't making you feel happy and therefore, yes it was definitely the right thing to end it.

If he continues to keep hassling you then you might have to block him or you will get dragged back into his game.

Original poster

Confused787 · 18/07/2018 10:06

I've blocked him before and he turned up at my house.

You're completely right that he doesn't cherish me - that's not harsh. I just don't believe people can say things without knowing the implications.

OP posts:

Cuttingthegrass · 18/07/2018 10:09

You’re absolutely correct in your thinking. He knows what he’s saying and he knows the implications. Be strong now for yourself and for your future happiness

Original poster

Confused787 · 18/07/2018 10:16

It's emotional abuse isn't it?

OP posts:

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