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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My Partner is never wrong and never takes responsibility

22 replies

Malcolm06 · 16/07/2018 10:20

I'm at my wits end now after yesterday. We'd discussed last week about the fact that our dog should be on the lead on a back lane much sooner than partner was doing. He wasn't putting the dog back on the lead until the main road was insight. I pointed out that it's dangerous leaving it that late but my partner said there's no need as the dog hasn't given him any reason to put back on lead so soon before main road. So yesterday morning (Sunday) he'd taken the dog out for his usual walk and disregarding my concerns, only to get a phone call from him saying the dog had been hit by car. He was trying to put the harness and lead back on him but the dog had seen a cat and off he went. Luckily the dog isn't seriously injured and no damage done to the car but obviously the young woman driver was distraught in tears. He walked home with the dog, cursing and swearing at the dog saying it was all the dogs fault and he's never to be trusted ever again and he's done with dogs. We took the dog straight to the emergency on call vet and left him there for a few hours observation. I was furious with my partner for not only dismissing my concerns in the first place but then had the nerve to blame the dog. On collection from the vets a bit later, he didn't even make the effort to pay for the bill (as it happens they'll send the bill by post to us) I told my partner it's not the dogs fault and he should apologise and take responsibility. The dog is obviously feeling very bruised and can only muster a walk compared to his usual sprinting and bounding around. This morning (Monday) after my partners night shift, he "mumbled" an apology saying it won't happen again, only to then say the dog stays on the lead permanently because he cant be trusted. He's still blaming the dog and won't take responsibility so we're back to square one. I'm getting really fed up with his childishness for always blaming someone or something else...it's never his fault. Had it have been a lorry or car travelling faster than our dog might not been here with us today. Had it have been a motorbike riders, they could have been injured too. I'm now getting to the stage of telling him to leave as he just doesn't get it!! Any advice would be welcomed

OP posts:

Cawfee · 16/07/2018 10:25

Wish I had some advice but I’ve got one like that too and I’m almost at the point of finishing the marriage because of it. It’s depressing and exhausting living with somebody who will never apologise if they are wrong

sexnotgender · 16/07/2018 10:32

I had one of them, note the past tense!

It’s incredibly wearing to live with and I decided life was too bloody short. No advice other than in my experience it doesn’t get better. You just need to decide if you can live with it or not.

onanothertrain · 16/07/2018 10:52

You say he's never wrong but yet you're on here gloating cause you were right. He was trying to get the dog back on lead when it bolted after a day, it was an accident.
You both sound as bad as each other.

Original poster

Malcolm06 · 16/07/2018 11:14

onanothertrain. I am not gloating at all, I am furious that he never listens to me and he always thinks he knows better and is never ever wrong. What happened yesterday was the last straw in a long line of events. Yes, it was an accident, accidents happen, but if he'd taken note of what I said last week of my concerns and reasons why, then the "accident" wouldn't have happened. To put our dogs life at risk after voicing my concerns about his lack of awareness of danger makes me extremely cross - our poor dog is suffering all because my partner thought he knew best !!

OP posts:

onanothertrain · 16/07/2018 11:21

So leave him

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 16/07/2018 11:25

I don't think OP is gloating I think she sounds upset and this is the last straw

I suspect he won't but is there any chance he would consider therapy

My DP is naturally a little like this but after a marriage to a man similar I will not stand for it and was lucky in that our circumstances allowed me to make that crystal clear before we got serious

It's one of the few things I'm zero tolerance on because I consider taking responsibility and apologising an important thing to teach DC and make a point of doing it myself so I can't have a DP who doesn't

But I do know it's taken him a lot of introspection and psychological work to get there

Original poster

Malcolm06 · 16/07/2018 11:26

It's the fact that he's blaming the dog and not taking responsibility is what's so annoying. It's never my partner's fault, that's the issue I'm having to deal with. And before anyone asks, yes I do say sorry, in fact he makes me feel guilty for something I shouldn't and I end up saying sorry for something that's not even my fault... which I came to realise a couple months ago so I'm standing my ground now

OP posts:

Original poster

Malcolm06 · 16/07/2018 11:29

onanthertrain : I've come to this site to voice my frustration and try and get some help from others who are or have been through this. Your blunt comment has been taken onboard

OP posts:

butterballs9 · 16/07/2018 11:34

We must be married to the same person! This is EXACTLY the type of thing that soon to be ex would do on a daily basis. He did it with the kids too - it's amazing they are both still alive. Nearly every animal we ever had came to a sticky end because he was careless about safety. We had a spaniel who died completely unnecessarily. Yes it was an 'accident' but it was an accident that would not have happened if I had been looking after the dog that day.

Other 'accidents' that happened regularly in connection with his work, his financial affairs (could never pay the vat bill but was happy to go on endless holidays) travel - would regularly miss flights and then pay a fortune to go last-minute club class. I could go on....and on....and on....

Yes - they were always 'accidents' and quite often 'someone else's fault' - ideally, my fault. As you can see he is a 'soon to be ex'.

Divorcing someone like this is an interesting experience, to say the least. Guess whose fault the divorce is? (His family are all very similar - everything is someone else's fault but it's okay because they go to confession - oops, am I even allowed to think that let alone write that??)

onanothertrain · 16/07/2018 11:35

I have been through this. You've said yourself it's the last straw, you're at your wits end and you're thinking of leaving. Yes I was blunt but my advice stands.

