Marital problems since DS1 arrival

[Gizzymum]

A bit of background - I've a 14mth old DS1 and am 35wks pregnant with DS2. I've been married nearly 3yrs, together for 5yrs.

Since the arrival of DS1 communication between me and DH has been getting worse and worse and I'm after advice on how to change things around before we hit a slippery slope downhill (which I fear will happen when DS2 arrives and the sleep deprivation hits). Any advice on adjusting to parenthood would also be appreciated.

I'm finding that he simply never listens anymore. I can tell him something and then later he says I told him something different, or he "assumes" I meant something else. Equally he can ask me a question and then not listen to me answer (I can see him switch off, I'll ask if he's listening and he'll say "no, I got distracted").

To add insult to injury everything is always, according to him, my fault. I don't mean in an emotionally abusive way, more in him failing to take accountability for silly stuff he does (an example, he burned his hand moving some hot food with his bare hands - it was my "fault" as I spoke to try to stop him touching it, and he "paused as he thought I was going to tell him he was doing it wrong".) I do tell him to stop blaming me for stuff like that and refuse to accept the blame (personally, I don't see why "blame" even needs to be apportioned for something like that, why not just laugh it off 🤷🏻‍♀️).

I find I am getting more snappish, but I'm finding it's wearing me down and the exhaustion that comes from being pregnant whilst chasing a 1yr old around isn't helping with my patience. DH also has dyslexia and from doing a bit of research this could also impact his ability to concentrate and take in verbal information (especially with other distractions eg DS1) so I don't know if this is also making things worse.

He's a great dad (when he spends time with DS1, rather than doing DIY, the garden, his list of "man jobs"), and does more than his fair share of cooking/cleaning, but I do shoulder the majority of the mental burden for DS1 (eg what's he eating, what are we doing today, what hospital appt does he have and when etc).

I've also lost a bit of my identity I guess since becoming a Mum - I'm on back to back maternity leaves so haven't been at work since April 2017, and haven't been able to see much of my pre-baby friends as they want to go out for drinks etc. I've also not been able to do my previous hobby of running due to post-birth complications from DS1. I guess I'm also pretty stressed about the impending arrival of DS2 and I know I'm a moody arse when stressed.

Anyway, sorry for the epic back story, I didn't want to drip feed and really would appreciate any advice.

Can't give you much advice except to say I know how you feel! DS1 was 3 when DS2 arrived and it was so so hard and they have a much bigger age gap!

It's sounds as though you are both plodding on separately to keep on top of everything and whilst that's necessary when they're little I wonder if you get much time just you two (and more importantly I feel - just you?) for example could you leave DH with DS and have some time for you? I always feel like DP is great with kids but just goes and does his own thing and I work around him... I remember being very upset once when he showered when I was struggling with both early days and I hadn't managed to shower for 2 or 3 days - I realised I always asked him if it's okay for me to shower can he watch them etc. I think it's hard when you have no time for yourself and I get the friends thing.. unless you have friends with kids (who often have limited free time like you) no one bothers with you but I think that's life and we have to accept that! I probably have 1/3 of the friends I had before my DS1 but that's just one of those things. Maybe get to some baby classes to make some new mum friends who are on mat leave too.

Sorry I don't feel like I've given any advice but I understand. My DS2 is 9 months now and I'm just starting to feel like I'm finding myself again and me.and DP are us again...

Hope everything goes well for you and you feel better soon xx

We don't get much "us" or even "me" time. I wouldn't even know what to do on "me" time either though as I'd feel like i was doing something for the sake of doing something, rather than wanting to do it. Does that make sense?

I suggested to DH he take a couple of days off work, one to spend quality time with DS1 before DS2 arrives and the other for us to spend together (DS1 has just started nursery 3 days a week). He's booked tomorrow and Tues off. But for the "quality DS1" time he's agreed we will meet up with his parents over an hour away. For the "quality us" time on Tues, he's suggested lunch and the cinema (so 2.5hrs sitting in the dark not talking). I just don't have the energy to think of something for us to do. I have to do THAT every weekend as it is...

