Seriously depressed friend...how can I help?

[Janos]

I feel like a complete bitch.

Let me try and explain (am trying to think this out). Put simply, I feel as though I have had enough. Yes, I know that sounds dreadful and selfish. Her relentless, endless negativity about everything is really getting to me, very badly. I spend so much time being worried sick. She has threatened suicide twice in the past month. However the moment you respind seriously to it she backs off. She's is getting medical support of a kind..regularly seeing a therapist and a doctor.

Things have escalated recently because she has changed her anti-depressants to a new type which has given her un-pleasant side effects. This has given her something new to obsess and worry over (believe me she worries a lot..is a very anxious person).

There is so much more but really, I'm at my wits end about what I can do to help her. It's got to the point where I don't want to talk to her anymore and that is just awful and makes me feel tremedously guilty, because underneath this illness she is such a lovely, kind, warm person and a great friend.

Not sure if anyone has any useful advice, but if they do it would be very gratefully received and will be listened to ((Well not litsened, YKWIM).

Anyway, just needed to get some of that out. Thanks for reading.

Couldn't believe it when I read this thread as I'm going through something similar. No real advice though sorry! My friend is depressed & very anxious at the moment, as a result of some stuff going on in her life. I feel she's turning to me for help & I feel overwhelmed by it. Not sure what to do but listen & try to get her to get professional help.

I too feel like I've had enough & am trying to limit the time I spend with her, then feel very guilty and selfish.

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Bobsyouruncle what you describe is exactly how I feel. It's really, really tough isn't it?

Don't you wish there was a magic switch you could flick to make it better? I know I do.

What sort of help (if any) is your friend getting, apart from your support?

Depression or anxiety does make you very self obsessed,because its consumes you entirely-you really don't see what you are putting others through..

If shes just changed her medication,maybe kinda sit back a bit and hopefully as the meds kick in ,she will slowly awake from her despair,can understand how tough it must be though for you.I don't think your selfish for one second....shes putting you under alot of pressure especialy with suicide threats.

She is getting medication from her gp and support from family but she doesn't really have any other close friends & I get the feeling family have had enough too.

I start to feel anxious myself when I'm meeting up with her & am upset for a long time afterwards. Its definitely on my mind alot. DH & my friends feel I should back off a bit for my own sanity but it's not that easy is it?

"Gosh, my first thought was an angry one, because you could have been talking about me! I'm not as obsessive as the person you are describing, but it is similar when I am in the depths of my despair. "

I can completely understand that Dior and apologise if I've upset you in any way. I would never ever say any of this to my friend as she would be terribly hurt.

It's a difficult situation as she only 'reveals' her depression to certain people and they have the 'burden' of dealing with it/supporting/helping her. ATM it's me and her boyfriend.

Additionally she is the kind of person who puts on a facade of 'coping' and I'm sure this isn't helping at all.

"I start to feel anxious myself when I'm meeting up with her & am upset for a long time afterwards. Its definitely on my mind alot. DH & my friends feel I should back off a bit for my own sanity but it's not that easy is it? "

Again, exactly how I feel.....she won't tell any of her family (very strained relationship).

I do know that depression can make you infuriating and selfish; have been there myself (very severe PND after DS was born..I was a complete nightmare).

Am hoping that she will start to slowly feel better with these new meds...but this has been going on for years. Maybe these ones will help, I really hope so.

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No Dior nowhere near so don't worry

Part of the problem is I don't get to see her very much, as we are in different parts of the country. I do contact her at least once a day or try to. Which is also part of the problem unofrtunately.

AM trying to back off a little and still be supportive...very, very hard!

I've also have suffered with depression, maybe that's why we feel so much empathy with our friends? Hopefully my friends meds will make a difference too. I think I can only try to support her but without letting it take over my life, for my own sake. Got to go as dh just home & expects some attention but update me? Good luck

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That's probably a good idea Dior. I really must back away a little, realising she can rely on herself may be a positive thing for her.

No problem with the updates bobsyouruncle - will let you know what happens. And thank you for the good wishes...you too!

Yes, try to back off a little, especially if your friend is being cared for by both a doctor and a therapist. Remember you are neither, and you are entitled to your own life.
Does she have email? You could, perhaps, send her a friendly, cheerful email every day (or even a card via snailmail) which reminds her that you care about her but stops you getting dragged in.
And I do know what this is like as I have had more than one friend with depression problems. I've often wanted to hit them over the head at intervals when they've been really bad because, no matter how much you care about them, depressed people can be a total pain in the twat, especially if you are not getting any time or space away from them.

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Thanks for asking Dior.

Well there isn't much to tell at the moment -everyday I send a friendly text or email to my friend just to ask how she is and let her know I'm thinking of her. 9 times out of 10 I will get a reply.

The last response I got from her sounded a little more positive, which I'm hoping is a good sign.

Like I said before I wish there was more I could do to help.

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Thanks Dior So do you!

"It is always nice to have people ask though, so I'm sure your friend really appreciates it.
"
That's how I'm trying to look at it - just having someone asking 'how are you?' and actually caring about the answer can help, even a tiny bit. Little steps!

That's how I did things when I was very bad with depression and it does start to make a difference.

Just to let you know that things seem to be slowly improving...Just little steps like she njoys watching a TV program but it's promising as I remember 'little steps' being the key to feeling better.

Daring to to feel hopeful for my friend...I think this is a good sign

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