Apologies in advance for the long post!
I’m a single parent to DD aged 3. Her father lives an hour away. We split when she was a few months old due to his lies, emotional and physical abuse. If I’m honest, the lies and emotional abuse started early on but the physical once DD was born. Police were involved in one incident but I refused to give a statement out of fear.
Ex’s family have been awful since I found out I was pregnant. Ex MIL was extremely aggressive during pregnancy; screaming and shouting all the time, throwing tantrums because we weren’t doing things her way, tried to hit me and had to be pulled off me when I was 6 months pregnant, constant abusive phone calls! Since then she constantly makes demands to see DD but makes almost zero effort to come visit (twice since she’s been born). She’s aggressive to my Ex and there are regular screaming matches between them (he tells me this still goes on). He also has two older sisters, very self righteous and opinionated.
DD was christened as a baby, and when discussing godparents, ex said he would like one of his sisters. I made it clear that I didn’t want siblings as godparents as I didn’t want anybody left out. Fast forward to the christening, when the Reverend asked the Godparents to stand up, his sister stood up!! I was so blindsided and aware that I didn’t want to cause a scene in church that I said nothing. Afterwards he came out with his usual “I lied because I didn’t want to upset anybody” it was also clear that the sister had decided herself that she was going to be godparent despite our initial decision.
Since then it’s gone from bad to worse. He used to have her regularly overnight and I soon discovered that his mother was caring for her (he lives with his mum) while he was visiting his new girlfriend 200+ Miles away. I was uneasy with it because of her past behaviours but pleased with him to be more present for his daughter.
The final straw came when he and his mum were evicted from their home and went to live in a halfway house with ex FIL (an ex homeless drug addict) in his one bedroom flat. I made it clear that this wasn’t an appropriate environment for DD and that she must not go there. Ex told me they were still living in house and werent evicted for another week so DD went to stay with him. I FaceTimed DD (as per our usual arrangement) and could see she was in a different home. He admitted they were in ex FIL’s and that he wouldn’t be bringing DD home. As you can imagine I was distraught. I didn’t even know address she was staying because I’d taken his word that they were still in his home! I explained that I would call the police etc but he didn’t care. Eventually ex MIL got in touch and she would bring DD home the next day which she did. It transpired months later that he had always intended to keep her for an extra few days because he went to Barcelona with his girlfriend and rather than being honest about making plans that conincided with his time with DD, he preferred to let me think he was keeping her, come back from Spain, bring her home and while I’d been through emotional turmoil, he was refreshed from his city break!!
After that I have refused to let him take DD overnight - his living arrangements are still terrible and I don’t trust him not to pull a stunt like that again.
Things have been the best they’ve been for a while now - there is still a lot of emotional and verbal abuse from him but I just put up with it to make sure DD has a relationship with her Dad - he’s been semi consistent in coming to see her and taking her out locally. I am now on medication for the anxiety I’m experiencing due to his abuse. He’s not a hands on parent and doesn’t know what to do with her, he seems emotionally detached from her and if I’m honest, with everybody. He expressed that he and ex MIL have secured a two bedroom flat (he’s aged 31 so let’s not start on why he’s not securing his own home independently) and will soon have DD overnight. I have huge reservations.
Now to the present day. In April he told me that his sister is getting married in August and wanted DD to be flower girl. I had my concerns internally but said yes. (This is the sister who stood up in church). He told me that although I wasn’t invited to the reception, his sister said I was invited to the ceremony to see DD performing her flower girl duties. I had mixed feelings due to seeing his family there (I have focussed on ex MIL and ex SIL but they are all just nightmares) but wanted to see my girl in action.
I didn’t know many details about the wedding and ex said that his sister would be in touch. She called me a few nights ago discussing the wedding arrangements. She is getting married at 4pm but wants DD at the hotel at 10am for a group breakfast. I explained that nearly 6 hours cooped up in a hotel would be a lot for a 3yo and suggested I bring her early afternoon. I was told no. She then explained that they would be moving to another location for the reception at 7pm and wouldn’t be eating till 8pm and that I could collect DD at 9pm. I told her this was late and that it may be best if I pick up DD at 7pm before they move to the next venue. I was again told no. I was then subjected to a telling off because I haven’t invited her to any of DD’s birthday parties. I explained that around every birthday I’ve ensured there was adequate time for DD to spend with her Dad’s family and also that none of my family really come to her parties. I was laughed at and told no again and that I should invite her in the capacity of Spiritual Guide!! She believes as DD’s godmother she should come. She then told me that she would be coming to her next birthday party. I said no and was told that I must set 3 hours aside on DD’s birthday for them to spend together. Again I said no, she can see DD with rest of family and again I was challenged and told that she wanted to visit as her Godmother, not Aunt. Cut an incredibly long story short, I told her that despite her standing up in church that day, I don’t class her as a godparent and I won’t be enforcing that relationship. She basically told me that she doesn’t care that I didn’t want her as Godparent because she knew best and as the only godparent of colour (DD is mixed race) she was most important as only she could teach DD about her culture. I argued that DD could learn that from her as an aunt and stood my ground. Eventually she stopped disputing but made it clear that she would be contradicting what I told my daughter about the whole situation. Additionally she seemed genuinely very shocked when I mentioned me attending the wedding as she hadn’t ever invited me or mentioned it to Ex. Another lie! Imagine if I had turned up on the day dressed for a wedding! How embarrassing that would have been for me!
I’m now at a point where I genuinely don’t know what to do. I don’t want to ostracise DD from her family but it’s affecting my health dealing with them. I’m getting regular panic attacks. I don’t trust that my wishes as DD’s mother will be respected around them and I’m very worried that DD will pick up on their behaviours. Sorry it’s so long to read I’m just desperate for some unbiased advice. Many thanks