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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Family therapy/mediation

9 replies

Lilsquish · 16/07/2018 09:35

Has anyone ever used this?

Whats it like? Do the mediators give opinions/solutions for resolving conflict? Or just sit and nod etc.

Im considering this route with my parents and husband to try and resolve a huge rift/break down.

If anyone could share any experience of this id be very greatful xx

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 16/07/2018 09:51

Nope. No way. The unreasonable people in my family can't be talked into reasonableness.

Maybe if it were the most unreasonable person suggesting and arranging the group therapy then I might be hopeful. Never in a million years would that happen though.

A few years ago I remember one of my brothers suggested it and the rest of us eye-rolled and had quiet conversations with each other to the effect that:
a) he's a doormat who lets our DM and his DW abuse him
b) he enjoys wishful thinking over reality
c) he wants to believe clever words from a counsellor will make the abusers have personality transplants, if only they understood how sad they make him.
d) he wants those with boundaries to put themselves in the firing line again because he resents that he's the only one who takes it, but doesn't get that having higher boundaries of his own is what's actually required.

Lilsquish · 16/07/2018 09:58

Sorry to read that rabbits.

I suppose tho in my situation, we all do want some sort resolution but the rift is very big and we need help sorting it.

OP posts:
Lilsquish · 16/07/2018 18:03

Bump xx

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 16/07/2018 18:28

Maybe try having this moved to chat. It looks like nobody in relationships has anything to offer.

You are being quite vague. Maybe more details are needed like how many people, how closely related you are, what you fell out over.

Lilsquish · 16/07/2018 19:34

Sorry i didnt realise i was being vague.

Its a fall out between my parents and husband.

Im stuck in the middle.

I was just looking to see if anyone had tried family therapy.

Il post in chat x

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 16/07/2018 19:41

I'll give you a few experiences from my personal history.

When I disclosed to my teacher at school that my dad was sexually abusing me and was grooming my younger sister, school got social services involved and they mandated a "family counseling" session.

(This was back in the 80s so safeguarding was unknown and SS's primary objective was to stop families breaking up if at all possible.)

It was a preview of hell, from the victim's point of view. The entire hour was given over to the abuser spouting forth his feelings about how we were all colluding against him and that I was obviously angry with him because he'd said I wasn't getting an Atari 600 for Xmas and had brought up all these very trivial sexual assaults in order to punish him for that. I didn't speak. My sister didn't speak. My mum said some wishy washy crap. The mediator/counsellor was oozing sympathy for my dad. (To be fair he was a very skilled sociopath and fooled many with his charming surface.)

Secondly - as an adult. I was on the brink of leaving my H due to his attitude to DSS (his son, not mine, but we had sole residency and he addressed me as mum, I went to all parents evenings etc. Birth mum not in contact.) I arranged a family counselling session as a last ditch effort to try to keep us all together (I was very concerned that if I left he would deny me access to DSS and that DSS would be left with only an EA and VA dad.)

The counsellor was actually very good but it was a lost cause since my H would not engage with the process and just spent most of the session saying "I dunno" and "Ugh, whatever." My DSS found it awful.

Thirdly, I went to a group session with my then partner, my D(S)S (by this time I had been granted residence) and myself, with my DS's regular counsellor.

All of went in with an attitude that we wanted to bring some issues up which were upsetting us. Some of the things brought up were hard to hear, but all three of us were prepared to compromise, and to listen to the counsellor's suggestions, and it was actually very productive.

So I guess the takeaway messages are:
Never go to mediation/counselling with an abuser - they are far too adept at turning themselves into the victim
Mediation or counselling will only work if ALL the parties are prepared to make compromises, to apologise for past hurts, and committed to making things work TOGETHER.

Only you know if it is worth a chance for you. But good luck whatever you decide.

duffbeergoggles · 16/07/2018 20:41

@Lilsquish

Hi OP
please visit the Association for Family Therapy website where you will find all the information you need to make an informed and up to date decision about whether FT can be useful for you and you family.
There is also a register of qualified Family Therapists who are in private practice if you can't access one through services in your area.

I'd just like to say that Family counsellors/mediators are not Family Therapists although some Family Therapists also offer mediation.
HTH and good luck in your endeavours Smile

Lilsquish · 16/07/2018 21:14

Thank you for sharing your experiences pocket.

I can totally understand the points you have made regarding everyone being on board with it.

Is that the case in my situation? I dont know. But my attitude is that therapy surely cant make anything worse........

OP posts:
Lilsquish · 16/07/2018 21:15

Thank you duffbeer.

I will look into that. Xx

OP posts:
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