relationship over, need to move out of exp house with our children, could/should I move county?

[allthequestionsnoanswers]

NC for this - hoping relationships is the best place...sorry will probably be long...

Myself and childrens dad are splitting up, I'm currently stay at home mum to our 2 children. House is owned by ex.

He has verbally told me to leave, said he would write a letter of notice so I could get rehousing assistance from the coucil - he works unsociable hours that prevent him from committing to any fixed childcare (& complicated by other things).

I've contacted housing who have agreed to put me on a housing plan as soon as I provide a copy of the letter...you can see where this is going...he's now saying he needs to seek advice when he has time before writing it...its been weeks now where hes had multiple days off to do this.

Waiting to hear back from housing but I dont think theres much they'll do without the letter unless they have to - we live in SE and overcrowded/low housing stock.

I have long wanted to move out of the SE - up to Durham/North Yorkshire areas for quality of life/more rural lifestyle. Would I or even should I consider asking the coucil if I could be housed in a new borough where I have no local connections?

Kids are 3 and 4 (about to start reception), not much family support here anyway and most of my friends have moved away too so it doesnt feel like I've got much keeping me here.

Ex has hopes to move further north in the future too so don't think he'd oppose it if I had the chance...

Am I delusional to think I could or should?
Thanks for reading!

Go for it. You’ve got nothing to lose. Don’t move out of the house without that letter though and I’d recommend seeking legal advice before you do anything else. Are you married?

Thanks for replying :)

Not married. No other financial ties to worry about either.

I won't leave the house without the letter as i know thats intentionally making myself homeless, but if he refuses to write it now just to be difficult I dont know where I'll stand being able to get out and move on.

I lent him a some money for a house extension which I'm hoping to claim back - have an appt with a solictor booked. Would be enough to help move us and pay for essentials like white goods in a new place.

I just want a fresh start somewhere and the chance to actually build a future for myself and the kids - where we are now most couples cant afford a house so I've no hope on my own even when I do return to work.

Has anyone had any experience of a different borough (perhaps even Durham coucil) accepting a housing request for someone new to the area?

You may have a legitimate interest in the house if you've funded part of the extension. Speak to a solicitor

I've posted in legal too about reclaiming the loan, and potentially any extra, but not too hopeful of that really.

Have an appt with a solicitor booked so I will take copy of the bank transfer for the loan that states it was for the house extension and see what they think.

I don't think it's fair to take dc so far from their dad, unless you genuinely think he won't care and has no intention of maintaining a proper relationship with them.

He might have a vague notion of moving north one day, but that's quite different to taking your dc hundreds of miles away.

If you were moving for family support, or on the promise of a great job, then maybe. But not just for a new life, no, not fair on dc imo.

Regarding the house - hope you get some recourse regarding the extension, I think you should.

Personally I think it’s selfish to move the children from their dad. It’s not about you, it’s about what’s best for the children.

He may be an arse but the children have a right to see him.

If the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel if your kids were moved away from you and you had to travel hours to see them?

northern
The 'dad' in this equation is making these children homeless and the original post states that the dad is uninvolved on a day to day basis due to work commitments and that he is likely to move far north anyway. .. so why shouldn't the op put the children's housing and welfare as a top priority? ??

Totally agree with @Sistersofmercy101

Thanks for all the comments, helps to see things from all perspectives.

At the moment we live in a different county from both families as its where ex could afford. He plans to pay off the extension in 2 years and move 1.5 hours north. The move I would like to make would currently be 4 hrs, would reduce to 3 when ex moves. Ex is also considering moving to Newcastle so would be very near in that case, but thats not a certainty like the 1.5hr move so i couldn't bank on it.

The plan was always to move as we have no connections where we are, and because the senior schools are a choice of grammars or inadequate - no middle ground - I know things can change in that time but we always planned to move based on that.

My worry staying here is I will be housed in the local estate bedsit (like several others I know from nursery unfortunately) which is on the opposite side of town, next to the poorly performing juniors, no family nearby, and then ex will move and we'll be stuck here alone.

