Does your partner shout at you?

[whattheheckisgoingon]

Serious question. My DH finds me very frustrating and will blow up every so often.

He’ll be ok for a couple of weeks and then I can see his frustration rising and rising, to a crescendo when he can’t keep it in any longer. It will start off with an angry face and snide comments the night before, then will become a row.

The theme is always the same.

He feels I don’t respect him, don’t appreciate him and that I don’t listen to anything he says (my attention span is awful, to be fair. My brain doesn’t seem to think in a linear pattern. Thoughts are diving all over the place, all the time. Anyone else have this?).

I find it difficult to communicate with him in the period when he is like this, because everything I do and say annoys him SO MUCH. It’s eggshells and much of the time, I don’t believe he likes me very much.

I am very anxious and have been pretty depressed over the past four years, which I know must be exhausting for him too. ALL my worry is down to our finances. I am the breadwinner but - truth be told - feel I am completely drowning in the responsibility, as I simply don’t make enough... to the point of suicidal thoughts. I talk to him about this but he doesn’t get the hint (or clear request) that I need him to contribute more to the family finances.

But the most difficult thing is that feeling that we are not on the same team. And I don’t know if it is usual to be yelled at, or if I should pull up my big girl pants and accept that’s what (my) marriage is like.

Just don’t know where to go from here. Maybe I am just being a drama queen.

I do love him. We have young children. I would be lost without him tbh. Just feel sad that he doesn’t seem to like me very much, some of the time. I think we both feel let down by each other.

I want things to be better. But how? Really interested to hear other people’s experiences I guess.

My wife shouts at me fairly regularly. She gets very bad hormone fluctuations so the hardest part is sussing out whether or not I’ve actually done something wrong or if it’s just the week where I let it gloss over me.

But then there’s shouting, and there’s abusive hollering and intimidation.

Having a good shout at each other every now and then clears the air, and the makeup sex is usually worth it, but it shouldn’t be crossing over into what feels like abuse.

Being the breadwinner isn’t easy, it’s relatively rare for the woman to be the majoritive earner even now, as pay gaps still exist, and it’s often the mans position to be the main earner.

Truth be told it was difficult when my wife earnt more than me when I started a new business, male oride is a stupid thing but it exists nonetheless. There times I felt useless because we’re all taught from an early age that men are the bread winners yadda yadda yadda. But I was never anything other than pleased that we kept working as a team.

To play devils advicate, to all the women here, if your husband can and said “you need to earn more” I suspect a huge percentage of them would take it as a massive kick in the teeth.

The question really is why you’re the main contributor? Do you earn more? Does he spend more? Do you both have equal personal money?

That all sounds very unhappy and like you are caught in a vicious cycle. Obviously you will be struggling to maintain focus if you feel stressed, depressed and constantly waiting to be shouted at.

In direct answer to your question - no. My partner has never shouted at me and I think I would be shocked and extremely upset if he did. I have never shouted at him either. We may have used terse words or tone but never shouting.

I can find my husband frustrating at times and I know that he has his moments with me. But ultimately at the end of the day we like each other

Absolutely not. If you can control yourself so you don't shout at friends/colleagues/bosses/every other randomer you meet, then you can pay me the same respect.

I shout, DH rarely shouts.

He would be happy if I was the main earner. The issue here is that you're not happy.

If your brain is all over the place, could be stress & anxiety. Probably is, sounds like you have a huge mental load.

Or, particularly if you're the same now as when you were younger, adult ADHD. Forget the stereotype, look at how it presents in women. There's wee online tests, etc.

No. We might occasionally snap at each other, but apologise afterwards. And we never shout.

We don't shout at each other. We get snappy but don't shout

Have a look at the You First website page. It might help. 😊

He’ll be ok for a couple of weeks and then I can see his frustration rising and rising, to a crescendo when he can’t keep it in any longer. It will start off with an angry face and snide comments the night before, then will become a row.

Wow. You've just described how I behaved in a relationship I was in during my 20s. Instead of voicing my frustration at my partner (some of it reasonable, some of it unreasonable, looking back) instead I swallowed my anger for days and days, passively aggressively saying "I'm fine! Why wouldn't I be fine?!" until finally I reached EXPLOSION stage.

We did not have children and that is not something I would want children to witness or take as a healthy role model for conflict.

He is abusing you.

You are not a drama queen.

This is not normal. It is not how you treat somebody you love, or care for.

The only person not being respected in this relationship is you. This is not how you treat somebody you respect. None of what you describe form him is loving or respectful.

Nobody should be left walking on eggshells in their own home.

Im really sorry, but you've just described a textbook abuser and abusive situation.

