Why can't I just tell him to F off?

[dilly123]

Very long story so I'll try to be brief..
Known him 5 years.. initially it was a fwb casual thing he called it off ..(well, stopped texting like a coward).. remained on ok terms would say hello if bumped into one another.. for me he was the one, my feelings for him stopped me getting involved with anyone else. Fast forward a couple of years & he asked if we could try again, properly & we dated for a few months until once again the contact stopped.. hurt & humiliated once again people's "I told you so's" ringing in my ears I picked myself up & carried on. Stayed on ok terms as were in same social circles.. I have dated 1 person since but it didn't work out, he apparently has not dated since.. I was still drawn to him in the last couple of years but less so of late.. his personality is not attractive & in my heart I know we are not suited for various reasons (I don't think he'll ever think I'm good enough for him)..

Today out of the blue he gets in touch indicated interest again.. I said it was nice to hear from him when I know I should of said thanks but no thanks... I'm not sure I even want to go there again.. he makes me feel inadequate & needy (although I'm really not, in fact I'm quite emotionally unattached except for my children).. I don't even feel flattered my 1st thought was he & his mate were winding me up..

I need to move on once & for all don't I?

I'm not convinced you can guarantee not to get sucked in again. He's taking advantaged of your low self esteem and you've been kidding yourself that you can handle a fwb scenario or whatever other scraps he throws you. Do yourself a favour. Send him a final message telling him in no uncertain terms the sex was absolute shite and he's turned into a fat slob that gives you the boak. That should stop him ever trying to rope you in again.

Change your number.

I expect he knows he's being a bit of a hound, but the problem is that you have basically given him plausible deniability - he keeps shagging you for a few weeks, then vanishing, and yet you always have him back. So he can tell himself that you aren't that bothered about his disappearances - you're happy with the deal and it's very casual for you, etc.

I hope this time is the last time for you and him - although it can be fun to think of very acidic put downs and ways to get revenge, none of them are really worth going through with. You care about him far more than he cares about you, and so there's no way of evening-up the score. Any angry "last message" you send him will just make him feel a fleeting sense of disappointment that his easy shag is now pitching a fit, and allow him to construct a "bitches be crazy" narrative about you getting too into him.

@SendintheArdwolves

Yes, I agree totally.. as much as I'd like to send a very hurtful final text I will not give him the satisfaction of knowing I got sucked in again.. I think to just completely ignore his existence will be more effective but definitely not going back to being amicable.. I don't really socialise with the other women in our original social circle anymore anyway so no need to be polite or ever see him again.

Thank you everyone

Good plan - certainly don't feel like you need to be friends or even friendly with him. You can just drift away from him, and ignore the next casual message when it comes (and it definitely will).

Also, in time you may look back and be glad of this slightly tawdry end. You said that at the start, you thought he was The One and that your feelings for him were stopping you from meeting anyone else. If he hadn't revealed himself to be selfish, lazy in bed and fundamentally cowardly, you might have spent years romanticising his memory and thinking "if only".

At least this way you can properly move on and find someone better