My relationship with myself

[SkaPunkPrincess]

I think I subconsciously do things to punish myself. I will try to explain.

If something is going well I have to punish myself in other areas.

Career progression is going really well at work. I am so pleased. I cannot stop eating. I can't find the motivation to stop i feel i dont deserve to make myself stop. I am already morbidly obese so this is terrible for me.

Have you done any counselling to address the self - sabotage? Is there something in your past that makes you feel like you don't deserve to be happy? Like toxic family dynamics etc?

I identify with this. No answers but I also think I'm don't deserve happiness. Shit isn't it?

I guess self esteem issues will be at the core of this. Can you pinpoint what may have made you feel low about yourself?

Yes, iv done alot of work personality wise 're my career development.

Emotionally abusive parents. I don't know how to put that particular demon to bed as I don't really want to open up old wounds if moved on.

I wouldn't really put myself in the low esteem bracket, most would say I'm bubbly and extroverted.

however there is this voice that seems to say "your useless, your not worth it, it's all fake and you don't deserve it"

I suspect that's your parents' voices.

Mostly my dads voice i think with my mum's passive agreement. she never defended me.

How do I get past this? what kind of counselling or councillor does one look for? does it cost a lot of money?

Look at BACC for quality psychotherapists. A brief CBT course is unlikely to go deep enough or to the root of the problem.

I do this.

I have BED which is under control when things aren’t going well but is triggered when things are going well for me.

I’ve had counselling and now don’t binge since then but do over-eat instead. I now need to go private to see if I can progress further and tackle the compulsion to over-eat now.

Have you ever considered that it might not be linked to what you feel but that you may have a food addiction?

If that were the case 500decibels then it would be all the time, not just when triggered.

It could be something like celebratory meal or cake as I did so well that triggers it so the link is made to something else rather than the food?
I’m not saying it is, but that it might be something to consider.

I had hypno-psychotherapy. Initially I was quite sceptical but it ended up being the best thing I've ever done for myself. I had 12 sessions, it was worth every penny. I'd ended up married to a narcissist which was what I went for but it made me realise that I'd thought my relationship with him was normal due to my upbringing in a house with an self centred and emotionally manipulative mother. I finally feel like myself and free to be me.

If that were the case 500decibels then it would be all the time, not just when triggered.

No, not the case. Eg alcoholics can lay off the booze for sometimes extended periods. Addiction is a strange beast which can slink about looking innocent.

I have an ED and I attend a 12-step fellowship. So utterly joyous to be free of food addiction today - and also to be slim and healthy today.

Try OA, FA etc op - 12-step fellowships for food addiction. Ime it made no difference what was going on in my life, I found a way to the food. Any excuse. Like you, I despaired. Only food addicts can know the utter despair of not being able to stop or even control it in any lasting way. Ime the problems in my life were caused by my addiction, not the other way around.

Yes the most important relationship, with oneself.

Have you heard of Eckhart Tolle, his book The Power of Now, or the many videos on YouTube. I'd recommend them.

springydaff What do those abbreviations stand for?

I am intrigued by the idea of an addiction. Although I don't know if thats just giving me an excuse for being unable to control myself

Call it an excuse if you like, it doesnt matter. I don't think it's an excuse - food addicts have extraordinary self control.

OA

FA

This is a good quote on the FA site:

Food Was My Escape
“I joined FA because I was fat, unhappy, and couldn't stop eating. I never understood how I could be successful in so many areas of my life but so unable to control myself with food.”

I found this book helpful many years ago. It identified why I couldn't control certain foods.

I discovered 12-step quite a while later.

It’s interesting to get another perspective.

I don’t have foods I can’t control, it doesn’t be matter what it is. My triggers are different. It’s not about the food it’s about my trigger.

I'm kind of similar.

If I'm really happy about something I immediately worry at the same time I call it "too scared to be happy" syndrome. A few years ago I moved into a flat that I really liked, I felt happy about packing and moving in etc. I was so excited. But the whole time I felt guilty and was thinking "what if someone I love dies!" I know I'm a twat!

It's like someone is whispering to me "ah ah! Don't go getting too confident that you can be happy, otherwise I'll make something bad happen to remind you to get your arse back in your box".

I understand Green Eyed Blonde

I self sabotage when being happy, it’s nothing to do with food or food addiction.

For me it’s guilt and not feeling worthy of being happy and successful. I know my husband despairs as he thinks I deserve the moon on a stick if I wanted it!