Cheating husband - so unhappy - any words of wisdom?

[UnhappyLifeWithCheatingHuaband]

Found out 3 months ago that my husband was cheating on me. Started digging and he has been cheating in one form or another for at least 4 years. I didn't say anything, so he doesn't know I know. There is no point in confronting him - he has ruined what we had, crossed the line, there will be no coming back from it.

Now it looks like his latest relationship of 7 months has fizzled out, and although he still sees her from time to time, their relationship has died and he is looking for another one. The reason for it to finish I imagine that he refused to split with me as we have 2 little DC together and he doesn't want to live separately from them. The breakup will also ruin us financially as there is no way he can support 2 households. I could see him mourning his "big love" when it ended, in his head he is "sacrificing" himself to an unhappy life with me.

I don't have any support system around me. I work part time when my youngest is in pre school and my hours are being further reduced. It will be at least another year until I will be able to work full time (earning considerably less than him). I have moved countries to be with him and my family is thousands of miles away from me. I have build my life in this country around him.

I am so, so unhappy I have lost my partner I trusted so implicitly. I feel hugely betrayed that my complete trust in him enabled him to cheat on me for so long undetected. I'm devastated for my children.

I try and go out and build some kind of social life and gain a little bit of independence, but I'm so incredibly sad inside all the time, from the moment I wake up, to the moment I fall asleep, and then I have dreams in which my husband is poisoning me.

I'm reading Chump lady website and it gives me some sort of false courage. It will take me years to gain independence from him, if at all.

If you have any words of advise, please, share. I'm desperate.

I truly feel you pain.

Personally I would speak to him but we are all different. Where abouts are you in the country ( north/south). I know what it’s like not to have a support network.

I too feel your pain. I have recently found out my husband is cheating and am so so lucky my family are nearby, i cant imagine how tough it must to to not have that.

Try to get your strength from your children, i know my DD is the only reason i can function some days.

If you feel you cant say anything yet you can put your energy into planning your escape. It might help to feel theres a light at the end of the tunnel?

There are so many other people who have been through this & come out the other side, you will too

OP - this isn’t a way to live. Really.

All I will say is that people tend to overestimate how affected they’ll be by a traumatic event - eg death, loss, divorce too...

So - you will be OK without him. You will build up your life, find friends, etc. Finances will get sorted.
It won’t take ages.
And yes - kids will also adjust and be OK.

What won’t be OK and will impact you and the kids in the long term - is a depressed and unhappy mother, in an unhappy marriage.
And - having found out what you have - there isn’t a way for you to keep living a lie.

Hello, sorry you find yourself here. I can relate and know that horrid feeling well. Are you going to confront him? I have those dreams to, I haven't slept well for months now.

Big hugs 💕

Time to start making plans. It’s a positive thing that you’ve found out and the fact that he doesn’t know you are aware gives you the perfect opportunity to organise yourself.
Someone more clever than me will tell you exactly what you need to do but certainly make copies of bank statements, pension paperwork, mortgage stuff if you have it. Take any important documents and keep them safe away from the house.
Get yourself to a solicitor for a consultation to find out where you stand.
You’ve got this. Be strong

I too have recently discovered my OHs infidelity so really feel for what you're going through.
Try & be kind to yourself & keep posting here- there seems to be lots of good people with sensible and caring advice.
Personally I don't know how you've managed not to confront him but as someone else said, it does give you time to pause and seek advice.
Relate do a free webchat which I found helpful as a starting point.
Good luck

I wouldn’t worry, if he’s been doing it for that long he deserves to be taken to the cleaners.

Get your ducks in order and look after yourself, there’s millions of people out there that would love to be with you, go spend your efforts on one of those instead.

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

No thebird93, I am not going to confront him. Not until I'm ready to divorce him, I don't want to give him heads up. If I confront him and stay, he will drive it further underground, and after of being taken advantage of for so long because of my ignorance, I want to know what exactly is going on. Or he might stop pretending and seeing that he is getting away with it will do it in my face.

I have taken photos of the papers and saw a solicitor a month ago. I need to build up my life quite a bit before I leave him.