Original poster

Malcolm06 · 16/07/2018 11:35

gettingbackonmyfeet. Your comment is very useful, thank you. My partner went through a very stressful and messy divorce which was financially and emotionally draining for him. This has caused him to be very closed off and he turns to his sister and parents for advice, unfortunately his sister is very controlling and it's taken quite a while for her to accept me, although at arms length so I think his insecurities plays a part in all this somewhere. It's trying to work out if he can see that and whether we can move forward together, or whether it's just his nature and then I've to decide whether I can live with it

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 16/07/2018 11:36

My ex is exactly like this. Also the main reason why I couldn't realistically have left him when the kids were younger. You know that if you stay it means you can't trust him to be responsible?

butterballs9 · 16/07/2018 11:37

Oh yes - I so get the accident being the dog's fault. The spaniel's accident was the dog's fault. The guinea pig accident was the guinea pig's fault (or perhaps the fault of the brother with an out-of-control dog?) Not being able to pay soon to be ex's vat bill's was my fault or my father's fault because we stopped funding his endless jollies with his girlfriend.

butterballs9 · 16/07/2018 11:38

Hail Mary!

ravenmum · 16/07/2018 11:42

Of course you can't trust a dog, that's why you need leads.

Sorry, but I only found one way to stop feeling like a nag, and that's to stop being with a man who acts like you're a nag.

butterballs9 · 16/07/2018 11:46

Just to add I have several friends with partners who are similar. They stay for various reasons but I think they will one day regret not having jumped ship. Having said that, their children are younger than mine and still just about living at home so maybe they will review the situation once their children are independent.

carebea · 16/07/2018 11:51

Oh I'm actually in the same boat OP!

He will ask DS to get him a glass of milk!...he will have a drink of it and put it on the floor, when he gets up he knocks it over!...who's fault is it?...he blames DS!!! Wtf ?!
I tell him " no it is your fault you put it there and simply forgot ya did!"
OH ; "well if he never filled the glass right to the top, I would of drank it all!"
Me; "seriously wtf?!...it was your fault no body else's!"
OH; why do you have to turn everything into an argument?!"
Me; " it is not an argument! I'm just telling you the actual truth of how and why it happened, and you never do like hearing the truth when you are actually at fault!"
OH; "oh sack this shit I'm going out sick to death of been blamed for everything in this house!!"

Honestly OH is always the " VICTIM "
I honestly cannot stand him any longer!!!😠

I feel so sorry for you OP...😔..to be honest I feel sorry for myself!

But I'm putting an end to mine as it is so exhausting and mentally draining!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/07/2018 12:34

OP I don't think you are gloating over your pet being injured but you don't like DP dodging responsibility. Being at cross purposes, each of you ends up digging your heels in.

You want DP to validate your stress over this incident. He ignored your advice and things nearly ended very badly for the dog - by not admitting he was in the wrong, he minimises your feelings. The more annoyed you get, in order to flag up to him how distressed you were, (in the hope of him understanding the seriousness of the situation and responding with empathy), the more DP shifts blame. Utterly frustrating.

From what you say about his divorce and family dynamic, if his was a marriage where the two of them were in a power struggle and he felt his voice was rarely heard, he might fear that pattern is repeating in your relationship.

I don't know what to suggest other than couples counselling.

sonjadog · 16/07/2018 12:38

I used to be with one of these. It was exhausting having everything twisted and turned so it wasn't his fault and in the end I lost all respect for him as the reasons why things weren't his fault could be ludicrous. Now it is a deal breaker for me. I won't be with a man who always has to be right as I can´t respect them.

Rollonweekend · 16/07/2018 18:49

I had one of those - professional victims. Always losing jobs which was inevitably someone else's fault, if I asked him to stop swearing/road rage in the car because it upset me the response was 'oh yes, I'm all bad aren't I?' when I was simply asking for him to change behaviour which he had (should have) control over.

In the end I couldn't even request basic manners because somehow I was picking on him or bullying him. You'll never win because they will turn it back on you so you're forced to accept it and stay on their terms or leave.

Cynara · 16/07/2018 18:56

Yes! I know exactly what you're saying OP. The thing is, you will never, ever get him to see this from your point of view. If you try, you will be a bully and determined to blame him for everything. It's exhausting and makes you question your own perspective. I've been there. I left him. Do it! I promise you, there are lots and lots of men who do not behave like this, you do not have to put up with it.

Plumsofwrath · 16/07/2018 19:05

My DH is a tiny bit like this. He does accept when he’s wrong, he is reasonable and will take advice or listen to experience 90% if the time. But if things do go wrong sometimes he will blame the 2yo instead of his lack of foresight, he will say I nag when I foresee pitfalls (which come to pass) and ask (nag) him to do the necessary to avoid them (at which point he moans that all I ever do is complain and nag). On the whole, it’s a small issue for us taking the man and the relationship as a whole.

But I do wonder why they do this. I’ve known a few young women who don’t take responsibility for their actions, but that’s been immaturity they’ve grown out of. My DH is a mature man. I just don’t understand why he does this.

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