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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Broken up, don't know how to be around him

19 replies

Noodlee · 16/07/2018 07:59

So we have been broken up a few weeks but we still have to live together as neither of us can afford to move out and have no where else to go. But that makes things really hard and complicated and I don't know how to be around him. Like he still wants to make things work but we are too different and it's not going to work. But for example like this morning he asked if I can get a chance can I wash his work shirt. Do I wash it or not since we aren't together anymore I don't know? Do I do his washing if I'm doing mine and our Los anyway or not? I'm 20 and he was my first boyfriend and we had been together nearly 2.5 years so I don't know how this goes

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 16/07/2018 08:06

It's a bit petty to refuse, isn't it? It's just one shirt. He'll have to get organised to do his main washing though... there will come a time when he has no choice

Original poster

Noodlee · 16/07/2018 08:16

Well I wouldn't refuse to be petty but I didn't know what to do if we are broken up. Like do I put his clothes in with ours in general or do I not wash his? Do I was up his plates and cutlery if I'm washing up mine or Not? Do I put away his washing or Not? If I'm making a drink and he asks for one do I I make it or Not? I just don't know how to be, it's so hard and complicated

OP posts:

velourvoyageur · 16/07/2018 08:21

Has he offered to do any of your washing?
Think it depends whether he spotted you doing a wash and asked just to add it in, or whether he wants you to put one on specifically to get his shirt clean for when he needs it. In the latter case I'd say no even if it does seem petty, as keeping lives separate will already be so hard if you're living in the same place, so what you can keep separate you should imho or it'll turn into 'can you defrost this for me', 'can you pick x up from the shop' etc and you're not a housekeeper.
I mean you wouldn't look after your housemates this way. I like and hang out with mine & we still don't share tasks like this. I've also had to stay living with an ex post-breakup and immediately stopped doing this stuff for them.
Hope you can find a happy rhythm soon!

Original poster

Noodlee · 16/07/2018 08:25

Thank you for the comment. Yeah he does my washing and bits for me around the house but he doesn't want things to end and is just acting like we are still together/best friends kind of a thing which is hard. Yeah he got annoyed the other day because he said need to get some shopping in and I was like we need to do our shopping separately now as ex's don't shop together and he said it's just more convenient to do it together and I was like well we aren't together. Its so tough!!

OP posts:

velourvoyageur · 16/07/2018 08:28

You could also explain to him that you're not trying to be unkind but that artificially creating these 'domestic divisions' will make things easier day-to-day for both of you to move on from having had a joint life.
I'd say def don't do his washing up! I know it's tempting up but that could add another 10 mins onto your tasks every day and you just wouldn't do this unless he was your partner/relative etc.

Toohotme · 16/07/2018 08:31

How long is this arrangement going to be for?

When I had to live with exh, he did his own washing but I used to cook for the family and put up a meal for him as it felt petty not to do that.

Not sure looking back it was the right thing to do but I would say that you need plans to completely separate ASAP as it is a very stressful way to live.

Toohotme · 16/07/2018 08:33

Also what do you expect from him? My exh was good at diy and maintaining the house/doing the garden etc so both of you will need to contribute to running the house in some way.

Original poster

Noodlee · 16/07/2018 08:37

I really want us to not have to live like this because it's so hard. I want to live separate but financially it's not possible right now. I don't expect anything from him apart from just to do his own cleaning up. He does mine too and chore wise he acts like nothing has happened but I don't expect anything from him apart to clean up after himself and change the bin

OP posts:

velourvoyageur · 16/07/2018 08:49

His doing your chores creates a debt (however small) and he knows it'll make you feel you owe him to 'give and take' and mimic your previous relationship. This is unfair and manipulative even if on the surface he doesn't plan it that way. I would ask him to stop doing that.

Original poster

Noodlee · 16/07/2018 09:46

I don't think he is like that though. I think he just likes to help out. That's why it's tough

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 16/07/2018 10:00

What's the situation with the tenancy agreement?

Original poster

Noodlee · 16/07/2018 19:34

We are joint tenants with a council house

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 16/07/2018 19:45

OK. Have you been in touch with the LHA to ask for their advice?

For right now, stop doing ANYTHING that makes his life easier. Making him wash his own skidmarks and do his own shopping may well get him thinking "maybe I'd be better off flat-sharing with Jim from work" which means you could take over the tenancy as a sole occupant.

Emotion wise, just keep it broken record: "We're not together any more."

Original poster

Noodlee · 16/07/2018 20:26

Not yet.

See he is helping me out a lot doing my washing and cleaning up and then I feel bad not helping him out because he generally just wants to help me.

It's so emotional because he keeps saying how we should be together and it's not fair

OP posts:

velourvoyageur · 17/07/2018 09:10

OP but exactly, he knows on some level that if he does X (doing stuff for you), you will do Y (do stuff for him) if you want to avoid feeling guilty and that therefore nothing will change. Even if this is not his conscious intention, he can observe the effect of his actions and if he were really being nice and respecting your feelings, he would stop. But he knows how it benefits him, because you will reciprocate and in doing so continue in all but name playing the part of his partner. He's at fault because he's not stopping despite knowing this. So in the end it is not really all that kind.
Have you tried asking him not to do this stuff?

Original poster

Noodlee · 17/07/2018 11:44

Yeah I asked him to yesterday. See it's so hard because I still love him and I wish we could have worked things out so I keep doubting my decision in my head but at the same time I know how different we are...

OP posts:

Fuckwithnosensesauce · 17/07/2018 18:46

Youneed boundaries or to leave. If this continues you will end up back together.

Original poster

Noodlee · 17/07/2018 18:51

It's so hard because a part of me wants us to be together because we had been together nearly 2.5 but then I know how different we are and that that causes arguments

OP posts:

ladamanera · 17/07/2018 20:17

If one of the reasons that you are different is your attitude to housework then you need to separate the tasks out. Flatmates have rotas. Try that? Beware of him chipping away at your defences. If you are really splitting up, you have to make a plan to actually do that and tell him eg you are putting money away every month to eventually move out. Or if “birdnesting” (a Scandinavian idea where you have one house for the children but arent together and when want to see other people dp it outside the house) then make that clear by having house rules and having evenings where you go out and tell him whenyou’ll be back (considerate and youd do for a babysitter) but not who with, where going, etc. Have a dont ask dont tell policy about other people while still so raw-but discuss it. Don’t invite him places. Dont email and text him your day. Distance yourself from him being your significant other. If you havent havd a flatmate before it is hard to understand what to model this on, but frank conversations about each bit remind him that you are committed to this. Its so tough because when there are kids, he will feel not only like he wants to fightfor you but virtuous in doing so “for the childs sake”. Never forget you are also leaving an incompatible relationship “for the childs sake” - and stay strong.

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