Take the me time for the sake of being alone, and not being in charge of a child - also as it’s imporyant that a certain someone else IS in charge of the child. So take it whenever you can, even if there’s not much you want to do. Eventually there will be.
Lunch and cinema isn’t a bad plan really, you can hold hands and choose a movie that isn’t a U, there’s not much chance to do that with children.
My dyslexic child certainly struggles to follow a series of instructions, they need to be broken down and sometimes written down to get past his poor working memory. But theres no trouble tuning in to a normal conversation.

Have you told him you're not overly keen on the lunch with in laws? I think the cinema would be nice at 35 weeks pregnant - air con!! and you are limited for activities really but could you suggest something else?

I totally get what you mean 're you time..but sometimes just having a quiet house with no chores to do just to chill/watch box sets/nap if that's your thing! Do you have much family support?

I've not told him I'm not keen on lunch with the IL's. I just couldn't be bothered having the argument about how it was meant to be his quality time with DS1, not his parents time. Plus then he'd expect me to suggest what he could do and I don't have the mental energy left to plan DH's time with DS1. The IL's do live over 2hrs away and his dad is 80yrs old with poor health so I can understand why DH wants them to see DS1.

I agree that due to my current whale-like status and the heatwave the cinema sounds nice, but I'd suggested the day together to try to reconnect before DS2 arrives and just don't think sitting in a dark room is going to help. I can't think of anything else to do instead - some friends suggested bowling but that's half an hour away. I just don't have any excitement or interest in doing anything at the moment either so I doubt I'd be excited about any suggestions (see - I said I was a grumpy arse when stressed).

As for family support, my parents are an hour away so not too far and would help out if needed, but my mum has had to babysit quite a few times recently so don't want to over burden them. She also has 4 other grandchildren who live just over an hour away with my DSis, and she often gets dumped on at the last minute by DSis.

I think you're allowed to feel a bit grumpy!! It does sound like maybe everything's getting you down and maybe you're feeling a bit anxious about baby arriving soon, rather than a major problem with your DH. It does sounds like hubby is trying and he'll do what you ask he probably just isn't.thinking about everything (let's face it it doesn't change so much for them!) have you tried talking to.him or a close friend? You just sound exhausted xx

I've tried talking to DH, which was when I suggested these days off. He also didn't listen during that conversation as I said I struggled to understand his priorities sometimes, so it would be helpful if he explained to me so I could understand (I even said perhaps I don't understand as my life revolves around DS1 so he's always my priority and I don't have other demands such as work etc to balance). Anyway, he took that to be me saying my priorities were always right and his were wrong. So I had to say that's not what I meant, I just need him to communicate with me!

And I've another mum friend who I've chatted to about this and she's having similar DH issues but she's started CBT therapy on her own to see if that will help her.

How are things now? How was the date? xx

The date was a disappointment. We went to the cinema (aka sat in the dark together for 2.5hrs) then went for lunch (where we barely spoke as I was struggling to stay awake.

He also said the night before he had some DIY to do on his day off (ie our date day).

I did have a mini-break down at him the night before date day, and tried again to explain how I was feeling but he doesn't get it. I try to use made up examples but then he clutches onto that specific example and doesn't get the wider point. He said he'd like it if I said thank you more for the things he does eg he wants thanking if he empties the dishwasher (whereas I think if you know it needs emptying, empty it, and just know you're part of a team and that the other person is doing something equally useful). I asked him if he'd expect thanks for looking after DS1 and he said he wouldn't. I tried to explain how this makes me feel like the things which he thinks he deserves special thanks for, are things which don't involve our DS1, and as my life is currently spent looking after DS1, it feels like looking after DS1 is not considered as important by him.

Nope, he doesn't get it.

Sorry to hear that OP...did he spend much time with DS1? Is he working long hours or some other reason why he may be too tired to look after DS1 much? Maybe you just need to ask him to take him out for a day so you can get some rest..

ps. thanking them for mundane crap drives me mad imagine the list of things you're owed thanks for!!

His day with DS1 was spent with the IL's so he spent time with him then, and on our date day he came with me to nursery drop off and pick up. He does spend time with DS1 (and doesn't work unusually long hours) but will always have a list of chores he wants to do and assumes I'll look after DS1.