And I don’t know if it is usual to be yelled at

This is heartbreaking to read. It is not at all. I used to think it was. I really truly believed that everybody else got yelled at all the time in their own homes.

He conditioned me to believe it was my fault for making him angry and always messing everything up. And then I ended up with the police on my doorstep worried about me. I never imagined that would be happening to me. And in case you're thinking he must have hit me for the police to have been concerned, and that therefore this is totally different to what you've described - nope. They just saw that he was abusive and how dangerous he had the potential to be.

It is not usual, it's not something you just have to find a way to put up with. It's not the life you deserve.

I can't tell you how to be perfect enough not to "make" him shout anymore (or all the other stuff), because the shouting is just a tool he uses to keep you in line. And it's working. There is nothing you could do that would make him stop. This is how he wants it, because he wants power over you. Keeping you walking on eggshells, struggling financially, anxious and depressed, believing all the nasty things he says about you - all of that makes him feel big and powerful and in control.

The fact that you can see him working himself up into a state before he lashes out at you is so incredibly common in abusive situations. I remember seeing mine start working himself up like that and becoming even more afraid, scrabbling around desperately trying to pacify him.

When I finally found the courage to tell someone about all the shouting, and then other things started spilling out, they told me "that's classic domestic abuse". I simultaneously felt like they had made a terrible mistake and couldn't possibly mean me, but also that reality had just punched me in the stomach.

That person suggested the Freedom Programme to me. I went along convinced it was a mistake and wasn't for me, that it was just a misunderstanding that would be cleared up soon. I couldn't see how it could possibly be abuse because he didn't hit me and that was what abuse was, wasn't it? Anyway, it was all my fault for pissing him off and being over sensitive, so that couldn't be abuse either. My fault. My problem.

And then I sat there the first week and listened to them describing my life as they gave an overview of what we'd be covering. They knew nothing about me, I hadn't told them anything, but classic domestic abuse indeed it was.

Please consider going: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk. You'll need to contact them to get a place in a group as it's not advertised, but that's so that nobody can be intimidated. There's no fee to attend. It is all completely confidential. Nobody will know you're going, and they don't keep records of who attends. Even if you only go to prove me wrong, what have you got to lose?

As well as teaching about what abuse is, why it happens, how it impacts us, and how we can heal from it, it also covers what healthy relationships look like and how we should expect to be treated by someone who loves us. Hardly bad information to have.

It's not therapy. It's information, and you don't have to share anything or talk about yourself if you don't want to. You can just listen. It's 12 weeks for 2 hours per week. There's no standing up in front of the room and telling your life story. It's not that kind of thing!

I was a nervous wreck when I first went, but they're lovely and welcoming. They know it can be scary and overwhelming in the beginning. It's women only, and closed groups. It was a safe place for me where I knew I wouldn't be shouted at or blamed for anything. They won't judge you. And they'll usually have nice biscuits.

You have nothing to lose by going and listening to what they can share with you. If you decide you'd like more support with any decision you make on what to do next they can signpost you and talk to you about that, but they will never tell you what to do or tell you to leave him. It's about helping you take charge of your own life again, not telling you what to do.

I really hope you manage to give it a go. I honestly think it will make a big difference to your life.

There is a great deal of hope to be found, although I realise it must be hard for you to see, and your future could be so bright, but you might need to take a few scary leaps of faith first. But if you can survive living like this for so many years, I reckon you're tough enough to leap and thrive.

If you need to talk to a real person in the meantime you can call women's aid on 0808 2000 247. They will get it and they won't judge you.

If you're not ready for that kind of conversation but want to talk you can call samaritans whether you feel suicidal or not 116123.

Freedom Programme also have a phone number if you have questions or would like advice from them. The number's on their website, I haven't managed to memorise that one yet, but they're lovely if you do call them.

These organisations, like me, just want to see you living a happy, safe life. It can get so much better than this you wouldn't believe.

Gruff what a lovely thoughtful post.
OP walking on eggshells is not normal. He sounds verbally and financially abussive ? Is he contributing anything ( anything being financially, being main caregiver) . The freedom programme sounds great - at least will get you out house for a couple hours.
In the end though, he needs to take responsibility for his behaviour. If he is not gong to do that then his behaviour will not change.

What a wonderful, compassionate practical and helpful post, Gruffalina.
I couldn't agree more that the OP's husband is a textbook abuser - her situation mirrors my own.
Am now off to Google the Freedom Project.
This kind of advice is Mumsnet at its best.
Good luck OP. Let's set ourselves free.

No, no shouting (bit pointless given hearing loss but there's literally no point shouting at me)

Can only second the suggestion of the Freedom Programme

Thank you so much. I am very humbled by these responses. It will take me a while to process but thank you.