A wise move I think OP, start by thinking of yourself first , a wise lady lawyer told me to never leave from a point of weakness unless you were in danger or felt unsafe. It is hard though I can tell you and he is likely to suspect something ‘is up’

@UnhappyLifeWithCheatingHuaband ah good plan however it must be painful for you. I'm quietly planning how to get myself and my two children out of this mess also. I'm basically pretending it's ok (ish). It's far from ok, I feel totally betrayed I will not spend the rest of my life with this vile man. Do you have a plan? I have copies of documents/bank accounts and passport ect all hidden not in this house. Where have you moved to? I'm also pretty much alone here in fact I've spent 18 month alone whilst he was working away until January - not as hard as I thought! Be strong 💐

Make a plan, seek advice, take copies of everything...if your kids haven’t started school yet take your kids on a holiday home (without him) to see your friends and family and get some support, real life support. Give yourself a break from him

I'm not sure how to live with a husband who doesn't like me, even despises me, but pretends otherwise. It does show in his outbursts, but everyday life is business as usual. It's disorientating. My life is one big mindfuck.

I am planning for the future. I want to be in position to stay in the family home after divorce. So I need to retrain and find a full time job. I'm saving money to pay for divorce. I need to build my credit history. I have never had a credit card in my life. I'm trying to get one. I have always been looked after by men. This needs to change. I need to learn to look after myself and my DC, stand on my own 2 feet.

Interesting as I've also started the same process, I have two credit cards now to help build a credit history for myself. Up until now I've never bothered as my husband has always been the high earner and paid for everything - never had to worry financially. What would you like to retrain to do work wise? I've kept my foot in the door so to speak by doing 10 hrs a week from home. I'm planning to up my hours if I can to help build a nest egg. I do wonder why he's bothered staying with me .. these younger models all child free seem to have boosted his ego somewhat! Me.. I'm just the stay at home mother keeping the house tidy and the kids in school. Heartbreaking he could be so cold and cheat like he has. We both deserve better. Be strong xx

Hi thebird
Thank you for replying to me again. He is staying with you because it's convenient for him. He's got a wife appliance to look after him, home and kids, and exciting love/sex on a side as well. Why would he jeopardise that lovely set up and divide his assets (if he divorces you) as well?

I am facing breakup and going through divorce with little help. I will have to do it on my own. It is scary. So need to prepare and make it as smooth and easy for myself as I can.

I'd love to walk away but financially it would be very tough and I'd risk the kids losing out on family inheritance.. hence me staying. I've had my eyes opened however and no longer see the man I married. When the time is right I'll dump him and let him know exactly why. I'm sad so many mothers end up in this situation, we raise the children, keep the house and lose our identities on the way. They just trade us in for a new toy it would seem! One thing I'm sure of, I'll never trust another man and have no desire to start again with someone new. Do you have any outside interests to keep you happy? Away from the kids and time by yourself? I've embarked on a new found hobby - stand up paddle boarding (we love by the sea) I've used his credit card to buy myself a rather nice board, booked lessons every Saturday throughout the summer and intend to escape into my own little world

I might be missing something, but wouldn't you be better off divorcing him while you're not earning much? Then you're more likely to get the lion's share of the family money.

Then build up your hours at work, etc, afterwards.

I think staying while you improve your credit rating is a delaying tactic - sorry.

A lot of feelings you describe truly resonate with me thebird. I too lost all trust in men. If the husband and the father of my children treats me this way, what to expect from others? I'm dreaming of a life independent from men. I don't think I ever be interested in marriage/committed relationship again. I want to surround myself with fabulous girlfriends. Well done on your new hobby. I would love a new hobby but still unsure of what will make me happy. I started going out more and saying yes to whatever opportunities come across, and it surprised my H as I used to be a real home body directing all my attention to the DC and house. And I was happy doing it, until... Now I have a need to have a life of my own.

WhatsGoingOnEh I came up with the plan after speaking with a solicitor. I don't want to go into details but to keep the family home I will need to take on the mortgage. I'm not in a position to do it now. Saying that I do use it as a delaying tactic as well. I'm not emotionally ready to break out yet. I will do it at my own pace.

UnhappyLife,you are right to put yourself first and build friendships, I have done this too in case everything does go tits up, I had totally let it lapse in favour of constantly appeasing H who doesn’t have local friends and being around for company and I regret that .