Marriage is falling apart

[Squirrel31]

Hi all,

I've been married for 8 years and we have a 3 year old DS. We constantly argue and can't see eye to eye about anything. Today my son put his arm round me and said 'mum be happy' and it broke my heart. Problem is financially I'd be so much worse off if we split as I can't afford to maintain current mortgage on PT salary. I'm terrified of the unknown but locked in a cycle of vicious arguments. I don't hate other half but we can't continue to snipe in front of our son and he won't consider marriage counselling but says he is miserable as well. Any experience out there of a similar situation??

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What are the arguments about?
Could you both think back to what you loved about each other when you first married - are those things still there?
What would have to change to make things happy again?

Thanks for responding I can't even untangle where the arguments start and end - we are just angry all the time. He has just quit his job after trying to get a new one for 1 year due to long commute - I lost my job but am just about to start a new PT one. We sleep in separate rooms as DS won't sleep alone and it just feels like a cycle of misery. We can't have one day out without a row so I don't look forward to anything anymore.

Why won't he consider counselling, particularly as it's proving impossible for you to conceal your arguments/unhappiness from your DC? It's plain that it's not practical for the 2 of you to resolve your difficulties without outside assistance (it can help to have a detached observer/someone to talk to). Would he not consider the harm it's doing your DC and realise that he has to overcome his own apprehensions/prejudices about counselling and do it for DS?

I've seen lots of praise for the Gottman Institute relationship resources (research-based approach)

Even if he refuses counselling, it might be useful for you to have individual sessions so that you can talk things through.

Thank you he has absolutly refused marriage counselling and said he would rather split up than have an outsider tell him what the problems are. He is very stubborn and we've moved to a new area and I have no friends around me anymore

Has he genuinely considered the impact on your DS?

It's not a particularly admirable attitude, but it's one thing to declare that you'd sooner split up than talk to an outsider. I'm not too sure that adults have the right to be that insouciant about breaking up when a child is involved.

Does he not acknowledge the harm this is doing to DS? Have you managed to both talk about this harm and what will happen either if you continue to row or you split?

It’s difficult, kids test us, there was certainly a period where my wonderful wife was a total arse to live with and I didn’t want to go home, and I’m sure I was just as bad.

Laying blame doesn’t work, it just harbours resent. I had to work really hard to make things good again, we were never on the verge of splitting up but for some time it was very very difficult, and toddlers do nothing but ram it down your throat about all the freedom / money / time etc that you used to have and as a by-product, the things you used to do together.

I love my little boy, he’s amazing, but we pack him off to grandmas for the day regularly not be cause we need a break, but because we need to be husband and wife, not mum and dad.

Young children put a strain on many relationships. I too agree with trying to make time for just you and your husband. Get someone yo look after your ds whilst you go and do something fun together. Your ds will also get a lot easier now.

If in the end up I decide that you no longer want to continue then there is tax credits etc that can help you, so have a look at that.

Thank you all for your wonderful words of wisdom. Our DS has learning difficulties from a brain injury that occurred at birth and I think we do need a bit of time to ourselves. I hate admitting that we are not coping and I wonder how couples with more than 1 child/twins etc manage and still seem very happy with each other. I'll try scheduling a night off to see if that help

I sit on the Board for a company that deals with adults that have learning difficulties, and the truly successful parents we see are those that have found a way to accept the situation, and the constraints imposed.

Guilt is often the main driving force for whatever reason, and It’s so sad to see healthy couples drift apart. But do not feel guilty for having your own enjoyment and life. Yes, we should all love and cherish our chikdren, which we do, but you should also cherish your partner, they were there first remember.

Hopefully he has a good friend that could give him a kick up the arse?

Unfortunately a good friend is what hubby is lacking. He is very much a lone wolf and doesn't have any close friends, this is a big part of the problem I think. I've tried to encourage him to socialise over the years without much luck. He doesn't go out of his way for anyone. It's sad he can't see how much he has to lose at the moment but he thinks I'm a walking dragon so maybe not that much of a loss?! I'll try a date night but something will need to change soon for both our sakes.