My husband is acting like a child, and I don't want a child with him anymore!

[Crossfitgirl]

Ladies I need some advice... my DH and I recently decided to start trying for a family, we have been together 6 years, and are genrally happy having had the usual ups and downs of marriage. In the past he used to have quite terrible mood swings, where he would get moody / grumpy for days or weeks on end, but over the years this seems to have settled as he's got older and more able to talk about his feelings, and I thought he was past it. However, the last few weeks he has been moody every evening, snapping at things, and digging at every little thing he can whether it be I didn't clean up immediately after tea, or someone is parked in "his spot" outside. The last straw was today, we drive an hour to go to my twin nephews party, and for whatever reason he would not integrate with me, anyone else, or the kids, he actually took himself off to the car and refused to come back the entire time. I think it was because when we got there my brother jokingly said he forgot we were coming, he took it the wrong way. I felt embarrassed having to explain to my brother where he was.
I am now worried about having a child with him. If he can be like this when we have no responsibilities, no real stresses and are meant to be enjoying ourselves, what is he going to be like when we are both sleep deprived and have a tiny human to be responsible for? I don't feel like I can rely on him to be supportive at the moment, he is really making me feel quite inadequate as it is, I can never do anything right and even when I do, he finds something else to be moody about. He has spent most evenings the last week staring at his phone or the tv, showing no interest in me whatsoever. I've even suggested a date night or going for a walk (where we can tend to have good chats without screens getting in the way) but he never feels like it or just doesn't seem interested.
Has anyone else been through anything similar? I really don't know what to do. At the moment, TTC isn't going to happen as the last thing I feel like doing is having sex!!! :-( :-( :-(

I'm glad you are not ready to give up. It's a rough patch that's all.
I've been married for 29 years and we've made it work because we love each other. We live in a disposable society now but marriage shouldn't be. We waited 16 years to have a child and it has been great. We were ready.
Men mature very slowly they get better after 40.
Maybe you need to take your time and try to have some fun. Don't make drastic changes. Sounds like your DH needs some time to calm down.
The only thing that I would not tolerate is for him to pick on you. That has to stop.
Have you noticed how many people advice to end the marriage?
That's crazy advice to me. You can both fix this and have a family in the future.

Hi OP,

I totally understand that you don't want to give up on this relationship. I'm concerned that you seem to be taking responsibility for making things "right" though- "I've suggest we go to yoga, I've suggested a date night". Does he acknowledge that it's not ok to treat you like this and he is using you to take out all his frustrations on? Does he recognise the impact of his behaviours on others eg sitting in the car while you have to explain where he is? If he thinks he has depression or is struggling to cope, he needs to take responsibility for this, book himself an appt with the GP and get help. You cannot fix this by yourself.

In answer to your question directed to those who have kids- I have a child with my DP and dear god it was an incredibly hard first year. We are good communicators but when you are chronically sleep deprived and under huge stress, this can just go out the window unless you both try hard to keep this going. We noticed that when we were both struggling the most, we had stopped talking to one another how we feel. We also became very good at apologising to one another! Not in an off-hand way, more of a "I absolutely didn't mean what I said last night, I am so so tired and took it all out on you because you're the only person here and I'm so sorry".

It's bloody hard. Ideally you need to have these conversations about how you'll cope before getting pregnant. Good luck.

Don't have kids with someone like that unless you are completely desperate/punching above your weight in other ways. If you have children with him you will have to take on 100% of the time or he will behave this was 95% of the time instead of 5% of the time.

Your DH sounds very childish and demanding. Some men don't understand what happens when you have a baby. There will be Someone Else getting ALL the attention.
Your DH didn't want to go into your brother's house that time because he is jealous of your family 'controlling' you and taking your attention from him. He was thinking to himself 'oh yes the bloody twins, she loves them more than me and we have to go and visit them. What about me?? Why doesn't she ask me how I am feeling? Boo hoo hoo. No one cares about me and My Feelings'