*My wife shouts at me fairly regularly. She gets very bad hormone fluctuations so the hardest part is sussing out whether or not I’ve actually done something wrong or if it’s just the week where I let it gloss over me.

But then there’s shouting, and there’s abusive hollering and intimidation.

Having a good shout at each other every now and then clears the air, and the makeup sex is usually worth it, but it shouldn’t be crossing over into what feels like abuse.* to be honest your relationship sound aunhealthy presumably your partner can control herself when going about her daily business at work ect so then there is no reason to shout at you because of her hormones. (so does the op's as a general rule getting shouted at is a 'red line' unless its truly a one off with an immediate apology

Rarely but sometimes yeah, although it’s more like a snide remark or a rant or something. It bores me though so I tend to walk away. It’s how his family deal with things so I understand why he sometimes believes it’s normal (and is also the reason he doesn’t speak to his family at all)

My DH has shouted at me a couple of times in 15 years of marriage. I got very distressed, on one occasion, though, as it took me back to my childhood, where my siblings and I were regularly smacked very hard and shouted at (among other things that happened). It was also at the time when my DSis was telling us about the DV she had suffered in her marriage. I was helping her file for divorce. It's also the only time he's ever sworn at me.

In his defence, he had recently lost his DF in a car accident and obviously things were very fraught at that time. He really shocked himself that day and apologised profusely when he saw how upset I was.

He does raise his voice with our DDs, as I do, but we're having a very difficult time, especially with DD1, and we're both working at staying calm.

What does annoy me is when he gets angry with other drivers when driving.

But what you're describing is verbal abuse and you shouldn't have to put up with that. If he's making you anxious and walk on eggshells then that is very wrong.

My husband has never shouted at me, and I've never known him shout at anyone else in the 7 years I've known him.

What does he contribute?
Does he work at all?
Is he a SAHP?
I'm sorry, but I think you may find your anxiety and your depressions lifts, some what, without him around!
He's a bully - plain and simple.
Does he shout at the kids?

I can't really add anymore to the great post of Gruffalina and others, but was with a shouty man for 21 years, I got so conditioned I thought it was normal. Until I finally walked away and realised that NO-ONE else in my whole life, shouts at me. He used to shout because I burnt toast, he would shout if he was stressed because we were running late, he would shout as his default mechanism. It gradually got worse and worse to the point where he would shout at me almost every single day.

I became so conditioned to it, its only since I now have peace in my life I realise how goddamn miserable I was. Always walking on egg shells, always thinking it was my fault. I left a shell of my former self, I have been gone now 18 months and I am living again. I started to fear other peoples reactions to me, the only person I have to still worry about is him (we have kids together, sometimes I still feel his rage).

Two things helped me see clearly: he could control himself around other people just not me and the kids, and realising that nobody in my life treated me with such disdain. Not a single person, everyone else I surround myself with in my life treats me with respect and kindness.

The person you share your intimate life with, should be the one who respects you the most. Whilst no doubt he has issues, you should not bear the brunt of it, and deserve to live your life in a peaceful way, not fearing the next blow out (which if you look at the cycle of abuse, it fits).

Keep posting OP, the issue is not with you.

Oh, and there was always issues in our relationship, but it mangnified 100% when I worked full time and he fell into a SAHP role (which he resented). I was doing almost everything, it still wasn't enough. I know it affected his self esteem which in turn made it worse, but he never tried to help himself out that hole. Only 18 months later he is finally starting to get work.

We could manage on my wage, but he was miserable and unhappy in a SAHP role but never tried to find work, so I could stay at home ifykwim. I was just the blame of all his unhappiness.

Never, no. He shouts at objects (e.g. stepping on a plug) but never, ever at me.

No no no, never. Even if we get frustrated with each other it might be slightly raised voices and then one of us will realise and apologise and we'll take a break.

My ex used to shout a lot and it was really intimidating.

I have the non-linear thoughts and for me it's down to ADHD but OTOH it can also be a side effect of living in a stressful situation like this.

Something else which stands out is that you don't feel like your partner likes you very much - that's very sad, don't you want to spend time with people who like you? Perhaps you have built an image of yourself which is an unlikeable person but I honestly don't believe that is possible unless you are very bitter and selfish and mean - which you really don't sound as though you are! Everyone deserves to spend time in the company of people who like them.

You sound so miserable in your marriage. Arguments between couples is normal..but being so unhappy and walking on eggshells is not normal, no, and it's not way to live. This will be impacting on the children too. Free yourself (and kids) from this life and learn how to be happy again.