I'm feeling grumpy with my friend

[MissVanjie]

I know ibu and I feel about 14 for even thinking it, but it irritates me that my friend will flake out on plans with me, but is regularly tagged getting shitfaced with her 'other' bff, who, admittedly, does live nearer

I have had a rough old time lately for one reason and another. reached out to my friend and she talks the talk on WhatsApp, but blew me off when I wanted to meet up irl. I had a social thing coming up and she assured me she would 'deffo' be there and was 'really up for it' and would bring other people too (can't say what event was but I was kind of involved in organising and promoting it, and had a partial responsibility to ensure good turnout - event was free, in middle of day, in a venue amply served by public transport etc etc) .

I kind of just knew she wouldn't come, and sure enough, an hour before it started I got a text from her about how she was feeling so depressed and she couldn't move off the settee etc. she has various health conditions that tend to flare up when she doesn't want to do stuff - on other occasions she'll be the last woman standing at 3 am going 'right, where's still open??????'

I just said fine and not to worry and obviously I understood as I have been struggling with depression myself lately. she replied saying how hard it all is and how we'll have to get together soon and I typed and deleted about three snippy replies before just leaving it and not bothering replying.

she was fine earlier in the week when she was tagged in a photo watching the england game round her other bff's house and tbh I keep half expecting to see a similar photo pop up of them watching the final yesterday when she was supposedly prostrate with woe. she absolutely has form for this - but if anyone calls her on it she goes off on one with all the memes about fucking spoons and how no one understands 'hidden disabilities' and how damaging to ppl's mental health it is to call them out on being flaky etc, and has been known to have her husband ring people up all cross etc

I do love her and she is a good friend and has been for many years. I know I'm being kind of a bitch. I've been stewing about it all night and all day though. the event itself went well and was well attended and generally lovely. I was kind of looking forward to seeing my friend though, (even though I didn't believe for a minute that she'd bother coming).

I just wanted to put it all down somewhere to stop me sending her a grumpy WhatsApp suggesting she stops saying she'll 'definitely' come to things in future or whatever. I've restricted her on fb for now because I can't deal with her breathless gushy lovebombing comments on all my activity that she goes in for in the aftermath of incidents like this, I know I'll say something I'll regret.

If she’s not turning up as promised and being photographed out with other friends then she’s not actually being a good friend to you. Stop inviting her to things. Build up new friendships. Stop messaging her and don’t commit to any plans with her. Fade her out.

Stop making arrangements with her... she's not able to commit to you.... treat her as an online pal and move on

I'd be pissed off with her too. And I'd probably be all out of spoons for talking to her for a while.

She doesn't really sound like a good friend to be honest. It sounds like she says yes to you and then either can't be bothered or gets a better offer - neither of these are her being a good friend.

It is hard, you promise yourself you won't get excited they will actually turn up this time and then as it gets closer and closer and they haven't made their excuses you start to believe they will actually be there. An hour before is close enough that you'd be thinking "well, if she wasn't coming she'd have said so by now" and gotten excited to see her. So then it hurts all the more when she let's you down anyway.

thank you everyone - I'm glad it's not necessarily me being petty. lol at spoons Bof

I do intend to fade her out, and I have quite a wide network of friends. oddly, she does try and insinuate herself into them quite a bit - I noticed she'd gushy-commented on someone from MN's fb earlier and as far as I know she has never been here - just added people because I know them. I know for eg that she's not met up with me in the past because stuff is at my end of town - however, if I'm out with some of my other friends from these ends, she will try and inveigle her way into that sometimes. plenty of spoons when it suits.

I'm fully braced for plenty of pointed stuff about 'how to be a good friend to someone with depression' and how you should just never pressure them to do stuff or expect anything from them. but I don't care.

Agree. With all other posters. I have a friend like this and I've been fading her out too. I have other friends I'd rather dedicate more time too. X

ahhh Monkeys I tend not to get excited to see her these days

we have these little cycles - I have been a bit frosty with her for a few weeks because I had a really horrible time of it the other week, wanted to see her and she was busy/skint/ill/being tagged doing shots at 2am in someone's garden. so I was frosty. didn't even ask her to come to this thing yesterday actually, she saw it on my fb and messaged me going 'omg that's so amazing blah blah oh I can't wait' all gushy cos she knew I'd got the face on with her a bit I think. and I thought 'aye right' then and there.

It sounds like she prefers to do other stuff and will come up with an excuse if it's stuff she doesn't want to do.

My friends are all different. I know the ones who won't stay out all night or the ones who would hate to go out for lunch or something more tame. I'm not keen on certainstuff so unless it's a special occasion like their birthday I probably won't go (I have a busy life so would rather do stuff I enjoy). But we're all fine with that because there is always plenty of other friends going.

I’d be letting her fade away gradually. It sounds like you have lots more committed people in your life

I do thanks

Aaargh

She is back to liking and commenting on literally every response to events i do on fb (i go to a lot of gigs)

A mutual fried posted about a festival happening this weekend and i commented that such and such a band are playing. Flaky friend has ‘loved’ it and gone ‘ooooh when and where are they playing’

It’s like if it looks like i’m out with my ‘cool’ friends she wants in, but if it’s just a meet up for the sake of seeing ne she cba. I haven’t replied and won’t be.

Why are you allowing her to see what you're doing on FB? Restrict her. While you're at it, stop friends seeing your other friends. That should solve the other part of the problem.

She sounds like a complete user. When you're useful to you she's all over you. When you're not, she's nowhere near.

I have restricted her from seeing my posts or page wtc, but responses to gigs are public and there’s no way to stop her seeing those. She has also added a lot of my friends so sees my comments on their stuff and i can’t do anything about that unless i block her which would be a whole drama with lots of boohooing and flying monkeys telling me what a bitch i am etc

I am having to sit on my hands to not teply ‘oh, feeling better now are you?’ to her btw

when you say the other friend lives closer, how far away do you live. Do you mean that doing stuff like you means travelling and expense, or its just a bit of a longer walk?

She’s a social climber (user). I’ve had one of those. Thought she was a mate but only really wanted to friend my friends. I let her get away with it until I had the realisation. Then I blocked her totally. Tell her you’re pissed off with her attitude and block her on everything. She’s using you for access to your social network. She’s not your mate. Be careful and get rid

She’s not that into you, sorry OP. I would stop bothering with her.

Sack her off. Life is too short for non-friends like that. She is a social vampire and has little decency.

@Branleuse seeing me means a bus ride then another bus or tram, or both of us getting a bus into town. We live at opposite ends of a city. Her other mate lives a short walk away from her. There are other factors, ie i am a single parent and work p/t, she is childfree by choice and doesn’t work. My area has a lot of gigs and events happening in it, like i say, travelling here never seems to pose a problem when others of my friends are out with me this end, just when it’s only me does it become ‘a bit of a trek’

I feel harsh now! But am just leaving it. I have ignored her enquiries about what’s happening with me and my other friends this weekend and am waiting to see how long it takes her to suggest meeting up just us two :)

Thanks everyone. Just having somewhere to put it all helps. I was going over and over it, doing that thing where you chunter angrily away to yourself as you do the dishwasher/packed lunches i am feeling a lot saner now

She has in the past blown off meeting me in town because she was ‘totally exhausted’ then followed it up with ‘yeah i think i am just going to stay local’ and was later tagged in the pub with her mates from where she lives. We have different definitions of ‘totally exhausted’ i think