@pirandello24 Yes, he is aware of how he acted affected me - I told him exactly how he made me feel, how embarrassing it was, and how unacceptable it was - he was actually really apologetic, he didn't try to defend himself or justify his behaviour, and I think he was ashamed. You are very right, I am very much the initiative in our relationship, I have always been that way. He has never been one to immediately take action, however if left to his own devices eventually he does of his own accord it just takes him a long time and I'm too impatient / unwilling to lengthen the time he spends being grumpy to wait for that so end up prompting him. That is very much his personality and is unlikely to change, but it's one of the dynamics of our relationship and always has been - they say opposites attract. I've always been very proactive and positive. Sometimes he has surprised me, he has planned whole holidays with full itineraries, booked spa days, or organised what we're doing at the weekend. Only the other morning he brought me breakfast in bed. It's not all a slog on my part.
Thank you so much for your account of parenting in the first year, it's really helpful to know what the reality is and your advice on how it can impact on your relationship, I need to know this to be able to know we would be prepared. At the moment it sounds like he would need to spend a lot of time being very good at apologies too! But I also need to consider me, I can also be snappy and grumpy when I'm tired, so if I'm not the understanding and patient person I usually am or if im too weary to be my usual initiative driven self, then he would have no chance... he would need to support me even if hes feeling low himself... could he do that? I dont know. You're right it is really important for me to have these conversations with him before we do anything else. Xx

If he's already resorted to 'running away' when made cross by a joke, then expect him to vanish A LOT when the baby arrives.
Babies can make life a living hell of zero sleep and nightmarish stints of crying.

Can you honestly, hand on heart, trust such a man to not get driven to anger -or worse- by this?

@colbu24 thanks for the marriage advice. 29 years of marriage is great! We both have the same attitude in that respect, in that we work through rough patches and as a result our relationship has actually got stronger, it's definitely not perfect but then, who has a perfect marriage? Yes it's quite upsetting to see all the responses of leave him, forget about kids, end it now before it's too late. I wasn't even considering that, so it was a bit shocking to read. I was reaching out for advice and support on how to handle it, and was hoping others who had maybe had similar troubles could help. I'm 30 and he is 32, so there's still a way to go to maturity. We got married in May last year. It's still useful to read others views, and despite people telling me to leave, it's reassuring to hear that others also think it's not acceptable behaviour, and to be encouraged to think about me and what I'm willing to put up with. By no means am I going to let him make me miserable, but men are a different breed sometimes and it's hard to know what's really going on in their head.

I think it'd be really useful to hear if any other men out there have been in a similar situation- maybe struggling with something, talking about their feelings, or feeling anxious and this impacting on their relationship? What was going on in your head? What helped resolve it? What did you do to help yourself? Could you do it alone or did you need some support from your partner? x

Hi OP,

Glad my post was helpful. Things that stood out of your reply:

• so he was apologetic when you pointed out his behaviour was not ok, which is good that he can acknowledge what he's done....but then what? Is he thinking about these patterns of behaviour and what he can do to stop himself doing a similar thing again? Is he thinking about why he does this? It's very hard to have this level of insight into your own behaviour so it wouldn't surprise me if he doesn't have the answers- but is he interested in finding out? Does he think your relationship is worth it?

• You say you are happy with your current dynamic where you are the positive one/ push to make changes happen. This might be true now, but I fear that if/ when you have kids you will start to resent this dynamic and the pressure if puts on you to always be "in charge". You cannot always be the positive one, there will be times when you'll need him to step up and if this dynamic isn't worked on now, it certainly won't be easy to change post-kids. I would hope that if he really does care for you and any future children you may have, he would recognise that this dynamic between you both isn't fair on you, and would want to change it. It's great that he does nice things for you, that's really important, but these are things that benefit him too. It's easy to give gifts and surprise your partner on a special occasion, but those aren't the most important things in a relationship- they're just the decoration.

I would really, really recommend therapy- individually for him at first (and for you, to think about your own needs and why you are so accepting of this behaviour- not a criticism just an observation), and then perhaps couple therapy- but he has to want this and be prepared to make changes.

A living hell of zero sleep and nightmarish stints of crying sounds like something that would push ANYBODY to anger. From what it sounds like, everybody struggles with this, whether you have a good relationship or not. Is there not an element of normal to a new child pushing relationships and sanity to the edge? You say he wouldn't cope, but what's to say he wouldn't cope any more or less than a normal person who perhaps isn't used to dealing with moods at all before? At least we have experience of these difficulties in the past and know how to get through it, surely this can mean we have our strategies that work, yes maybe it'd be harder than usual but actually we got through it before and can do it again. whereas maybe for others who are used to being in happy, fulfilling relationships all the time would just be pushed to breaking point and more likely to separate? Just a thought.

