Bad idea? Closure conversation

[Seekingclosuremaybe]

Hi....

Name changed for this. Split from xh almost 2 years ago. Together 13, almost married ten, 3 dc. We co-parent pretty well and divorce all final etc. Long history of xh not treating me properly, emotional affair and final ONS before I threw him out. Made no attempt to change my mind and took up with new woman instantly. On about number 7 by now...

I have a new partner. Very much in love and happy and have re built my life. Looking to the future I feel this huge sense of insecurity because I don't understand what went wrong with xh. Why didn't he love me enough to treat me properly? Why wasn't I worth fighting for?

I feel like I actually need to ask him these questions. I don't want him back, and never ever would no matter what, but feel if I never understand then I will never fully trust a relationship again if that makes sense? I know he will give me the time and try and answer me if I do but I also have this niggle that it's a bad idea and really the reason doesn't matter, and it's probably just opening a can of worms. Thoughts? Be gentle please

Don't go there.

Trust me, as someone who asked these questions and tried to get the answers - it doesn't help.

Whatever he says will make you feel worse not better. He'll think he was in the right and he'll find a way to shift blame onto you and just, don't go there. Seriously, don't. It won't give you any form of 'closure' it'll just make you feel worse.

I honestly think these conversations never go the way you think they will.

I also think closure is a myth

It's nothing to do with you not being good enough for him. He is what he is and that's it. He has had 7 women since your break up, do you really think he is such a catch none of them have been good enough?

Leave it in the past and just accept you were too good for him.

OP, sounds like your EXH had lots of issues of his own to work through. It's difficult to give to others when you're working on yourself.

Try and look forward not back, that's gone and done with. Enjoy your life with you new partner for what it is. Best wishes.

Is it that you’re afraid your current relationship might go the same way in ten years’ time if you don’t work out what happened in the previous one?
It might be useful to talk to a counsellor on your own about your previous relationship, your current anxieties, and how you approach emotional issues in general.
But I think talking to your ex would just stir up old wounds. He is unlikely to give you an objective account anyway - he will try to justify himself by painting you as the problem, whether you were or not.
In any divorce there are always three versions: his story, her story and the truth.

I wouldn't go there, though I understand the enormous temptation to.

You won't get the answers you want from him, particularly as (in my experience) the true answer is just pure selfishness on his part. His behaviour says far more about him than it ever will about you.

Maybe a few counselling sessions would be good for you to sort through these issues? You deserve to have a happy, secure life.

Yes babdoc I think that's sort of it.... that I can't believe in the longevity of anything when I don't understand why? But I also know if I'd be the person I am now I wouldn't have even dated xh. He was wrong for me I just didn't have the confidence to acknowledge it and was so lonely and desperate for love I believed all he told me even though deep down I knew iykwim.

But I did really love him. So much. And we had lots of amazing times

Yes babdoc I think that's sort of it.... that I can't believe in the longevity of anything when I don't understand why? But I also know if I'd be the person I am now I wouldn't have even dated xh. He was wrong for me I just didn't have the confidence to acknowledge it and was so lonely and desperate for love I believed all he told me even though deep down I knew iykwim.

But I did really love him. So much. And we had lots of amazing times

I do not think you need to speak to him to resolve your issues as you clearly know what they are. Leave the past behind, you have learnt from it and move on.

What if his answer is simply "Because I wanted to fuck other people but also the convenience of a marriage"? Because that's the likely truth.

But more likely you'd just get "You weren't attentive enough to my needs", "You were always nagging me", "You weren't supportive enough of my need to play Call of Duty instead of doing my share of childcare", which is going to leave you feeling like shit.

Do you think he would even understand the question, let alone knowing the answer?

What do you think might be the reason?

This is conversation to have with councillor to explore why you don't feel worthy of being loved.
Your ex is not the person to speak to . He has shown you who he is . Shagger of your town. You were just one of many and you where different cos you turn a blind eye to his shagging. Till you could not .
Another conversation to have with counciler is to ask why you turn a blind eye .

You will never understand why.
Because you are a nice, normal person.
He on the other hand is NOT!
That's all you need to know.

Ok. Thank you all. I know I deserve to be loved and I understand why I put up with so much. Had some counselling at the start of the split. But you are right, he can't give me the answer because it just is who he is

This is conversation to have with councillor

No, it's not. They deal with dustbin collections and stuff like that. Far better to see a counsellor

I'm not being totally facetious. I once know someone who wanted a counsellor but did indeed end up asking a councillor for relationship advice.

Why is he urge so strong though, is it almost self destructive?

It's hard to leave long relationships behind particularly when they ended with infidelity after second chances but you've both moved on - particularly successfully in your case.

As PP say, Ex has no satisfactory answers for you but maybe individual sessions with a counsellor would be useful for you.

It's not you, it's him . In a few years he's been with 7 women. Relationships aren't for him.

I wanted to know why my bf (at the time) assaulted me. He wrote me a letter; stress, it wasn’t me, depression, I thought you didn’t care etc. In his rather pathetic ‘but I’m the real victim’ way, he showed me that he was the last person on this planet to provide answers to any of my questions. Which opened the door to me asking the right questions and they didn’t begin with ‘why didn’t he...’. The question I should have been asking, which incidentally I was the only one who could answer, was ‘why did I...stay’.

The brutal truth is, if he hadn’t of assaulted me, I would have stayed and that would have been the wrong decision.

It doesn't sound like your intention is self-destructive, no. Just a very understandable desire for an explanation as to why you (and your DC) were betrayed through no fault of your own. The only thing that can come out of it will be self-destruction, though.

Thanks all. I know you are right.