Ex has said he won't be able to commit to seeing the kids on any set timetable due to work and other interests, he just wants to see them as and when he's not busy. He does get a few days off in a chunk so contact will be based around a few days at a time every few weeks/month rather than evening/weekend. I would of course travel so the kids could continue to see him. A further complication is that he currently isn't allowed unsupervised contact so I'm facilitating that too (ongoing situation so i don't know how long it will go on for, don't want to go into the details of why).

Lots to consider and its so difficult to know how to make the best future for the kids that I can, when wherever we end up we'll ultimately be without any family around.

Go to a solicitor and see if you can put a claim on the house when it's sold. Then move to where you want and is best for you . Let him travel to you.

"The 'dad' in this equation is making these children homeless and the original post states that the dad is uninvolved on a day to day basis due to work commitments and that he is likely to move far north anyway."

I don't think it's fair to say he's making them homeless. People are allowed to separate. If the house was his before they got together, I can understand him wanting to hang on to it - surely anyone would do the same.

And there's a difference between being uninvolved due to work commitments (assuming these are genuine), and being uninvolved because you live 4hrs away.

I don't like the fact he hadn't provided you with your letter op, could he be seeking his own legal advice before taking action?

There's another thread running at the moment - a Dad who has found out that his ex is planning to move some distance away, and he's getting a lot of advice about how to prevent it from happening. So it may be worth searching for that thread, to know how he may respond to your plans.

Rainy. He has asked her to move out and obviously with the children as only sees his kids every now and then. If he was serious about keeping them close by he would let them stay in the house and rent a room somewhere because it's clear that op cannot afford to live there. That's a bloody different situation than the other thread of a very involved father!!

I've tried talking to him about when he'll write the letter, the council have said it can be a single line saying he wants me to leave, it doesn't need to be from a solicitor. His responses vary from hasn't had time, hasn't had chance to get advice legal or own online research (hes had several hobby days out though), followed by angry outbursts hes not talking about this with windows open - refuses to let me close them so we can, refuses to pencil in a date to discuss it, questioning why I'm in a rush. Im so worn down by it all I just want to get out of this limbo and start moving forward here or somewhere else.

I think partly he's embarassed about it coming out we're separating - he's seen his family in the past few days and hasn't told anyone. Also I think paying maintenance is a worry (hes previously said he cant afford to and wont). With the ongoing issues hes facing with the contact he's been staying elsewhere but still coming for meals/washing etc and leaving all domestic tasks to me, so right now hes probably got it pretty comfortable, pops in for the fun bits and to get fed then goes off again without having to worry about doing cleaning/looking after the kids. In fact when hes here he constantly complains I'm not keeping 'his house' clean enough, but refuses to help do anything as hes not technically living here...so maybe he's just not in a rush to get me out.

I've read the other thread and fully support the very involved dad preventing his ex moving his daugter away, its clearly not in the childs best interest and I think its awful the mum would try to do that.
Sadly the poor relationship between my kids and ex is partly why I want him to hurry up and write the letter, I'm hoping not living together would make him value seeing them rather than just constantly moaning at them and ignoring them whenever hes here. But I guess the idea of not having regular contact could be worrying him and causing the stalling - hard to know when he refuses to communicate

I'm sorry that hobbies come above his DC. No need to stay near a father who quite frankly can't be arsed.

I would have told his family members you're splitting up. He really must feel embarrassed because he's essentially making his own flesh and blood homeless. He realises it doesvr look good hence the stalling.

He asks what the rush is? The rush is you want to get on with your life... if also stop doing the housework for his personal stuff if I was you.

I'm not sure why people keep saying he's making them homeless like it's his fault. The OP wants to leave but for her to be eligible for social housing she can't be seen to have made herself homeless so HE needs to make her homeless. It's a technicality. She WANTS him to make her homeless so she can get housing!

I think you should just go OP.
The kids Dad is barely involved. He can only have supervised access to the kids anyhow, so am guessing he is being accused of sexual or physical harm or some such thing.
Just go