Thank you @pirandello24, those are wise words and I am thinking hard about it. Yes I think I would get tired if that was the case all the time. Sometimes I do need lifting up myself, and thinking about it, I tend to turn to my friends for that. I think he does need therapy, but he needs to want this himself, I'm not going to force it on him. Maybe I should try to step back from being the one taking all the action, and just leave it all up to him and see where that leaves us. If he doesn't step up and I don't feel like I can have a child with him, then that really would be the end of our marriage. I'll keep you posted. Xx

I would be open and honest with him- tell him all your concerns, everything you're worried about, how you'd like your relationship to be different. Ask him what he thinks about what you've said, get his opinion, he needs to actively participate in the conversation. If you're both on the same page, tell him you can't be the one to instigate any changes by yourself, and you can't change him. By all means suggest therapy but like you said he has to want to do this, and seek out help himself. Then the ball is in his court, and his actions will show you if he really can make the changes you need. Best of luck.

I agree with Pirandello. I think you're clutching at straws a bit OP.

You, as a couple, and he as an individual, do not have experience of dealing with negative feelings effectively. You have experience of him being moody and self-pitying (and quite possibly vindictive) for extended periods and you having to make a lot of effort to get him to see this and stop doing it. Every single time. Because, as Pirandello says, despite his apology, he hasn't apparently looked into why he does this, or accepted that it's important, to him, that he seek to avoid doing it again and again.

If you carry on like that, he's basically treating you as his emotional carer, the person who tells him what the rules are and sorts eveything out. His mum. Yuck. Who wants to have an adult, sexual relationship with someone who sees himself as a child and her as his mum?

Yes, babies and sleeplessness push everyone over the edge and yes, having relevant experience and tactics in place help e.g. people who've done shift work and long on-call hours aren't as thrown by the lack of sleep as others. But your DH needs to develop some tactics before you'll have any at your joint disposal.

I think there's an important distinction between someone immature who does want to have dcs and can be patient with small children and, someone whose moodiness, self-pity and manipulation are part of a deeper selfishness or desire to control.

The immature one can mature quite quickly when faced with a baby to look after and I've seen people like this, who are a bit unsure of themselves and their place in the world, really come into their own as hands-on fathers, fatherhood giving them a new purpose and identity.

The selfish, controlling one though (and remember this comes about through weakness and attempts to cover it, not any dastardly plan), will become more selfish and more controlling when faced with the total diversion of your attention that a baby brings.

What's he like with small children? Interested? Kind? It might be worth a bit of gentle acclimatisation with other peoples', as well as this giving you a helpful chance to observe.

Do you want to be an Emotional Battering board, for this "man" for the next 50 years? Doesn't sound like much fun to me.

I would definitely say therapy before kids. It should concentrate his mind. At 32, I'd say there's little hope of him maturing out of this and children will exacerbate not help.

I've been there, although not quite as extreme. You'll find once you have kids, your patience for these behaviours will plummet and there's no way your relationship will get stronger as you'll be pretty pissed off at having to work at things which should be sorted by your husband's age.

Children really don't bring people closer, they test relationships to the limit, show the closest of couples each other's worst side and make small weakness become huge crevasses. Don't paper over these cracks, your husband has to work very very hard to overcome them.

As I said I have a similar husband in that he finds it very hard to recognise what needs to be ignored in life and has a tendency to over react to things he doesn't like. Children do this in spades themselves and also there is A LOT that needs to be ignored, noise, lack of sleep, all manner of potential health and development issues, a constant inability to do things when and how you want them, regular disruption to plans, very little time to sit back and contemplate anything, constant mixing with people you may not like or want to spend time with (family can become a lot more involved, children's friends have parents, there are parties, activities, school events etc).

To people like your husband (and mine!) life becomes a daily trial of not being able to do what they want, or control people's reactions. Most people let this wash over them and can laugh and joke about life as it is but for some that just doesn't happen.

My marriage is fine, we've survived but its not the same.