How can i help dh?

[KathH]

He's not great with what he calls "emotional stuff". One of his bf died suddenly about 3 yrs ago and he held in all his grief until the funeral when he literally fell apart. His other close friend died on Tuesday aged 40. I'm in bits but whenever I cry about it dh pushes me away and says "x wouldnt of wanted everyone crying over him". Which is probably true but I cant help it. I know dh is in bits but wont show it. I dont know what to do to make it "esaier" if thats the right word for it. The funeral is on Friday & I'm terrified dh will go completely to pieces when he sees the coffin. I hope this waffle makes sense - I've encouraged dh to ring his other mates & they all go for a beer in honour of their mate but dh wont entertain the idea.

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I think you've got to let him do it his way. Everyone grieves in different ways. Just be there for him on Friday and hold him up when he needs you too. Take care of yourself too. Even if you can't talk to him about it, I'm sure there are people in your circle of friends who will listen. Don't push him - just be there. Take care

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He's probably pushing you away because he's scared your crying will push him over the edge, and he's worried about losing control. I always cry when other people do!

All you can do is be there for him - you sound very understanding. Good luck for the funeral.

Thanks for your messages - i think you're right about me crying pushing him over the edge although he has started talking about his friend more this week.

Hope all goes as well as it can tomorrow Kath, be thinking of you.xx

It was a really lovely service - about 400 people there. DH was fine - it was me that lost it at the end when they took the coffin away to "The Show Must Go On" by Queen.

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sorry to drag this up again - dh is coping fine or so he says. I'm not - I keep having dreams about his mate, not awful dreams or anything just dreams, when I'm not dreaming about his friend I'm dreaming about my dad who died about 9 yrs ago.

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give it time cath, when my best friend died unexpectedly (to suicide) over 3 years ago i dreamed about her for AGES, still do intermittently and always do about a month or so before the 'anniversary'
I dream that she isnt really dead but in witness protection lol

its all part of the healing/grieveing process, I find it comforting at times, but a pain at other times.

You'll be dreaming about your Dad cos your grieving again xxx

Kath, sorry, I wrote that because my BF was called Cath lol, funny isn't it how your subconcious takes over!

thanks Dior - I think part of the problem is that I feel guilty if thats the right word about dreaming about his friend - there's so many more people affected than me - his wife, his daughter etc although I would class him as my friend as well as dh's. I dont know if its more about my dad - me & him were always close & when he died suddenly aged 51 I always felt that I'd coped better with it than I thought I would - does any of this rubbish make sense?

I think you grieve for the people closest to them aswell though, not just yourself.

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Novecane xposted! I think that's what the problem is. With our friend, one of the dreams I had was that I was trying to feed him a roast chicken dinner because that would make everything ok

Am going to bed now but just wanted to say thanks to you both - feel less of a loon now

GTG but will check on this thread tomorrow x

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