Has anyone else experienced grandparents who aren’t interested?

[Pumkinfailure]

I’m looking for advice how to deal with this. My kids have one living grandparent, my dad. He rarely sees us or my kids and when he does visit us or us him we manage a few hours with him before he seems to be done. For example if we travel 5 hours to see him (we would generally stay in a hotel) wed perhaps meet up for a meal and then he would decline all other invites. He has a long term partner who doesn’t seem to like me much and he lives far away so they can be near to her family and grandchildren.
I invite them to spend every Xmas with us but the always decline which makes me sad, they see his partners children and grandchildren often.
He came to visit with his partner for the weekend (booked into a hotel) and my brother who I am close to came too. The first night I invited them to a local event we were attending and they declined and went to the pub. They did ask us to join them but it was quite late when the event finished so I didn’t make it as it was too late to take the kids to the pub. Apparently this upset my dad and his partner said I should have come later alone.
Second day Dd had an important sports event that she and I would have loved him to watch, Dad declined to come along. We then had an event arranged late afternoon. We arrived after them and I decided I needed a drink before socialising as I felt quite hurt we hadn’t seen my dad all weekend despite him staying in our town so went to the bar, we were then way laid as bumped into friends. It was about an hour before I made it over to my family, although I had rang to tell them I was chatting at the bar if they wanted to come over. Apparently they were furious at me and left to go to the pub. My dad didn’t even say hello to my dc. He then invited us to the pub, I really wasn’t keen to take the kids to a pub at 11pm but they obviously thought I was being obstructive and offered to sit outside for dc so I agreed, however when we arrived they had decided to get a takeaway and go home! They invited us round so I kept the kids up despite them being shattered, no food for us or dc and his partner went to bed!
Today we arranged to meet for lunch, I text to confirm (my DB replied and confirmed) and they didn’t turn up as they forgot. I spoke to my brother and apparently this whole weekend is all my fault for not going over to see them straight away at the event yesterday. I realise this was probably petty and wrong of me.
They’ve all gone home now I presume (5 hour drive) haven’t seen dc at all other than an hour late last night. I’ve rang my DB 3 times to ask him to come and see us before they leave but he’s ignored my calls. I did manage to talk to my dad when they didn’t turn up this morning and told him how hurt I am that he never sees his grandchildren and he did have the grace to say he’d come and visit another weekend.
I’m not sure this even makes sense and probably sounds a bit ‘he said, she said’ but I’m trying to fathom what on Earth happened this weekend as what could I have done differently now and in the future.
I think I haven’t handled things well and have been in tears all day. I’m so hurt they’ve all left to go home without seeing me or my kids, it’s months since we last saw them.
Is there an answer here or do I just give up?
Thanks if you have followed all that, any advice or similar experiences with families grateful received.

I get this. My not so D F has a habit of ignoring us when he is in a relationship and trying to be all over us when he is single. There is nothing you can do about his behaviour. There is no point in letting yourself be disappointed. Expect nothing from him.
My DC now have no interest in him as he has shown none in them. He is cross about this but I fairly forcefully pointed out that he was the author of his own misfortune last time he whinged.
Ironically enough the DC are very close to his EXW3 and she is like a DGM to them. I love her too and am very pleased she escaped my DF.

I sympathize as neither of my parents have ever much of an effort with me and sadly seem to be exactly the same even now DD has come along. She’s 4.5 months now and they've each met her once. Both are remarried to younger partners, and prioritise them over their kids. Frankly even my mum’s dog is more important to her than we are. Oh, apart from on Facebook, where they play the part of grandparents to great effect to show off to their friends. It hurts but I console myself with the fact that I’m totally off the hook if they need any care in later life. DH’s parents are better, so that’s at least some consolation, but I admit I’m still envious of those people whose parents take an active part in raising their grandkids and supporting their adult children.

Where to start! Fault on both sides but no give from your df.

Festering resentment. Meet your father alone and let it all out

My kids grandparents (exes side) do not care one bit about my kids but they care about their other grand children. It really annoys me. They have a total of 7 grandkids and 1 great-granddaughter and they are all bothered about 5 of them. It's their loss at the end of the day. They're the ones missing out.

My dad spends a huge amount of time with his step grandson and does pretty much bugger all with his other 9 grandchildren, 6 off which live within 5 mins of his house! His loss.......

Yep, MIL didn’t/doesn’t care one jot. We don’t speak now for his very reason thankfully. But unless we were the ones making the effort to go to her she wasn’t interested. So we stopped going and she never contacted us. When DH text her to ask if she was bothered about her grandchild she unleashed a tirade of abuse at ya and that was the end of it. Not spoken since.

Yes my in laws are very hands off in comparison to my parents. To be honest I just accept it. Kids just aren't their thing, fine. They send gifts at birthdays and xmas and that's about it. My sil finds it very upsetting though and is close to going nc.

Thankyou for the replies, I really appreciate it. Melliegrant- festering resentment is exactly what is going on and I hate what it is turning me into.
I’m more upset about my brother as we are very close, he’s ignored all my messages today. I’m so sad that they left to return to other end of the country without seeing us and particularly that I seem to be the bad guy now. It’s not the first time my dad has travelled back to the other end of the country without seeing us, last time was on his grandsons birthday where despite only being a mile away refused to pop in for a coffee as his girlfriend ‘was keen to get home’.

You have my sympathies, rubbish grandparents really get to me.

My FIL has seen my children twice in their lives (nearly 5 years). Last time we went to visit he had forgotten and wasn’t there. I’ve vowed never to go back again! I’m pregnant with dc3 and he doesn’t even know.

My MIL (they’re separated) used to be ok but recently has become rubbish too.

My parents are the best of them all and will babysit but won’t take them out or do anything with them.

I just keep telling myself it’s their loss, I won’t let my dc suffer for it. You can’t force people to be interested unfortunately. It’s just a shame the GP’s can’t see the damage they’re doing to their own children.

I am currently in a similar situation myself. My DM and step dad travel for 6 months of the year and even when they are in the country they aren’t present and don’t seem that bothered about nurturing relationships with their grandchildren. MIL is not on the scene due to issues with my DH.

I get so angry reading other threads where people say ‘your children, your responsibility’. Firstly, whatever happened to the meaning of family? I know in other cultures family is everything and grandparents are full committed to supporting parents and vice versa. Secondly, they decided to have children themselves, that does not just stop when that child is old enough to have kids of their own. They still have a responsibility to their children and they also have a responsibility to their grandchildren. And this includes cultivating a positive relationship consistently. I’m not saying relying on them for childcare, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask for them to spend quality time with their grandchildren like a day out or cooking them dinner every so often.
As for posting on Facebook about what
amazing grandparents they are, I couldn’t stand the fakeness of it all, it would make me even more resentful.
As other people have said, will there be an expectation to care for them in old age? Because surely by that time we will be enjoying our retirement and taking the same selfish view that they have when we needed support.